Here’s one for you– is there anyone better equipped to deal with a disaster (natural or, let’s just say for example, financial) than a Madoff or someone related to a Madoff? Catherine Hooper, the girlfriend of Andy pictured above, who allegedly has tattoo of her boyfriend’s name branded to her ass and is therefore stuck with him and his family, says no. As you may recall, back in December we reported that Hooper and her main man had hilariously started a business called Black Umbrella, a company that “builds practical, efficient disaster plans for individuals, couples and families,” in the event of any kind of disaster. And apparently this thing is really happening! Are you scared there might be an unexpected incident or that someone you share blood with will admit to doing something really bad? Hooper knows how you feel.
“Disaster can be a megadisaster like something that affects all of us,” said Ms Hooper, 38, a former partner in the Fifth Avenue fly-fishing store Urban Angler. “But it can also be something that happens in your own world, whether it’s an unexpected death in the family or” — and here she chose a euphemism — “this kind of thing.”
And she’s here to help. Continue reading »
Hey remember Mark and Andy Madoff, the spawns of Bernie whose lives were shook to the core when their father and former boss admitted to not exactly playing by the “rules” when it came to investing? Many assumed they had to have been in on the crime, given that they were the number two and three employees at the firm (though our personal conclusion was that given the photographic evidence that M&A spent 90% of their time fishing and posing, and the the himbo-esque looks on their faces) and for a while there it seemed like they were probably going to go downtown themselves. On the contrary, however, they’ve managed to keep themselves out of prison. They are currently facing a $200 million lawsuit but that’ll be probably be thrown out given the flawless logic offered by their attorney for why the boys are innocent. Continue reading »
A prison pal of Bernie Madoff’s was recently interviewed re: the Ponz Master. At one point, the inmate casually mentions that Berns hid about $9 billion to three “personal friends” before he turned himself in, but the unnamed source who must be credible spends the majority of the time drilling down to what’s going on up top, in that big ole dome piece of Madoff’s. Apparently, there are some things that upset him. The fact that his sons, Andy and Mark “You’re not our real father” Madoff haven’t spoken to him in almost two years isn’t one of them. I mean, sure, he wishes they did but it doesn’t plague him. He figures they’ll get over being mad at daddy soon enough. What does upset him are two slightly more serious issues. Continue reading »
Ugh, this guy.
The first thing is please don’t forget to sign up for Mark’s daily newsletter. The second, which you’d think would be abundantly clear but apparently not: these guys are victims! Yeah, they were Bernie’s second and third in command at Ponzi Nation but victims! Victims “of their father’s terrible crimes.” Victims of his scam. Victims of the DNA he passed on their way. VIC-TIMS. Victims. Owing to their victim status, the boys have submitted a filing with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court, Southern District of New York, requesting that all complaints against them be dropped. Because it’s just not fair.
The gang.
A few months ago there was a tear-jerker of a story about unemployed Americans having difficulty finding new jobs. It highlighted two in particular, who’d been out of work for over a year, due to the shuttering of their company. Their names were Mark and Andy Madoff and they were having a real tough go of it lately. Nobody wanted to hire them out of fear they’d stink up the place with the smell of fish. And, you know, the taint of their former employer. It was depressing as shit, and Mark had taken to crying during interviews. Recently, Andy, along with his girlfriend Catherine Hooper, started a ‘disaster recovery firm,’ the goal of which is to help people get their affairs in order in the event of a crisis, be it natural or the kind that comes at the hands of a small dick, like losing everything to a Ponzi scheme (just a for instance!). Then there was Mark, who had all but given up asking people to keep him in mind for jobs on a trading desk or in trading technology. By this point even the fish were gently suggesting he pack it in– but the little Madoff that could would not be defeated. And finally, his persistence has been rewarded! Continue reading »
You know who it sucks to be right now, just a little bit? Me, because our servers are momentarily fucked 6 (thousand) ways ’til Sunday, 1 out of every 789 attempts at publishing is successful (like this one, if you’re reading it!), and most people can’t get on the site anyway. You know who else has also seen better days? Mark and Andy Madoff, who recently signed agreements with Irving Picard, the trustee overseeing the liquidation of Bernie “Known In M&A’s Houses As ‘You’re Not Our Real Dad!’” Madoff’s estate. The agreements require the spawn of Berns to, among other things, have their personal assets frozen, not rack up debt of more than $1,000, and submit monthly expense reports wherein the fish fetishists will be copping to spending 5 large apiece on top of the line fishing vests that promise to make your dick look huge (“in the event you get the opportunity to drop trou out there“) and you don’t even want to know how much on bespoke restraints that’ll fit most bass. Other people singing It Sucks To Be Me today include John Paulson and Citi (nothing happened just, you know, in gen). So I’m going to mosey on out of here circa right now. Things will be better on Monday, and if they’re not, for a nominal fee I’ll come to your offices and perform my posts live, sock puppets included. Actually, I might do that regardless.
Update: Surely it’s no coincidence that somehow I’m able to get in to spread the word that Lloyd Blankfein will be taking a mere $9 million bonus (no cash) this year, and likely donating all the shares to a fund set up for curing feline AIDS.
Last week we lamented the fact that it’s been difficult for former Madoff employees to find new jobs, in the wake of their boss admitting his business was a Ponzi scheme. Our heart bled for two in particular: Mark and Andy Madoff. They’ve really had a rough go of it. So far all they’ve encountered are No’s and Mark has cried during interviews. There were rumors that Andy was considering starting “a firm involved in disaster recovery” but we figured he’d sooner take up with the fish, never to be heard from again. Turns out, maybe not! Supposedly Andy and his girlfriend, Catherine Hooper, have started Black Umbrella, a company that “builds practical, efficient disaster plans for individuals, couples and families,” in the event of a disaster, be it natural or of the financial variety. Sign up today!
I’ve been wondering for some time now whether or not being employed by Madoff Securities when Bernie made his big reveal would be the professional equivalent of pulling a Ping, i.e. taking a piss in an underling’s mouth, i.e. would it make it difficult for you to find future work at a firm that doesn’t have the sort of outside the box thinking that allows for such things. Apparently, the answer is yes, particularly if you share DNA with the Ponz Master. Yes, my pets, it’s true– Mark and Andy Madoff, employees 2 and 3, sons 1 and 2, have been having difficulty finding work. Like they have a bad rap or something. It’s gotten so bad that they might just have to start their own firms. They’ve also started crying in front of other people, as is their wont.
Mark Madoff, who worked at Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC for more than 20 years, climbing up the ladder to director of proprietary trading, recently met with at least two Wall Street contacts to get their opinions on whether he could find another job in finance, people familiar with the discussions say. He talked about working on a trading desk or in trading technology, asking one person to keep him in mind if he hears of any openings.
“He’s untouchable in any firm that deals with the public,” says someone who talked to Mr. Madoff. He was near tears while describing his feelings about his father, the person added, asking why anyone would bring his son to work at a crooked investment firm. Another person approached by the 45-year-old Mr. Madoff was told by his lawyer not to respond.
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