On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being standard, 10 being elephantiasis, how big do you think the balls are on the guy who calls up a hedge fund manager 23 seconds after his meeting with fellow board members concludes to leak inside information about that company and then, after being convicted of securities fraud and conspiracy, tells the company, which paid his legal fees, he doesn’t owe them a dime? And that maybe if they put everything into an excel spreadsheet, he’ll think about tossing them a couple dollars, but probably not? Read more »
Because he’s had some previous success putting bankers on deadlines for complying with his demands and because he has had it up to here with financial regulators and the companies they supervise, both of which have been dragging their heels since Dodd-Frank was passed, CLSA analyst Mike Mayo appeared on CNBC today to issue a message: The time for thumb twiddling is over. Move your asses, NOW, or he’ll move them for you. Read more »
Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America’s “Least Hated Banker,” for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn’t go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn’t actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another’s misfortune, especially that of a friend, he’s obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, “only one Wall Street CEO’s balls can be in a vise at a time,” and right now it’s JD’s turn. Read more »
From time to time around these parts, we like to canvas the world outside Wall Street to see how they deal with certain issues, particularly those related to crisis management. Often times, there are helpful tips to be borrowed and applied to any pre or post Code Red office situations in which you might find yourselves. For instance, thinking about taking a few minutes to evaluate the attractiveness of your co-workers to the guy or girl who sits next to you? Consider not doing it over the PA system, into a bullhorn, or near a recording device. Love to upload home videos of yourself sucking on a partners’ toes to the internet but value your privacy and/or have a board to answer to that doesn’t want to read about your personal life in the press? Rather than telling the press “this is a personal matter,” don’t return their calls. And in the future, consider 1) investing in one of those machines they use to throw voices (like in Scream) and 2) not letting your face appear on camera or, alternatively, have a mask created in your sworn enemy’s likeness to wear while you are filmed using jello molds in a way they were definitely not intended. Do or say some stuff in public that makes you sound a little nuts, that 10 years ago no one would’ve cared about but in this killjoy day and age would get a lot of panties in a lot of bunches? Lay low for a while and later, if asked about it later by some pissant reporters, tell them you really can’t recall if you told someone “If I could, I’d take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.” Read more »
As you may have heard, Standard and Poor’s knocked the US’s debt down to double-A plus from triple-A Friday evening. Several hours before it was made official, the ratings agency was notified their team had made some calculation errors but chose to say “fuck it, on with the downgrade.” This made a whole bunch of people very upset, including Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, who commented S&P demonstrated “really terrible judgement, handled themselves poorly, showed a stunning lack of knowledge about basic US fiscal budget math, and…came to exactly the wrong conclusion” and Warren Buffett, who shared that he could not give less of a rat’s ass what S&P thinks, that he’s “not changing his mind about Treasurys based on the downgrade,” that “if anything, it may change my opinion on S&P,” and that the United States’s debt is like that of the first buxon milkmaid he laid his eyes on 70 years ago today- her tits may be down on the ground now but they’ll always be triple-A rated in his mind and that’s all that matters.
A slightly different reaction came from PIMCO CEO Bill Gross. He loved the downgrade and if we’re being really honest? It earned S&P some respect in his eyes, ’cause it showed the ratings agency has balls. Read more »
Stephen Colbert Threatens To Give Out Goldman Sachs Partner’s Credit Card Number Unless He Comes On ShowBy Bess Levin
While Stephen Colbert is all good with Wall Street bonuses, he is aware that 70% of American playa-hatas are not. He’d like someone making it rain this year to come on his show and make people understand why they money is deserved but so far no one has accepted his offer. Luckily, one of his writers found a lost credit card belonging to a Goldman Sachs partner last week. Specifically, the MasterCard of Buckley T. Ratchford, who was inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach in 2006. Read more »
David Tepper ‘Always Put Everything In His Mouth’ [Daily Intel]
It might seem all fun and games but there is a downside to being a billionaire. Namely, the task of coming up with what to do with your shit-tons of money. It’s not that, at 53 years old, David Tepper hasn’t had plenty of time to think about how he might put his stacks of coin to use. In fact, according to his sister, as a little boy he predicted he’d be a millionaire “before turning 30.” So, we’re talking decades here. But back in a suburb of Pittsburgh, when the Appaloosa founder was looking at a railing on the front porch and asking his brother, “If I put my head in there, would it get suck,” hadn’t dreamed he’d have the amount of money he does today. And those extra zeros really kind of expand your options to be limitless, making the task all the more difficult. Along the way, ideas, of course, have presented themselves. He could, for instance:
* Pay for a whole bunch of kids to go to college. But Tepps isn’t too keen on that one. “I’m gonna have somebody put together a form letter for that,” he says. “It’ll say something like, I’m going to give you a great gift. What I got: Nothing.”
* Have a mold of his balls made (but a former employee already gave him just those, in all their “cartoonishly huge and grotesquely veiny” glory) or a pair of tits for everyone in the office (ditto on that base already being covered: “We had this client, they make breast implants,” says a former employee. “He loved to keep them on the desk, he’d love to throw them around.”)
* Get back at the girlfriend of five years, Cindy Perl, who dumped him, citing a question in her mind as to whether or not he’d be able to “support the lifestyle” she was hoping for, by, I don’t know, hiring one of those skywriting planes to leave the message “How do you like me now, bitch?” every morning over her house? But the poor girl has probably suffered enough, having married a dentist.
* Buy a private jet? No: “I have NetJets.”
* A piece of the Steelers? Already owns a minority stake.
* A hot piece of just barely legal ass? “I could get myself a 22-year-old!” he says, but then there is the matter of the wife of thirty years, Marlene.
Okay, well WHAT THEN? Think, god damn it, THINK. Read more »
Yesterday a fellow named Sean Michael Carey started a Facebook group called “Punch Jamie Dimon (CEO of JPMorgan Chase) in the Balls,” the stated purpose being exactly that. He didn’t say why he wanted someone to inflict harm on JD’s (glorious, possibly cup-protected) sack, only that after doing so, you should add “Sean Michael Carey sends his regards, fucker.” Today Daily Intel found out the source of SMCs beef toward James: after bouncing a few checks, Chase froze his account and said they were investigated him for check fraud. And then: Read more »
Generally, when the topic of Jamie Dimon comes up, vis-a-vis his nuts, and what people would like to do to them, the answers tend to veer toward “build a shrine to them,” “nuzzle them,” “gaze lovingly at them,” “have them rest on my chin,” “put them in my mouth” and “create a mold of them and rub for good luck.” Inflicting harm is almost never suggested, unless by a certain analyst who shows love via BDSM. Bucking that trend is a fellow named Sean Michael Carey. SMC wants Jamie hit where it hurts, on account of the fact that JD apparently owes him $142. “If you see him today punch him in the balls and say ‘Sean Michael Carey sends his regards, fucker’,” Carey wrote on the wall of the Facebook group he formed yesterday for the sole purpose of getting the message out. Carey adds that if you’re going to do this for him, please be advised: Read more »