balls

On a typical day, most of you probably obtain your lunch in one of several ways: ordering it on Seamless, out at a working lunch, or ferreting around the office pantry for a melange of snacks. A good day might involve getting your 11th Chop’t salad for free. If creativity and need to feel alive struck, you’d possibly think about sneaking into the executive dining room and swipe a couple of dinner rolls. But would you ever purchase a business class ticket out of JFK (or whatever your local airport may be), gorge yourself on free delicacies in the lounge, and then reschedule your flight so you could do it all again the next day, and the day after that? You might not, but this genius did: Read more »


[via @cgasparino, earlier]

Back in 2009, over a dozen NHL players, then current and former, sued golf resort developer Ken Jowdy for taking their $25 million investment in a Mexico property that never materialized, and allegedly spending the money on “lavish parties that included various female porn stars, escorts, strippers [and] party girls,” thrown “to impress ex-baseball players Roger Clemens, Reggie Jackson, Pete Rose, and ESPN announcer Joe Morgan,” in addition to paying himself a salary of $800,000/year and putting his brother-in-law on payroll, for no discernible reason, at $650,000/year. Although the lawsuit was ultimately dropped, the government had begun to investigate the situation and started to suspect the players’ money manager, a guy named Phil Kenner (who, according the Daily News, “billed himself as a lifestyle coach“). Four years later, even has the lawsuits by former clients rack up and the FBI investigation is said to continue, Kenner maintains his innocence. To that end, he recently spoke with Fortune reporter Katie Benner in an attempt to clear his name. Do people have it all wrong about him? Are the allegations he defrauded investors patent bull shit? We have no idea but one thing not exactly helping Kenner’s cause re: being an upstanding and not at all shady individual? Telling this story… Read more »

Because he’s had some previous success putting bankers on deadlines for complying with his demands and because he has had it up to here with financial regulators and the companies they supervise, both of which have been dragging their heels since Dodd-Frank was passed, CLSA analyst Mike Mayo appeared on CNBC today to issue a message: The time for thumb twiddling is over. Move your asses, NOW, or he’ll move them for you. Read more »

Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America’s “Least Hated Banker,” for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn’t go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn’t actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another’s misfortune, especially that of a friend, he’s obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, “only one Wall Street CEO’s balls can be in a vise at a time,” and right now it’s JD’s turn. Read more »

On Tuesday afternoon, Yahoo Chief Executive Officer Carol Bartz was notified that her services at the company were no longer necessary. The message was delivered over the phone and the fact that she wasn’t given the respect of a face to face meeting wasn’t the only thing that ticked Bartz off. “I was in New York to speak at Citigroup’s technology conference the next day and was told to call chairman Roy Bostock called Bartz. I called him at 6:06,” she told Fortune. “When he got on the line, he started reading a lawyer’s prepared statement to dismiss me. I said, ‘Roy, I think that’s a script. Why don’t you have the balls to tell me yourself? I thought you were classier.’” While it’s unclear why Bostock lacked the pair or the grace to go extempore, Bartz is pretty sure she knows why she was canned.

“These people fucked me over.” She adds, “The board was so spooked by being cast as the worst board in the country. Now they’re trying to show that they’re not the doofuses that they are.”

Well consider your plot foiled, boys! If anyone thought Bartz was going to go quietly, or go period, they thought wrong. Girlfriend’s not going anywhere, this much she promises you. Read more »

  • 29 Aug 2011 at 7:06 PM

What Wall Street Can Learn From Serena Williams

From time to time around these parts, we like to canvas the world outside Wall Street to see how they deal with certain issues, particularly those related to crisis management. Often times, there are helpful tips to be borrowed and applied to any pre or post Code Red office situations in which you might find yourselves. For instance, thinking about taking a few minutes to evaluate the attractiveness of your co-workers to the guy or girl who sits next to you? Consider not doing it over the PA system, into a bullhorn, or near a recording device. Love to upload home videos of yourself sucking on a partners’ toes to the internet but value your privacy and/or have a board to answer to that doesn’t want to read about your personal life in the press? Rather than telling the press “this is a personal matter,” don’t return their calls. And in the future, consider 1) investing in one of those machines they use to throw voices (like in Scream) and 2) not letting your face appear on camera or, alternatively, have a mask created in your sworn enemy’s likeness to wear while you are filmed using jello molds in a way they were definitely not intended. Do or say some stuff in public that makes you sound a little nuts, that 10 years ago no one would’ve cared about but in this killjoy day and age would get a lot of panties in a lot of bunches? Lay low for a while and later, if asked about it later by some pissant reporters, tell them you really can’t recall if you told someone “If I could, I’d take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.” Read more »