• cliff-asnessnymagcom


    Nothing Chaps Cliff Asness’s Hide More Than The Fact That He Can’t Build A Batcave Under His House

    Even billionaires can’t always get what they so desperately want.

    / Nov 18, 2015 at 5:34 PM
  • cliff-asnessnymagcom


    Hedge Fund Manager Cliff Asness Thinks Global Warming Much Ado About Nothing

    Keeping his limited edition Captain America dolls in the original packaging? Big deal. Global warming? NBD.

    / Mar 11, 2015 at 2:33 PM
  • News

    Cliff Asness Eulogizes Children’s Book Author The Only Way He Knows How

    Finally this bastard who ruined my childhood is rotting in hell (kidding, probably a very […]

    / Dec 17, 2014 at 4:33 PM
  • News

    “Cliff Asness Or Teenage Twitter Rant?”

    If you’re killing time at the office, working on Turkey Day, or are looking for […]

    / Nov 25, 2014 at 5:38 PM
  • Hedge Funds

    Get Cliff Asness A Job On Madison Avenue

    The AQR chief sure knows how to sell his industry, and is now continuing his […]

    / Oct 29, 2014 at 11:44 AM
  • Hedge Funds

    Local Superhero Ready To Fix Europe

    Europe’s leaders, adopting a money begets money approach, are looking to conjure a few billion […]

    / Sep 15, 2014 at 6:35 PM
  • cliffasness


    Ray Dalio, Cliff Asness Did Okay For Themselves Last Month

    Surprise, surprise: Low-key investment funds that diversify their portfolios across asset classes to protect them […]

    / Apr 10, 2014 at 10:45 AM
  • cliffasness-260x146

    Hedge Funds

    Cliff Asness Has A Lot Of Problems With You People

    The AQR chief has made clear that there are many things he doesn’t like: Democrats. […]

    / Dec 3, 2013 at 4:16 PM
  • The other way to go here is obvs shirtless Brad Pitt


    Ringleader Of Insider-Trading “Fight Club” Didn’t Want Any Sarcastic Comments With His Inside Information

    I suppose in like 1985 there were people who worked on Wall Street and un-self-consciously […]

    / May 3, 2013 at 5:58 PM
  • cliffasnessdesk


    Area Billionaire Threatens “Legal And Illegal Tax Avoidance” To Protect Comic Book Funds From Drum Circling Hippie Freeloader Idiots

    “The only way to finance a big European-style state is to have it paid for by massive taxation of everyone, mostly the middle class. Right now, we are avoiding honest debate on this fact…The first truth is that the current tax rates cannot support the promises made to middle-class Americans. The most unaffordable items in fiscal projections are Social Security for everyone and government-sponsored health care for the middle class. You cannot preserve these even with Draconian slashing of military, infrastructure, welfare, education, and other expenditures. The second truth is that you cannot pay for the Life of Julia, or any vision of a cradle-to-grave welfare state, without massive and increasingly regressive middle-class taxes. The poor don’t have the money to pay for a European-style welfare state, and the rich, rich as they are, don’t have anywhere near enough. Not only that, it’s easy to tax middle-class assets and transactions — things like payrolls, sales, and real estate — but soaking the rich means taxing investments. Investments are complicated and can be restructured to minimize taxes. Also, investments are the lifeblood of economic growth. Raising significantly more taxes from the rich also requires higher marginal tax rates — and their rates are already quite high. High marginal rates distort the economy and yield less revenue than anticipated because they increase the rewards for legal and illegal tax avoidance…to achieve anything like the European-style entitlement state they advocate, we need to tax everyone a lot more, not just the 1 percent. Despite all the drum circles protesting the inequitable distribution of resources, the wealthy just don’t have enough. The middle class and even the poor must step up to carry more of the burden if this is our desired endgame. [The American, related]

    / Jan 7, 2013 at 1:26 PM
  • Buffett vs. Robo-Buffett. This is Figure 3, Panel B, of the paper, *ever-so-slightly* modified.


    Cliff Asness’s Staff Built Him A Robot Warren Buffett

    Do you want to invest like Warren Buffett? Sure you do. You know who will […]

    / Aug 20, 2012 at 6:02 PM
  • News

    Greenwich, Connecticut Nobody Threatening To Dethrone Area Hedge Fund Manager As Biggest Middle-Aged Superhero Fan In Town

    Exhibit A:

    Friday morning at AQR, August 10. Cliff Asness glanced pensively at a candy-colored array of Marvel superhero figurines lined up along his east-facing window. Spiderman. Captain America. The Hulk. Iron Man. Comic book heroes of his boyhood days on Long Island.The Quants, by Scott Patterson, page 100.

    On an August morning, Asness walks to his sun-dappled office windowsill and picks up a Captain America action figure. The hedge-fund mogul owns a panoply of action heroes, from the Hulk to the Silver Surfer, and the comic books that spawned them.Bloomberg Markets Magazine, October 7, 2010

    “Hedge funds charge far too much in general by claiming to be geniuses,” says Asness, lounging on a sofa in his corner office, surrounded by foot-high plastic models of comic book heroes.Fortune, December 19, 2011

    As a child, Clifford Scott Asness gave no sign of his future as a Wall Street tycoon. He was born in October 1966 in Queens, New York. When he was four, his family moved to the leafy suburban environs of Roslyn Heights on Long Island. In school Asness received good grades, but his interest in Wall Street didn’t extend beyond the dark towers of Gotham in the pages of Batman. Obsessed with little besides girls and comic books, Asness was a listless teenager, without direction and somewhat overweight. At times he showed signs of a violent temper that would erupt years later when he sat at the helm of his own hedge fund.The Quants, by Scott Patterson, page 12.

    “His super-villains are intellectual dishonesty and ignorance,” says Jonathan Beinner, a managing director at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. and a former classmate of Asness. “When someone offers an opinion that Cliff feels is incorrect or dishonest, whether it be related to investments, politics or pizza, he feels it is his duty to stand up, even if it’s not in his best interest.” Asness admits to a superhero complex. His favorite Marvel comic book character is Captain America, who gains strength with the help of a secret serum and whose shield can be used as an indestructible weapon. Asness has an image of the shield tattooed on his left arm.Bloomberg Markets Magazine, October 7, 2010

    Exhibit B:

    The above is a rendering of a Batcave that will soon be built in the home of an unnamed Greenwich resident. When it is completed in Novemeber, the spread will include “a Batcomputer, Batmobile, Batsuits, 180 degree film screen, sound effects, gargoyles and even a Bat-themed elevator.” The problem? This guy is not only infringing on Asness’s territory as resident super hero obsessive/aficionado/scholar-in-residence/neighbor who dresses up and role-plays his character of choice but is apparently too cowardly to show his face or reveal his name so that Cliff might confront him. The other problem? Captain America doesn’t have some kind of cool underground lair setup of his own. The only recourse? Someone spends the next couple weeks writing a series of fan fiction that describes his house, and then spends $20 million to have that built.

    Greenwich Resident Building $2 Million Batcave In Home [CTNews]
    Dark Knight superfan spends $2MILLION creating home cinema replica of Bruce Wayne’s cave [DM]

    / Aug 16, 2012 at 4:28 PM
  • News

    Cliff Asness Wants To Be Thanked For Paying Taxes, Is Pissed Cash For Clunkers Didn’t Involve Killing Nazis

    Something you may or may not know about Cliff Asness is that by day, he is a hedge fund manager but by night he is the second coming of his hero, Captain America. Like the Captain, the AQR founder believes his duty is to defend America, only instead of fighting Axis Powers, Asness’s enemies are liberal Commie Socialists hell-bent on destroying this country. Because his shield has been in the shop for repairs for the past couple years, Cliff has been forced to use other weapons to pummel his foes, namely writing amazingly witty1 emails to his friends and colleagues about how much Obama et al suck. Most recently, Captain Asness circulated “Some Useful Definitions to Understand Our Modern Progressive World,” a little glossary of unalphabetized terms he put together sure to cut his adversaries deeply. (The Captain also helpfully pointed out in a footnote that many of the definitions were “written sarcastically as a faux left-winger, [while] some [are] just conservative/libertarian interpretations of what the left really means,” in case that was lost on his audience.) They include:

    – The 1%
    Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or hitech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax rate, and lifestyle).

    Cash for Clunkers
    Definition: What we came up to replace World War II as stimulus. Many perfectly good cars destroyed, no Nazis defeated.

    Definition: A more extreme form of “entitlement” defined above. Note that modern usage throws out
    the long tradition of natural rights only of a negative nature, that is, the right not to have something
    done to you, for rights of a positive nature, that is, the right to certain goods and services, like health
    care, Apple products, and soy milk. Since, no matter how important these items are, these modern
    positive rights must still be produced and taken from others, essentially the word “rights” now often
    stands for a system of slavery and theft.

    Some Useful Definitions [PDF]

    1Definition: …
    2The fuck?

    / Jun 27, 2012 at 2:28 PM
  • Hedge Funds

    Chuck Schumer’s Gonna Have To Do A Lot Better Than Dinner If He Wants A Piece Of Cliff Asness

    Earlier today, Politico ran a story titled “Can Chuck Schumer win back Wall St. for Democrats?” Apparently the New York Senator recently “embarked on a fence-mending campaign with senior Wall Street executives, many of whom have grown furious with the Democratic party,” in a charm offensive that has included “holding private dinners [including one put on by Pershing Square manager Bill Ackman], organizing high-end fundraisers for Democratic candidates and quietly pressing for super PAC donations.” According to Politico, “the outreach appears to be working: Hedge fund and private-equity executives have held six different fundraisers for Democratic challengers and senators at Schumer’s request, sources say.” Some financial services employees, however, are not so easy. Take Cliff Asness for example. The AQR manager happened to read the piece and here’s what he had to say about it:

    From: Cliff Asness
    Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2012 01:08 PM
    To: AQR lieutenants, other top hedge fund managers
    Subject: Can Chuck Schumer win back Wall St. for Democrats?

    Good title question. Only if Wall Street is so f—ing stupid as to defy credulity, honor, and morality. So, yeah, probably.

    Best line: “Chuck Schumer is pro-business”. Yeah, ones that buy him off in explicit crony-capitalism, but he wants to regulate and tax to death ones that don’t. Don Corleone was also pro-business. You guys say this stuff with a straight face huh?


    p.s. Sorry about the multiple emails, merging lists (though that is probably not the thing that upsets people)

    While the above response should come as a shock to exactly no one, we don’t think Schumer should give up on Asness so easily. The guy just wants to be wooed. Start with some limited edition action figures, add some $700 bottles of wine, and go from there.  You whip out a Mego Elastic Batman, he’s listening. You show up with a a matching Captain America shield tattoo but instead of on your forearm it’s on your face? He’s nominating you for President. You’re welcome.

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 4:18 PM
  • "Kind of"

    Cliff Asness Will Consider Transcendental Meditation When It Involves Prizes For Leaving Your Competition Cowering A Corner Begging For Mercy

    Robert C. Jones is also a devoted practitioner of transcendental meditation. Now that he has […]

    / May 22, 2012 at 5:49 PM
  • Hedge Funds, News

    You Too Can Invest Like A Kindly Grandfather And/Or Comic-Book Quant Superhero

    There are those who think that Warren Buffett’s days of being an awesome value investor […]

    / Dec 19, 2011 at 6:41 PM
  • Hedge Funds

    Cliff Asness Could Use Some New Investment Ideas

    He’s got 100-large for whoever delivers AQR the right stuff.

    / Oct 3, 2011 at 4:53 PM
  • Hedge Funds, News

    Cliff Asness Would Be Cheap At Twice The Price

    Real superheroes deliver real alpha. And real alpha doesn’t come cheap:

    / Sep 14, 2011 at 11:30 AM
  • News

    Please, Ladies, Don’t Bother Cliff Asness When He’s Getting His Drink On

    So you’re Cliff Asness, and you’re in Washington for dinner with a couple of buddies, […]

    / Jul 11, 2011 at 11:29 AM
  • News

    Cliff Asness Will Tell You Something

    I will tell you the stimulus was wasteful and politicized, and the American people, not […]

    / Jun 14, 2011 at 5:28 PM
  • News

    Cliff Asness Has A Suggestion For President Obama

    Date: May 20, 2011 8:58 AM Subject: A Modest Proposal Back at President Obama

    / May 20, 2011 at 12:08 PM
  • News

    Cliff Asness Loved The Atlas Shrugged Movie And Knows You Will Too

    In an event brought to you by the Koch brothers.

    / Oct 21, 2010 at 5:23 PM
  • News

    Cliff Asness Has A Dream, Which May Involve Wearing A Cape

    What drives a man who’s made billions already to continue coming into the office every […]

    / Oct 7, 2010 at 9:55 AM
  • News

    See If You Can Guess The Tattoo That Appears On Cliff Asness’s Right Forearm

    These are your hints: 1) Asness is currently a Marvel comic book collector, in addition […]

    / Oct 6, 2010 at 5:19 PM
  • News

    Departures At AQR?

    From the mailbag:

    / Jun 28, 2010 at 10:30 AM
  • News

    Asness Thinks New Financial Reform Bill is Ass Backwards

    While Sen. Chris Dodd’s financial reform bill is one giant 1,300 page tome, it’s so […]

    / May 13, 2010 at 11:52 AM
  • News

    “Give Me Strength,” Asness Begged Green Lantern. “Show Me The Way,” He Implored Captain America. “Stop The Ass-Bleeding,” He Cried out To Clark Kent

    David Einhorn favors stuffed animals. George Soros goes with the Pez dispensers. Jeffery Gundlach, his […]

    / Feb 2, 2010 at 11:43 AM