In chronicling the ‘unholy alliance among Big Business, Big Banking, and Big Government,’ which has brought this country to its knees, a sober voice is required to uncover and distill the backdoor deals, the smoke and mirrors, and the ultimate tragedy found within. That voice belongs to Charlie Gasparino. Which is why it is with great pleasure that we inform you that, due to the runaway success of When Mooks Fail, the Oracle of Rego Park has scored his latest book deal (with an advance that is said to be ‘significant,’ i.e. it’ll cover i.e. it will more than cover several week’s worth of martinis at Tropix, the author’s favorite little neighborhood joint, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking). Gasparino’s upcoming contribution to literature and understanding was sold under the name Bought And Paid For, but we have it on good authority that’s just a working title. That’s where you come in. Chaz has requested we help come up with something better, that truly captures the sentiment of the tome. Early proposals:
Hank Paulson’s memoir, The Day I Threatened To Break Ken Lewis’s Legs, is out February 1. Presumably there’ll be many pages devoted to the topic closest to the the former Treasury Secretary’s heart– birds– but today we get a sneak peak at the role of another one of HP’s homeboys– God. As most of you probably know, Hank is a Christian Scientist, and it was the big man in the sky, the one with the genius idea not to treat illness with science, who got Paulson through the darkest days of the crisis. Naturally, it was god who came up with the idea to award AIG’s counterparties 100 cents on the dollar, since it would help out his other client, Goldman Sachs. But getting serious for two, it was G-D who, on of of the most harrowing nights of 2008, busted into Paulson’s home, a glorified crack-den, and pried the smack HP was contemplating shooting from his fingers. “No, Hank! You don’t need this!” he bellowed, before forcing his lamb to flush the poison down the toilet.
Mr. Paulson, a Christian Scientist, said his faith helped him through the financial crisis. During the weekend of Lehman’s collapse, he called his wife, Wendy, and told her, “I am really scared.” She said he shouldn’t be afraid, that his “job is to reflect God, Infinite Mind, and you can rely on Him.”
In another scene, an exhausted, stressed-out Mr. Paulson wrestled with taking a sleeping pill, a move that would have violated his religious beliefs. He instead flushed it down the toilet, deciding “to rely on prayer, placing my trust in a higher power.”
Okay, so now that we’ve given appropriate and sincere thanks, can we talk about something that’s been irking HP? Something that stuck in his craw so bad he had to unload in the first few pages of the book? Something that, in the original draft, had an uncensored Paulson throwing stuff out there like “Dumb twat” and “Who is this bimbo?” and “Jesus, Ben, I told you no hookers with the bailout money.”
If you’re coming to New Canaan, CT on Sunday to hear Charlie Gasparino discuss The Sellout you might need to bring your boxing gloves.
The other day on Chicago-based radio show StocksandJocks, co-hosted by CNBC contributor Dr. J Najarian, a listener asked Gas-Bag if he was ready to handle a confrontational room of ex-Bear and Lehman traders who might want to throw down fisticuffs. Considering many of these guys are still unemployed, stuck with McMansion mortgages, and with ample time on their hands – we thought that was a valid concern. (Sam Molinaro, former Bear Stearns CFO, is a New Canaan resident.)
The show’s other host Tom ‘the Chief’ Haugh asked Chaz, “Are you ready for a scene or a verbal confrontation? How do you think Cannanists will receive you?”
Gasparino responded, “Well you know, they can do whatever they want. What, you don’t think I’ve never had a personal confrontation from peeps on Wall Street? For some reason personal confrontations don’t scare me that much…you know.. I know how to handle myself.”
“I’m not a punching bag I don’t take their [shit]. I remind them it was their company’s management that screwed up and I just reported it. I didn’t engage in your risk taking practices. If you think I have anything to do with your implosion then you’re nuts,” Gasparino. said.
As you may have heard, the numbers have been crunched and to some people’s surprise, Andrew Sorkin’s book, Too Big To Fail, bests Charlie Gasparino’s When Mooks Fail for the number of times the word ‘fuck’ is mentioned, overall and per page. Sorkin’s got 20 (.03/page) and CG has 10 (.02/page). To some, this was shocking, given what they think they know of Chaz, though not to those of us who know that a) Gaspo runs a “classy operation” and b) that the auteur was nervous the Pulitzer committee would be skittish about awarding a prize to someone with a filthy mouth.
Actually, that’s not entirely true: CG’s first choice of venue to have a roundtable discussion of the definitive take on the crisis, When Mooks Fail: The Goddamn Beatin’ That Bear Stearns Took, is his local Gold’s Gym (the last stop on the tour, late December). But this is at least preferable to doing it in that place with all the books. Will he step into the ring and regale the crowd with a quick demo from a guy who, little known fact, was a Golden Gloves hopeful? I think you know the answer to that. If you, too, would like to wow clients with a celebrity appearance at your annual investor dinner, get in touch.
From: Strategas Research Partners
Subject: Strategas – Boxing Night 2009 at the NYAC
It’s time for the 3rd Annual Strategas Boxing Night at the New York Athletic Club. As a way to socially say ‘thank you’ for the support we’ve received all year, Jason Trennert and I want to invite you to join us for a great night of steaks and boxing. This year the event will take place on Monday, November 23rd at the New York Athletic Club with dinner & drinks to start at 5:30PM / intercollegiate bouts starting at 7:30PM. Charlie Gasparino will also be on hand to discuss his new book, “The Sellout.”
Please let me know if you’d like to attend.
As previously mentioned, it seems Charlie Gasparino has some (cheapskate) fans in New Canaan, who lined up to get their hands on his new book, Up In Smoke, the second it was available at their local library. Now our attention has been directed to the fact that he’s got some rabid followers in Greenwich: every copy of his tome has been checked out or reserved in the last 24 hours. Now, obviously, we wouldn’t dare suggest that the entire state of Connecticut wasn’t waiting with bated breath to read (but not pay for) the definitive book on the crisis. But does this not seem a bit suspect? Clearly if a certain hedge fund manager wanted to keep this from his people, he’d simply have his air force bomb the libraries. But I’m not yet convinced something isn’t up. In related news sure to chap some NYT hide, our New Canaan librarian correspondent informs us of number of copies ordered for the various financial crisis titles:
The Sellout/ Charles Gasparino= 16
House of Cards/ William Cohen = 8
Street Fighters/ Kate Kelly = 1
Colossal Failure / Lawrence McDonald = 2
Too Big To Fail / Sorkin = 2
From our Southern Connecticut librarian mole:
The New Canaan Library had 16 copies of Charlie Gasparino’s book ready to rent yesterday. Half of them are already checked out. He’s coming here to speak at the end of the month.