Each year, after a long and very comprehensive background check, a lucky group of Goldman employees are abducted from their desks, blindfolded, gagged, and led by candlelight through a dark hallway and into a subterranean conference room. Standing on the table before them are Lloyd Blankfein, Gary Cohn and the rest of the management committee, who ask if they are prepared to pledge their devotion to the firm above all else. Those who agree have their nether regions dipped in a vat of gold and, at the stroke of midnight, are inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. While there are many ways that becoming a member of the club will change one’s life, the most important one involves the partaking of astronomical profits on payday. As a result, when people are not invited to join the group, they tend to get very upset. For instance, hedge fund manager David Tepper, who became a billionaire many times over after leaving the firm, was still so upset about the snub twenty years later that he bought and bulldozed the house of the guy who passed him over. Others probably wouldn’t have even gone to the trouble of buying the place first, and operated the wrecking ball themselves. Which is why we say in full seriousness that the Partnership Committee might want to watch its back this year. Read more »
- 27 Nov 2013 at 1:30 PM
The holiday season is nigh and you still haven’t shopped. While you’re dreaming only of sugar plum fairies bearing fat bonuses, you don’t the time to mingle with the riff raff at some big box nightmare. Dealbreaker is here to help. Behold the 2013 Dealbreaker Holiday Gift Guide, chockfull of descriptors like “custom,” “gourmet,” “housecleaning,” and “DB swag.”
Click through to check out all of our gift choices for the hardcore capitalist in your life.
- Goldman Sachs To Offer More Would-Be Partners Opportunity To Go David Tepper On An Executive's Ass This Year September 26, 2012
- Credit Suisse Employee Moonlights As Breakdancing National Champion December 6, 2013
- Using Yiddish Word For Screwing Only One Of The Many Colorful Ways That Bernie Madoff Made Clear He Was Up To No Good December 6, 2013
- Don't Want To Get On Compliance's Watch List? Consider Not Going On Endlessly About How Ravenous You Are Or How They're Expecting You At Chipotle; One "God Damn It I'm Starving" Or "Need Burrito In Mouth, Stat" Should Suffice December 6, 2013
- Who Among Us Wouldn't Listen To A Guy Pitch An Investment Involving "Pay-Per-View Programming Starring Carmen Electra" And Proceed To Wire Him $195,000? December 5, 2013
- Tommy Belesis Will Have To Wait At Least 1 Year Before Threatening To Hit Another Broker With His Car December 5, 2013
- Christmas Come Early For John Paulson December 6, 2013
- Charlie Gasparino's Gut Tells Him Trouble Is Brewing At Goldman Sachs, Though In Fairness That Could Just Be Last Night's Chinese December 6, 2013
- Write-Offs: 12.06.13 December 6, 2013
- The 2013 Dealbreaker Holiday Gift Guide November 27, 2013
- Executive Editor
- Bess Levin
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