can’t breathe I’m LOL’ing so hard

Quick story or not so much a story but a pet peeve I’ve never gotten off my chest: I hate when people use the nickname “Stevie” when referring to hedge fund manager Steve Cohen. It’s like nails on a chalkboard when anyone says it but particularly when deployed by total strangers creating false intimacy with the guy, as though they’re boys and/or they just finished sucking Cohen off. For her part, Mrs. Cohen is also said to be irked by the moniker, as she finds it childish. Having said all that, I’ve never taken someone to task for the offense* and, presumably, the Missus hasn’t either or at least not in the spectacular form demonstrated by Cohen’s lawyer. Earlier this year, the SAC Capital manger sat for two days of deposition, which was recently unsealed, as part of a lawsuit filed in 2006 by Canadian insurer Fairfax Financial against a group of hedge funds that included SAC. At one point, Fairfax’s lawyer Michael Bowe addresses Cohen as “Stevie,” and in response, Martin Klotz, the attorney representing Steve and SAC, goes absolutely ape shit. Read more »

  • 06 Jul 2011 at 4:11 PM

Dick Fuld Has A Message For Wall Street

It could also be interpreted as the greatest veiled threat since Angelo Mozilo said Bank of America “will reap the benefits of what [Countrywide] has sowed.” Read more »

Toward the end of the Raj Rajaratnam trial, the Galleon founder’s lead attorney John Dowd told reporters this would be his last case, noting that defending alleged insider traders is “a young man’s game.” At the time, we didn’t think it any great loss. But after he was asked by a CNBC camera crew if he wanted to give a comment and told them “Get the fuck out of here. That’s what I’ve got for CNBC,” we started to wonder if perhaps we’d been wrong to let him go without a fight, a feeling that only grew when, following Raj’s guilty verdict, Dowd declared the outcome a “23-14″ victory, for the defense. Then this morning we read the email he fired off to a Wall Street Journal reporter whose coverage of the Galleon trial Dowd believed was slanted in favor of the prosecution and have decided there is no way in “sucking Preet’s teet” hell we can allow this guy to bid us adieu just yet. Read more »

Or you can get a replica of this outfit. Your call.

Pop quiz: you’re a hedge fund manager named Philip Falcone. Last year investors got pretty bent out of shape when you loaned yourself $113 million in order to pay personal taxes, from a gated fund. Many of them, including Goldman Sachs and Blackstone, redeemed, and among the ones who stayed, well, they’re still not so happy, on account of the fact that you’ve tied up most of the fund’s money in a side project building walkie-talkies. A bunch of them put in requests to get their money back a couple months ago and you know they’re gonna just fa-reak (like they always do) if they don’t get it but you don’t have the scratch. You’ve been hoping the problem would just go away but it hasn’t and you need to think of something fast! What do you do? Whereas most managers wouldn’t have the foresight, you come up with something so genius you can’t wait to tell everyone about it.

“In light of my high conviction in LightSquared, its size within our portfolio and the necessity of maintaining a controlling position while we join forces with a strategic partner, we have determined to distribute a portion of the withdrawal proceeds for March 31, 2011 withdrawal requests in-kind,” said Falcone in a June 6 letter to investors…”While we have had opportunities to monetize a portion of our LightSquared position in recent months, I feel strongly that any sale by our funds of an interest in LightSquared would have been premature and would not only have jeopardized the ability to join forces with a strategic partner, but also would have limited the substantial upside that I am convinced will come to all of our investors as our plan is executed.”

Oddly, not all investors are thrilled. Read more »

Are you sick of the relentless pussification of Wall Street? Does it just burn you up inside that the majority of your co-workers consider eating 8 items from the vending machine over the course of 12 hours a challenge, which most of them would fail miserably and not be put in a burlap sack and beaten? Do you want harken back to a time when instead of being asked to participate in some dinky little JPMorgan 5k “challenge” or harangued into taking a Pilates class with one of your colleagues and getting your nails done after, you were going around the office signing people up for a feat of strength involving rolling around in the dirt, being lit on fire, and possibly dying? You’re not alone. Read more »