A few months ago there was a tear-jerker of a story about unemployed Americans having difficulty finding new jobs. It highlighted two in particular, who’d been out of work for over a year, due to the shuttering of their company. Their names were Mark and Andy Madoff and they were having a real tough go of it lately. Nobody wanted to hire them out of fear they’d stink up the place with the smell of fish. And, you know, the taint of their former employer. It was depressing as shit, and Mark had taken to crying during interviews. Recently, Andy, along with his girlfriend Catherine Hooper, started a ‘disaster recovery firm,’ the goal of which is to help people get their affairs in order in the event of a crisis, be it natural or the kind that comes at the hands of a small dick, like losing everything to a Ponzi scheme (just a for instance!). Then there was Mark, who had all but given up asking people to keep him in mind for jobs on a trading desk or in trading technology. By this point even the fish were gently suggesting he pack it in– but the little Madoff that could would not be defeated. And finally, his persistence has been rewarded! Read more »
As you might have figured out, the SEC can’t do anything right besides ranking the best top 10 porn sites, and relies on “crazy-brave” people to go after gangsters and do all the legwork for them. Today, though, the agency really showed some initiative by charging Madoff’s director of operations, Daniel Bonventre, with some wrongdoing, more than a year after the Ponzi saga started.
Not so much because Bernie was a crook ruining the lives of thousands of people, Kevin Bacon included, but because Markopolos was just so damn fed up with the idiots running the Securities and Exchange Commission. So it was kind of perfect, see, because a) Berns really did need to go down for the dirt nap and b) should there be a trial, he had the perfect out. You can blame the SEC for practically anything, you know.
[In his new book] Markopolos wields a bludgeon when it comes to the Securities and Exchange Commission, which effectively ignored his several complaints about Madoff, even after he provided the agency with detailed files of his findings. He goes into detail to describe his frustrating encounters with SEC employees, who usually didn’t understand what he was talking about. And he even places ultimate blame with the agency if anything dangerous happened to him or Madoff:
In one of the book’s most startling passages, Markopolos reveals that if he felt threatened, he was prepared to kill Madoff himself:
It’s not that Stephanie Madoff, wife of Mark, sister-in-law of Andy, D-in-L of Bernie and Ruth isn’t proud of the name or family she married into. Far from it. It’s just that she’s been thinking about it and it just doesn’t “mesh” so well with the image she’s going for. Stalin would be better. Or, hey, how about Hitler? Manson? Wouldn’t have to changed the monogrammed towels. That’s always something to consider. Think about it.
Alexandra Penney, the Madoff victim (“I prefer the word ‘casualty”) who started blogging about her travails for the Daily Beast last year just turned her gig into a book deal. And now you can buy it! “The Bag Lady Papers” is a book she wrote out of fears of becoming a bag lady, “trudging the streets, cold and abandoned, with a shopping cart filled with tattered bags full of god knows what,” after getting screwed by Bernie. Although she did lose money, the chance of her becoming a hobo was pretty slim, given that Alex has residences in Manhattan, the Hamptons and Florida. But hey, lemons-lemonade! This is not her first book, Alex (who “doesn’t enjoy writing”) also published “How to Make Love to a Man.” We won’t speculate about what fears brought her to write that one.
Totally forgot about Madoff, what with the AIG hearings, Ben B.’s confirmation and Davos face-offs. But there were news from the Madoff household yesterday, with Peter, Bernie’s brother and the firm’s former compliance officer, being the subject of a criminal investigation related to the foundation of Senator Frank Lautenberg.
We’re shocked to learn that Peter’s attorney filed a letter to the judge saying that the lawsuit is baseless. But the plaintiffs’ attorney won’t have it: “The defendant was either knowingly indifferent to the Ponzi scheme, or actually aware of it.”
Easy, clear, to the point. Why didn’t anyone talk to Geithner that way yesterday?
With regard to…prison rape? It appears to be a new term recently coined by Tracey Ullman, in the clip above, wherein the Bubba to Bernie Madoff’s bitch rolls over and tells the Ponz Master, “Give me a Bloomberg Minute before you brush my teeth.” Obviously this thing has the potential to be huge so before it gets inserted into the vernacular we need to nail down what exactly Ping Jiang (just as a for instance) will be instructing his new special lady friend to do when he orders one of these. We can’t have some people thinking it’s just a catch-all for ‘open and willing ass’ (as indicated in the video) and others assuming HJ. So, I ask you to stop what you’re doing and let tackling this issue take precedence. It’s important.
(Sidebar: The reason I stumbled upon this clip was not because Bernie is blamed for 9/11 and swine flu but because Ullman is supposed to do a Barney Frank impression at some point this season which could be phenomenal.)
Bernie Madoff was treated for “facial fractures, broken ribs and a collapsed lung” earlier this week that prison officials will not confirm was the result of a brawl in the yard but that sources say were “consistent with an assault.” This comes as a shock as we were under the impression Berns could hold his own in a fight, and that his boys (the “homosexual posse“) had his back. Anyway, we need a few more answers namely:
* Who did this to him?
* What sparked the argument?
* Who threw the first punch?
* Were the phrases “I’ll eat your asshole,” “I’ll fuck you ’til you love me,” “I’ll fuck your ass in front of everybody,” or “You wouldn’t last two minutes in my world, white boy” uttered?
Berns “F*ck My Victims” Madoff has been moved to a medical facility at the Butner prison he’s been shacking up in since his sentencing. Apparently the Ponz Master has been there for a while, but this is the first anyone’s hearing of the transfer. It’s also unclear as why The Don was relocated, and what ailment he’s suffering from. Surely though, with our collective resources, intimate knowledge of the Master, and time on our hands, we can figure it out. A few ideas include:
* An erection lasting more 4 hours
* Non life-threatening cancer
* Faked sick to get moved closer to a nurse he’s had his eye on
* Substance abuse problem
* YOU TELL US
UPDATE: Dizziness and high blood pressure. Or so they say.
According to ex-con K.C. White, the guy who sketched Bernie’s portrait on the inside. White says the Ponz Master was kind of a prick during the process, trying to tell him how to do his job, like Berns is some sort of an artist himself but they were both prettay prettay prettay pleased with the result, and are hoping it’ll fetch as much as a Charles Manson.