balls

  • 08 Sep 2011 at 11:55 AM

Carol Bartz Thought The Ball-less Wonders At Yahoo Had Class

By Bess Levin

On Tuesday afternoon, Yahoo Chief Executive Officer Carol Bartz was notified that her services at the company were no longer necessary. The message was delivered over the phone and the fact that she wasn’t given the respect of a face to face meeting wasn’t the only thing that ticked Bartz off. “I was in New York to speak at Citigroup’s technology conference the next day and was told to call chairman Roy Bostock called Bartz. I called him at 6:06,” she told Fortune. “When he got on the line, he started reading a lawyer’s prepared statement to dismiss me. I said, ‘Roy, I think that’s a script. Why don’t you have the balls to tell me yourself? I thought you were classier.’” While it’s unclear why Bostock lacked the pair or the grace to go extempore, Bartz is pretty sure she knows why she was canned.

“These people fucked me over.” She adds, “The board was so spooked by being cast as the worst board in the country. Now they’re trying to show that they’re not the doofuses that they are.”

Well consider your plot foiled, boys! If anyone thought Bartz was going to go quietly, or go period, they thought wrong. Girlfriend’s not going anywhere, this much she promises you. Continue reading »

  • 29 Aug 2011 at 7:06 PM

What Wall Street Can Learn From Serena Williams

By Bess Levin

From time to time around these parts, we like to canvas the world outside Wall Street to see how they deal with certain issues, particularly those related to crisis management. Often times, there are helpful tips to be borrowed and applied to any pre or post Code Red office situations in which you might find yourselves. For instance, thinking about taking a few minutes to evaluate the attractiveness of your co-workers to the guy or girl who sits next to you? Consider not doing it over the PA system, into a bullhorn, or near a recording device. Love to upload home videos of yourself sucking on a partners’ toes to the internet but value your privacy and/or have a board to answer to that doesn’t want to read about your personal life in the press? Rather than telling the press “this is a personal matter,” don’t return their calls. And in the future, consider 1) investing in one of those machines they use to throw voices (like in Scream) and 2) not letting your face appear on camera or, alternatively, have a mask created in your sworn enemy’s likeness to wear while you are filmed using jello molds in a way they were definitely not intended. Do or say some stuff in public that makes you sound a little nuts, that 10 years ago no one would’ve cared about but in this killjoy day and age would get a lot of panties in a lot of bunches? Lay low for a while and later, if asked about it later by some pissant reporters, tell them you really can’t recall if you told someone “If I could, I’d take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.” Continue reading »

  • 08 Aug 2011 at 9:39 AM

Bill Gross Thrilled To See Standard And Poor’s Grow A Pair

By Bess Levin

As you may have heard, Standard and Poor’s knocked the US’s debt down to double-A plus from triple-A Friday evening. Several hours before it was made official, the ratings agency was notified their team had made some calculation errors but chose to say “fuck it, on with the downgrade.” This made a whole bunch of people very upset, including Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who commented S&P demonstrated “really terrible judgement, handled themselves poorly, showed a stunning lack of knowledge about basic US fiscal budget math, and…came to exactly the wrong conclusion” and Warren Buffett, who shared that he could not give less of a rat’s ass what S&P thinks, that he’s “not changing his mind about Treasurys based on the downgrade,” that “if anything, it may change my opinion on S&P,” and that the United States’s debt is like that of the first buxon milkmaid he laid his eyes on 70 years ago today- her tits may be down on the ground now but they’ll always be triple-A rated in his mind and that’s all that matters.

A slightly different reaction came from PIMCO CEO Bill Gross. He loved the downgrade and if we’re being really honest? It earned S&P some respect in his eyes, ’cause it showed the ratings agency has balls. Continue reading »

  • 14 Dec 2010 at 9:07 AM

Stephen Colbert Threatens To Give Out Goldman Sachs Partner’s Credit Card Number Unless He Comes On Show

By Bess Levin

While Stephen Colbert is all good with Wall Street bonuses, he is aware that 70% of American playa-hatas are not. He’d like someone making it rain this year to come on his show and make people understand why they money is deserved but so far no one has accepted his offer. Luckily, one of his writers found a lost credit card belonging to a Goldman Sachs partner last week. Specifically, the MasterCard of Buckley T. Ratchford, who was inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach in 2006. Continue reading »

  • 01 Oct 2010 at 1:23 PM

This Is David Tepper: With An Afro

By Bess Levin

David Tepper ‘Always Put Everything In His Mouth’ [Daily Intel]

  • 27 Sep 2010 at 9:55 AM

David Tepper Narrows Down His Ideas About What To Do With Billions Of Dollars

By Bess Levin

It might seem all fun and games but there is a downside to being a billionaire. Namely, the task of coming up with what to do with your shit-tons of money. It’s not that, at 53 years old, David Tepper hasn’t had plenty of time to think about how he might put his stacks of coin to use. In fact, according to his sister, as a little boy he predicted he’d be a millionaire “before turning 30.” So, we’re talking decades here. But back in a suburb of Pittsburgh, when the Appaloosa founder was looking at a railing on the front porch and asking his brother, “If I put my head in there, would it get suck,” hadn’t dreamed he’d have the amount of money he does today. And those extra zeros really kind of expand your options to be limitless, making the task all the more difficult. Along the way, ideas, of course, have presented themselves. He could, for instance:

* Pay for a whole bunch of kids to go to college. But Tepps isn’t too keen on that one. “I’m gonna have somebody put together a form letter for that,” he says. “It’ll say something like, I’m going to give you a great gift. What I got: Nothing.”

* Have a mold of his balls made (but a former employee already gave him just those, in all their “cartoonishly huge and grotesquely veiny” glory) or a pair of tits for everyone in the office (ditto on that base already being covered: “We had this client, they make breast implants,” says a former employee. “He loved to keep them on the desk, he’d love to throw them around.”)

* Get back at the girlfriend of five years, Cindy Perl, who dumped him, citing a question in her mind as to whether or not he’d be able to “support the lifestyle” she was hoping for, by, I don’t know, hiring one of those skywriting planes to leave the message “How do you like me now, bitch?” every morning over her house? But the poor girl has probably suffered enough, having married a dentist.

* Buy a private jet? No: “I have NetJets.”

* A piece of the Steelers? Already owns a minority stake.

* A hot piece of just barely legal ass? “I could get myself a 22-year-old!” he says, but then there is the matter of the wife of thirty years, Marlene.

Okay, well WHAT THEN? Think, god damn it, THINK. Continue reading »

  • 09 Jul 2010 at 4:36 PM

Here’s Why Sean Michael Carey Wants You To Punch Jamie Dimon In The Balls

By Bess Levin

Yesterday a fellow named Sean Michael Carey started a Facebook group called “Punch Jamie Dimon (CEO of JPMorgan Chase) in the Balls,” the stated purpose being exactly that. He didn’t say why he wanted someone to inflict harm on JD’s (glorious, possibly cup-protected) sack, only that after doing so, you should add “Sean Michael Carey sends his regards, fucker.” Today Daily Intel found out the source of SMCs beef toward James: after bouncing a few checks, Chase froze his account and said they were investigated him for check fraud. And then: Continue reading »