Carlyle Group

  • Private Equity

    David Rubenstein Will Have Warren Buffett Know He’s Not A Porn Shop Operator

    The Carlyle Group co-founder is a man of refinement and taste who is more or less single-handedly preserving America’s cultural heritage, such as it is. But assuming Warren Buffett’s glittering eyes were pointed in his direction when he compared Berkshire Hathaway to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and others as “porn shop owners” who will […]

    / Nov 21, 2014 at 1:15 PM
  • Private Equity

    Bonus Watch ’13: Carlyle Group Co-Founders

    William Conway was handsomely rewarded for having quantitatively more faith in his firm’s products than David Rubenstein and Daniel D’Aniello combined.

    / Feb 27, 2014 at 3:45 PM
  • Reading

    The Political Science Majors Shall Inherit The Earth

    Or Wall Street, at least: So sayeth Duke poli. sci. alum David Rubenstein, who is apparently bored to tears by all of you Wharton B.S.s and math majors, what with your inability to think critically or quote Rousseau.

    / Jan 24, 2014 at 2:49 PM
  • Private Equity

    David Rubenstein Can’t Wait To Make A Bunch Of Museums Very Happy From Beyond The Grave

    Add a copy of a 237-year-old newspaper to the precious historical documents to be pried from the Carlyle Group CEO’s cold, dead hands.

    / Jun 26, 2013 at 5:57 PM
  • News

    Wells CEO Highest-Paid Bank Chief, Carlyle Founders Profoundly Unimpressed

    If you had John Stumpf in the office “highest-paid U.S. bank CEO for 2012″ pool, congratulations.

    / Mar 15, 2013 at 1:45 PM
  • David Rubenstein is always being photographed villainously but doesn't he actually look pretty jolly?

    News, Private Equity

    Carlyle Will Now Manage Your Spare Change For You, Basically

    “Hedge funds and private equity funds are secretive pools of capital blah blah blah,” people always say, and there’s some truth to that. But it’s partly true partly because a certain discretion is required by law. Banging on publicly about how awesome your hedge fund is could be taken as a “general solicitation” for investors, […]

    / Mar 13, 2013 at 2:06 PM
  • News

    Bill Gross Is Not The Only One Who Feels Fat

    Are your pants getting a little tight? Have you become convinced mirrors have a personal vendetta against you? Are you too distracted by the rolls spilling over your pants to trade? Do you find yourself veering off course in your letters to investors to talk about your love handles? Is it only a matter of time before you lose your firm billions and/or take down the entire market because your fingers are so big they span four keys each on the keyboard? Do you want to do something about it but are repulsed by the idea of healthy eating and exercise and also know yourself well enough to realize that there is no way you’re going to be able to stay strong if everyone around you is eating delicious fried food at lunch and sooner or later you, a usually pretty mild-mannered guy, will be leaping across a row of Bloomberg terminals and threatening to kill a coworker (and meaning it) unless he hands over Ho Ho now? Then round up your tubbiest colleagues and tell them they’re in for a real treat.

    Eric Helms, who founded the four-year-old Cooler Cleanse company with the actress Salma Hayek, says office cleansers now make up 30 percent of his business, and in the last year he has hired three customer-service employees just to handle the details of them. He said there has been a “huge increase in popularity” of cleansing with co-workers in the last year, which he credits to juice diets being more mainstream. “Everyone knows someone who’s done one, and they realize they’re a lot easier to do with colleagues during the workweek,” he said. “People want to indulge” — not sip celery — “on weekends.”

    Recent six-juice-a-day-dieters include employees at Merrill Lynch and the Carlyle Group, she said. In May, Citigroup began offering BluePrintCleanse in some of its Manhattan cafeterias, a spokeswoman said…About two-thirds of cleanse clients over all are women, but corporate cleanses “commonly skew toward men, especially traders, investment bankers and lawyers,” said Jina Wye, director of sales and marketing for BluePrintCleanse, founded in 2007 by two former Hudson Hotel bartenders looking to swap their poisons. (Mr. Helms said 90 percent of his male customers are part of groups.) Ms. Wye said: “These Type-A men have an all-or-none perspective. If they’re going to commit, they do it whole hog.” Most popular among male en masse cleansers: the Excavation cleanse, described on the Web site as “the most intense.”

    And if you want to really crank things up a notch, consider gauging interest in a group colonic to top things off.

    Cleansing From Cubicle To Cubicle [NYT]
    Related: I’m afraid I might tell her to buy a gun and just shoot me before the fat and the cellulite strike again.

    / Jul 12, 2012 at 12:48 PM
  • Private Equity

    Carlyle Group’s IPO Lays The Groundwork For An Abusive, Coercive MBO In About Five Years

    Okay so you’re a private equity fund and you’ve filed to go public. GOTCHA: Q. You tout the managerial-discipline, incentive-alignment and cost-saving benefits of taking companies out of the public equity markets. Yet you’re going public with your own company. Aren’t you just obviously destroying value to top-tick the market??? A. No, no, it’s not […]

    / Jan 18, 2012 at 6:31 PM
  • News

    Carlyle Group Spends Too Much Time Being A Private Equity Firm For Some People’s Liking

    Eeevil conspiracy theory source The Carlyle Group filed for its IPO today, which makes sense because the best time to file for an IPO is during a global financial meltdown (better than filing in normal times and launching your roadshow into a meltdown, or not). The not so great news: they’re too private equity-y for […]

    / Sep 6, 2011 at 7:18 PM
  • News

    Carlyle Group IPO Is An Eeeeevil Conspiracy But There Are Some Nice Things About It Too

    If you love a good conspiracy theory but find Ron Paul’s and Rick Perry’s calls to kill Ben Bernanke for counterfeiting a little played out, do we have some good news for you. The Carlyle Group, a mild mannered private equity firm by day that at night transforms into an evil conspiracy among George Bush, […]

    / Aug 17, 2011 at 1:22 PM
  • News, Private Equity

    Jimmy Lee: Credit Markets are “Wide Open”

    Jimmy Lee, JPMorgan’s legendary dealmaker, just finished up CNBC’s new show, Strategy Session. Not only did he say the credit markets “are wide open,” but up to $10 billion in debt is now available for an LBO, provided it sits on top of about $5 billion in equity and is, of course, the right kind of company.

    / Jun 8, 2010 at 12:50 PM
  • News

    Caption Contest Tuesday

    [Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg via Getty Images] [Cavorting at a Bloomberg cocktail party before the White House Correspondents’ Dinner]

    / May 4, 2010 at 11:40 AM

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