• 13 Dec 2013 at 5:26 PM

CalPERS Not Interested In Carl Icahn’s Dinner Plans

The giant pension fund’s corporate governance honcho, Anne Simpson doesn’t like Carl Icahn’s jerk-off plans. She doesn’t like his jerk-off Twitter account. And she doesn’t like him, jerk off. Uncle Carl had better keep his goldbrickin’ ass out of her beach community state. Read more »

  • 30 Apr 2013 at 5:09 PM

CalPERS, Thinking Outside Of The Box Again

The nation’s largest public-pension fund turned an investment conference into a career fair, asking attending representatives of the hedge fund industry to consider dropping it a résumé. Read more »

SEC enforcement orders against low-grade investment hucksters are among my favorite literary genres, full of oddball characters, devious drama, and silly names for hedge funds. Part of me wants the SEC to just issue fake enforcement orders when they don’t have any real cases – no one would know the difference, and I would read them all1 – but I guess you can’t, as they say, make this stuff up.

Today there is Umesh Tandon, “the CEO of Chicago-based investment advisory firm Simran Capital Management,” who, remembering the old adage that it takes money to make money, told CalPERS that he was a big-shot hedge fund manager when he was in fact a small-shot hedge fund manager. In hindsight this should have been obvious because, I mean, just look at what he named his hedge funds:

Simran served as a subadviser to funds managed by other advisers and provided advisory services to its own private onshore fund (Simran Pre-Event Driven Activist Opportunity Fund LP) and a private offshore fund (Simran Pre-Event Driven Activist Opportunity Fund Ltd), both of which fed into a master fund.

“Pre-Event Driven Activist Opportunity Fund” is my new favorite fraudulent hedge fund name. Surely “pre-event driven” should mean “we trade on inside information,” though realistically it means “we have no idea what we’re talking about.” Also amazingly the fund did, or supposedly did, something totally unrelated to events, activism, opportunity, whatever: “Tandon marketed Simran as an experienced fixed income manager that applied a unique risk-averse strategy bearing a low correlation to equity and debt markets.” Perhaps the unique strategy was fraud.

Though, considering that name, Tandon’s fraud was surprisingly mild: Read more »

I’m just some guy, but two entities of which I have become aware in my travels are (1) Apollo Global Management and (2) CalPERS. I don’t want to endorse 100% of what either of them does – CalPERS tend to be governance-scoldy, and I’ve seen with my own eyes the withered husks of formerly personable M&A lawyers who’ve spent too much time on Apollo due diligence – but I don’t think it’d be too controversial for me to say that they’re both acknowledged leaders in their fields, those fields being respectively (1) running private equity funds and (2) investing great gobs of pension money in, among other things, private equity funds. To the point that, (1) if Apollo came to me and asked “who should we ask to invest in our new private equity fund?,” CalPERS would probably be high on my list, and (2) if CalPERS came to me and asked “what private equity funds should we invest in?,” Apollo would probably be high on that list.

So where is my $20 million?

Today former CalPERS CEO Federico Buenrostro and former independent placement agent Alfred Villalobos were indicted for fraudulently funneling $20 million of placement-agent fees from Apollo to Villalobos. The case is bonkers for reasons well summed up by Dan Primack a year ago when the SEC brought a related civil case. The gist of it seems to be: Read more »