Citi

  • 25 Aug 2010 at 1:59 PM

Which Analyst Is Citigroup “Freezing Out”?

Charlie Gasparino is apparently going to reveal the winning answer shortly but for those of you whose offices don’t have the TV’s turned to FBN, let’s take some stabs at it. Historically, Meredith Whitney has been the analyst with whom the bank has had the most beef, so she should be the first name that comes to mind. We can confidently cross her name off the list, though, ’cause they don’t have the balls. I suppose it could be Dick Bové but are they really looking for another tear-streamed freak-out? Probably not. So, who then? Mayo? Some bucket shop pissant you’ve never heard of so C can feel like a big man without having a certain dominatrix shove a shiv up their asses?

Update: And Mayo is the winner of the Count Vikula cold shoulder! Read more »

  • 12 Aug 2010 at 11:55 AM

Citi Cares Deeply About Your Fuck-Up Offspring

Only half-serious, of course (though Vickles does love a charity case). What the bank does care about is having its wealthy clients’ hard-earned money pissed away by a bunch of pissants who need to be put on a leash.

Citigroup is testing a website to let millionaires’ children manage their allowances, while alerting parents and bankers when scions blow through cash too quickly. Heirs to Citigroup’s wealthiest clients can log in to parent-funded accounts for discretionary spending, investments and “one-click giving” to charities. The site was developed by Tile Financial LLC, founded by former New York Stock Exchange finance chief and Bear Stearns Cos. analyst Amy Butte.

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  • 10 Aug 2010 at 4:25 PM

Moscow-Based Citi Bankers Not Afraid Of A Little Heat

The delicate flowers at JPMorgan may have canceled their daily note but you can’t hold down Vikram’s little soldiers. Read more »

So, the London police recently decided they’ve had it with brothels and have started to crack down on the pay-to-lay establishments. Perhaps you heard about their last raid– codename “Operation Monaco”– through the grapevine or because it was your colleague laying there with a ball gag in his mouth while a terrifying woman with a thick Eastern European accent shouted “Administer the testicle clamps!”? Sound familiar? It might if you’re tight with the “35-year-old from Citibank in Canary Wharf” who had been “availing the services of two Polish hookers” when the cops walked in. Read more »

If she has to, she has to.

So give it up for them says the bank’s chief economist. Read more »

Things just fall through the cracks sometimes. They had a lot going on that day. Read more »

Pack your bags, Timbo. It’s been real. In other good-for-Vickles news, analyst are predicting that Citi will post profits of of a whole nickel per share tomorrow, in which case you can probably expect something like this to go down in the C-suite in about 18 hours. Read more »