Listen up, people. It’s never to early to start talking year-end bonuses and in order to ensure you’ll be making it rain, today we’re going to talk about this: strategy. Pick a number, any number. Visualize that number. What is it? A unit? A buncha units? You want it? You can have it, so long as you arm yourselves with the tools to go get it. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started I’m going to offer a bunch of tips I’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:
1. You must–must!– have a wing-negotiator. I don’t care if it’s a first year analyst, an intern, or the receptionist, you need someone who’ll be there to a) back you up but most importantly announce your entrance. You will wait outside the conference room and he/she will go in and let everyone know, “Alright, you suits, prepare yourselves for [your first name]-motherfucking [your last name].” Continue reading »
Not too long ago, Patricia Cohen, the ex-wife of Steve, had a dream. It wasn’t just that she wanted to successfully sue her former husband, who she’d accused of insider trading, hiding marital assets, and so on and so forth and it wasn’t just about money. “No,” Patty said to herself, “dream bigger.” And so she did. She dreamed of what many want but few have the cojones or ovaries to ask for: SAC Capital. A “substantial if not controlling stake.” Her own desk on the floor. The PMs, the P&L analysts, the Silver Fox, the bodyguard. They were all gonna be hers. And not just that, she’d take the embalmed pets too. And all the fleece jackets in the back. Throw in the vests as well! In June, she got a new lawyer (her third one since this case started) and though we wondered if it signaled a setback, figured, hey, if this broad wants it, she’ll find a way. Today the ex-Mrs. SAC has announced that she’s no longer gunning for the most majestic hedge fund in all the land. She’s not even asking for one fleece! Fork over $2.7 million and she’ll go away (though, you know, it would be a nice gesture). Continue reading »
