Bear Stearns

Ever find yourself at a bar like Turtle Bay in midtown, buying brightly colored shots that essentially have no alcohol in them and that most people past (the first semester of) their freshman year in college wouldn’t be caught dead drinking, and stop to ask your buddies a serious question which is, “You think our waitress wants a piece of this? She’s been throwing me vibes alllll night.”? You have Bryan Auld and Dominic D’Aleo to thank. The former JPM and Bear analysts co-founded Auld D’Leo in 2007, which “outsources the services of shot girls to bars in Manhattan” and that shot girl really does like you! Well, she’s actually taking pity on you/wants your money, but same diff/no diff. “For a lot of guys this could be the only time all night a girl comes up and talks to them,” said Giovanna Coluccio, one of 25 shot girls. In exchange for speaking with you, the ladies take home $300-$600 a night in tips (in addition to 25 cents per drink, which cost 15 cents to make and sell for $3 or $4). According to the co-founders, profit has increased 16% since 2007 and the ladies take business very seriously, following a list of “best practices” given to them on their first day of work.

“Personality is key. Physical looks alone will only get someone so far. Be as friendly, personable, upbeat as possible. Customers will feed off your energy.” These are the first rules in a list of best practices, or the shot-girl bible each girl memorizes before she picks up her tray. The list of 10 best practices of the trade was created by Mr. Auld. The entire stable of ladies meets weekly to discuss and tweak the curriculum of selling practices.Their product is recession proof. It’s all about micro-sales, selling something extremely cheap in mass volume. This is best practice number six: “Do not spend too much time with a patron or group of patrons. The foundation of our strategy relies on high-volume sale propositions. We must walk the fine line of being quantity salesman, while giving respect to those who purchase our items.” Among the other rules in the shot-girl bible: Never give up and always be the friendliest girl in the room. You’re not selling cheap liquor, you’re selling flirtation.

Let’s take a look at the practices in action. Read more »

  • 18 Aug 2010 at 12:06 PM

Nothing Can Get Ralph Cioffi Down

Last November, Matthew Tannin and Ralph Cioffi’s days were made when, in a in a flash of prosecutorial incompetence, the dream team who ran the two ridiculously named Bear Stearns funds– High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Fund and High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Enhanced Leverage Fund– were acquitted on charges of conspiracy, securities and wire fraud, and dodged 20 years each in the big house. There was no problem whatsoever with the fact that they’d painted a rosy picture to their investors as the bottom fell out of the credit market and they moved their own money out of the time bomb which ultimately cost clients $1.6 billion and, in fact, the jury was so impressed with how the team conducted their business that many indicated 12 ready and willing investors await. Before he was proven innocent, however, Cioffi had to do a little unloading of assets, the most valuable ones being a house in Southampton, one in New Jersey (he and his wife are now in a rental) and his prized Ferraris. Now he tools around in his wife’s Honda and if you thought that’d be a source of depression, you thought wrong. Cioffi says it’s a great little car. Read more »

Why wouldn’t the magician, philosopher, former Chairman of Bear Stearns and former friend o’ Jimmy not want to see his old pal, who he hasn’t spoken to since Bear was sold to JPMorgan (where Greenberg took a gig, while JC chose to spend his time perfecting the perfect panini to eat whilst baked)? According to a new interview with AG, it involves a desire to avoid stepping in shit. Also, Cayne impugned on the dignity of magicians.

IDD: If you ran into [Cayne], what would you say to him?
Greenberg: I would not like to step in horses—. So why would I stand around him? He’s a lying f—. Some of those lies in “House of Cards.” Lies about my wife — how could he bring my wife in that? How could he do that? He’s just a miserable, unhappy person…He said in the book, I understand, that when it came time for bonuses, I called the key men in and threw their bonuses on the floor and made them get on the floor and pick up their bonuses. Does that sound like me, really? Is that how you build a firm? A guy doing magic tricks, would he do that? Read more »

  • 01 Jun 2010 at 12:15 PM

Ace Greenberg Has Some Advice He’d Like To Share

It comes via his new book, The Rise And Fall Of Bear Stearns, and whether you’re a young whippersnapper who doesn’t know shit or an octogenarian who’s lost his way, you’d be wise to to listen to the guy.

It was sixty-one years ago that I left Oklahoma City.  But it seems like yesterday that my father called me aside at the train station and said, “I’ll give you three pieces of advice: never make fun of a millionaire, never hit a cripple, and never have sex with an idiot.”  The best of my knowledge I’ve remembered all three.

Read more »

  • 13 May 2010 at 3:02 PM

Waiting For Jamie Dimon To Do The Right Thing

When I think of JPMorgan CEO James Dimon, a few things come to mind. His (devastatingly good) looks. His charm. His jokes. His (alleged) illegal tire dumping. I also think of a guy who takes pride in his roots, which the Dimon family can trace back to a little European country going through a rough patch at the moment. And so I must ask–where the hell is the love? I’m not the only one wondering these things. I was out with some people who are paid to think about such matters last night and they were aghast at the notion hat JD has yet to use JPMorgan to bless Greece with his Croesus touch. People sincerely want to know why he hasn’t offered to buy the place for 1/100th of what it’s worth.  For the love of Jimmy Cayne’s roach clip, he did it for Bear’s trailer park of hemp and now, when it’s about family, JD is nowhere to be found? He needs to do something, show some freaking support for C’s sake, and if it’s not the suggestion I just made (which is should be), these are the options he must choose from: Read more »

12:10 Sure, it would’ve been worse to do it on 4/20 but Cinco de Mayo? Still pretty mean.

12:12 This thing is set to get underway in a few minutes. While we wait, I have a ton of items on the “wish-list” but beyond the obvious, I really, really want him to act like a stoned 17 year old who just got busted. “I know my rights, man.” “I’ve read the constitution.”

12:20 LET’S DO THIS. Reading of the prepared statements. Incredibly, CNBC thinks interviewing the CEO of Nike is more important than Big Jim, so you can follow along here.

12:30: Alan Schwartz maintains that Bear was awash– nay, drowning– in liquidity days before it went down for the dirt nap.

12:32: Jim concedes, “in retrospect, in hindsight, leverage was a bit too high.”

12:41: Angelides: Could you have done anything to prevent that weekend in March?

Cayne: Nothing. There was nothing that could have been done. We were taken down by hedge funds. Bear Stearns [and these words seriously just exited JC’s mouth] “was a big fat goose walking down the lane that’s about to be eaten up by competitors.”

Angelides: You were in Detroit that weekend, right? At a bridge tournament?

Cayne: That’s correct. Read more »

Paul Friedman, a former senior managing director at Bear Stearns, once famously said “we did this to ourselves. . . . It’s our fault for allowing it to get this far, and for not taking any steps to do anything about it.” He told William D. Cohan there was “mismanagement at the top” of the firm.

But now, Freidman is taking back his words. “I was interviewed at a time when I was looking for someone to blame,” he told the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission. “I’m sure you’ve read things where I blamed people I’ve never even met. It has bothered me for two years” he said. “I am human.” Read more »

Except when I was hot-boxing it. You know how that goes, Mr. Chairman. You really need the area completely sealed off. I find using a towel helps. Anywhoooo….so, other than those times– always open! For example, one time a guy came in and wanted to know why my office smelled like pot, which I explained to him had nothing to do with me getting high at work, but rather the fact that I’d just gotten a new leather couch, and as everyone knows, new leather couches often reek of weed. Read more »