• dave-chappelle


    Would Be KBW Intern Hopes Dave Chappelle Clip Takes Sting Out Of News He’s Picking JPM

    Funny YouTube clips generally ease the sting of rejection, yes?

    / Nov 20, 2015 at 3:17 PM
  • Bezos_Amazon_Hell


    Jeff Bezos to Employees: You Don’t Work In A Dystopian Hellscape, Do You? DO YOU?!?!

    The Amazon employee handbook is apparently just a box set of “The Hunger Games” trilogy.

    / Aug 17, 2015 at 11:44 AM
  • barclays


    Barclays Junior Banker Who Tried Hand At Comedy In Email To Interns Not A Barclays Junior Banker Anymore

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

    / Jun 8, 2015 at 11:33 AM
  • JP Morgan Intern

  • hsbc

  • News

    Banker Charged With Murder Will Be Unreachable For A While

    An automated e-mail reply from the Bank of America Corp. account of Rurik Jutting yesterday […]

    / Nov 3, 2014 at 2:27 PM
  • hockey


    UBS Intern Chose Wisely?

    Things came down to hockey vs. UBS summer, and hockey won, which seems reasonable. From: […]

    / Jun 26, 2014 at 1:36 PM
  • News

    New Investment Banking Hire (‘s Colleagues) Want To Get A Few Things Straight

    Update: While the below is in fact “real” (as in it was an email sent […]

    / May 8, 2014 at 9:45 AM
  • stagecoach-3jpg-4d544b5089a39999


    Applicant Formerly Interested In Wells Fargo Securities Analyst Program Has Epiphany

    …and that would be that he’s too good for Wells Fargo, and he’s wasting his […]

    / Nov 25, 2013 at 1:46 PM
  • winkemoticon


    Business Leader Of Tomorrow Asks: Is A Gig In The Upper Echelons Of Corporate America A “Work-Love Trade Off”?

    The question comes from a budding CPA but surely there are would-be bankers, traders, hedge […]

    / Oct 10, 2013 at 3:42 PM
  • Galaxia-y-Espacio-Exterior


    BMO Capital Markets Analyst Is Headed For Space

    No, not really. But when so many farewell emails can veer into an uncomfortable To: […]

    / Jul 19, 2013 at 5:34 PM
  • News

    Analyst’s ‘Burning Down The House’ Jingle Part of ‘Robust Internal Debate,’ Penetrating Analytic Process, Says S&P

    Standard & Poor’s asked a federal judge on Monday to dismiss a U.S. Justice Department […]

    / Apr 22, 2013 at 5:17 PM
  • keyboard


    “I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU”: Sorority Girl Offers Wall Street A Clinic In Motivating People

    If Tommy “I will run you over in the street” Belesis ever beats those fraud charges, the first thing he does is contact the writer of this letter to sign up for a 2-week intensive course that involves shadowing the master around campus (there is much to learn). The rest of you: take notes.

    / Apr 18, 2013 at 2:37 PM
  • News

    Person Sends Email To Jamie Dimon

    We* don’t really find it particularly amusing amusing or post-worthy that a Jefferies employee accidentally or misguidedly put Jamie Dimon on an email about a working group list but judging by the number of people who’ve sent it to us, this is the height of banking humor, so here you go:

    / Mar 5, 2013 at 6:50 PM
  • John_W_Henry_1821269c


    John W. Henry & Company To Evict Investors At The End Of The Year

    Clients were informed of the turn of events today in a rather terse email that may or may not have concluded, “So that’s all, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

    John W. Henry & Co., a trading firm controlled by the principal owner of baseball’s Boston Red Sox, told clients it will stop managing their money amid dwindling assets and slumping returns. “This is to notify you that JWH has determined to cease managing client assets effective December 31, 2012,” Amy B. Hanson, a marketing manager of the firm, wrote in an email to clients on Friday. “We will not be providing performance information going forward.” John W. Henry said it will continue to do some trading for its own account. The firm, which managed more than $2.5 billion in 2006, today oversees less than $100 million, Mr. Henry said in an email.

    John W. Henry to Stop Managing Client Money [WSJ]

    / Nov 9, 2012 at 2:17 PM
  • News

    BarCap Analyst Identifies Senior Bankers’ Failure To Show Up To Good-Bye Party As Being Representative Of “Fundamental Flaw In Group’s Culture,” Suggests They Shape Up ASAP

    From: [redacted]
    To: BarCap TMT Group
    Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2012 12:21 PM


    At last night’s event, we were disappointed by the poor representation of senior bankers. We truly appreciate Pat, David and Ranjot for showing up and expressing support and gratitude. However, the fact that only three of 21 senior bankers decided to show up speaks to a fundamental flaw in the culture of our group.

    / Jun 27, 2012 at 4:17 PM
  • News

    Lehman Brothers Thought Fight To Stay Alive Was A Battle Of Good (Them) Versus Evil (Everyone Else)

    As some of you may recall, a month after Lehman Brothers went under, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform released an interesting email Dick Fuld had sent to LEH vice-chairman Thomas Russo on Saturday, April 12, 2008, circa midnight. Dick had just come back from a dinner with Hank Paulson and was so excited to relay the details he couldn’t wait ’til the next day to get in touch with Russo, who he apparently viewed as his “teacher.” Fuld said his key “takeaways” were that the government loved Lehman, that Paulson wanted to “kill the bad hedge funds” (like those diabolical shorts Fuld knew were to blame for his problems), and that while the then Treasury Secretary appeared to have a “worried view” of Merrill Lynch, Dick got the sense that Paulson thought Lehman was in terrific shape. Per the bankruptcy documents put online last week, here’s how the rest of the conversation between Fuld and his Sensei went.

    / Apr 30, 2012 at 6:32 PM
  • That Be Us

    Dick Fuld: “The Bros Always Wins”

    As previously mentioned, if one were inclined to relive the fall of Lehman Brothers, one could do so via the bankruptcy documents that were recently made available online. There you’ll find, among other things, countless examples of what has been said so many times since September 15, 2008, which is that it’s amazing how delusional the people at the very top were, vis-à-vis the firm’s solvency/what people thought of it/everything. Also worth marveling at? The fact that Lehman lasted as long as it did with what appear to be barely literate troglodytes running the place.

    [The following dialogue is re: CITIC considering an investment in a US bank and the suggestion that it is more interested in Bear Stearns.]

    / Apr 30, 2012 at 12:46 PM
  • News

    Fox Business Senior Email Correspondent: Thousands Of Goldman Employees Saw Muppet Movie, Wanted To Talk About It The Next Day

    Your call.

    From: [redacted]
    Sent: March 28, 2012 9:12 AM
    Subject: Spring Ahead

    For those with direct/indirect coverage responsibilities, pls take out your lists today to remind yourselves who we have money out to and that your name is on the ComCom coverage team that got that money approved. Anecdotal observation I conclude is that where we pay attention in some reasonable, non-trivial ways (meeting, meal, call, insightful email), we get paid back in flow DCM capital markets participation

    It’s just how this game works, the money doesn’t flat out speak for us, we need to speak for it, and we don’t have to stomp/yell, just be around, consistently the more frequency, the more client comfort, the more they feel reminded of their commercial obligations to us, the easier it is for them to remember to take care of us — lubricate to prevent rust, just like a motor engine or morning exercise

    We’ve been printing something almost every week this spring, keep the momentum while it’s here, and make it grow so it lasts into trough times

    If you think this message is meant for someone else, it’s probably for you too, it is for us all, so don’t look sideways for some sort of peer-level comfort, look to your career, which is your clients

    Junior bankers pushing cogent observations up are as important as senior bankers pushing that stimulus out to clients — make your time matter most, you own it the world is still an uncertain place, which means our individual and collective ability to create opportunity and make a personal impact is here and now

    Various of us have teamed up very well on multiple and diverse endeavors within this 2012 Budget year to close out Tier 1, and then re-populate it, so it matters for our Fiscal 2012

    In doing so, we have become a Burden to our competitors and a Benefit to our clients, as it should be

    Those recently Burdened by our direct sharp edge into their fee pie and who would otherwise prefer that we be unmotivated, disorganized, lazy-minded, subservient and acquiescent include:

    [list of every large bank]

    With no due respect to their no longer deserved incumbency, I like being where we are, doing what we’re doing, and how we’re doing it, working and Winning, without the Charlie Sheen meltdowns along the way

    Welcome to Top 10 there’s more food on those complacent plates, they’re distracted by entitlement, not watching the table, it’s time for the hungry to eat

    We Hunt and We Gather, sometimes alone, sometimes together both strategies work, and have since mankind became sentient

    Wherever your personal preferences and natural tendencies may lead you, rise above that and evolve to a more meaningful Hunter/Gatherer contributor to this increasingly productive tribe — the bigger payout kills require larger organized squads — wolves hunt in packs for a reason, and every pack needs it’s field leader to be best organized — it’s the time-tested proven best use of a wolf pack’s collective energy — if they waste it, they starve in winter — we’re graduating to wolf pack status, it’s got our competitors looking, watching, wondering — for those who’ve never operated within a wolf pack, come aboard and enjoy the living/learning-by-doing experience!

    / Mar 30, 2012 at 11:56 AM
  • ifhehastohehasto


    President Of Multi-Billion Dollar Investment Firm Will Fire The Next Degenerate Caught Leaving a Dirty Dish In the Sink Before He Will Hire a Janitor

    From: [redacted]
    Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 4:57 PM
    To: Office-CT
    Subject: The end of my rope.

    Ten days ago I entered the kitchen at 6 pm at the end of the day to find a sink full of dirty dishes. I cleaned them and put them in the dishwasher. Today I just went in the kitchen and again there is a sink full of dirty dishes.

    Let me make this clear. THERE IS A SIGN OVER THE SINK FOR A REASON… one in this office is paid to be your personal janitor. If I catch anyone leaving their dirty dishes in the sink, you will be fired.

    President and Chief Operating Officer

    Obviously this an amazing story we’re going to be following closely. At this time we do have a few questions that need answering and they are: 1) What was the first thought that crossed this guy’s mind upon entering the kitchen and seeing the mess yesterday? Was it “These filthy fucking animals”? 2) What level of slop are we talking about here? Was it every available fork and stacks and stacks of plates with disgusting crusted-on grease or was it, like, a water glass and he’d just reached that point where one more dirty dish pushes you over the edge? 3) His boss is a billionaire who might very well think he’s paying someone to act as a personal janitor– if he’s one of the culprits will the same vigilante justice and dressing down be served? 4) Has he installed surveillance cameras to monitor the area? On the one hand, this email would suggest that yes, he most certainly has. On the other, though, he sort of sounds like he’s so pissed about this shit that he’s going to shelve all of his other responsibilities in order to devote himself full time to staking out the kitchen and nailing these lowlifes.

    / Mar 28, 2012 at 11:32 AM
  • News

    Bernie Madoff Was Just Trying To “Change The Way Money Was Managed,” Not That Anyone Cares

    For about a year now, Bernie Madoff has been holding court with various members of the press about something that’s been plaguing him: the fact that few people if any are willing to give credit where credit is due. Yes, he may have pleaded guilty to a $50 billion crime that ruined countless people’s lives, including those of his wife and children, one of whom committed suicide as a result, but he did a lot of other stuff too, like run a “successful business” for which he won lots of “industry awards” during his “legitimate years.” And, yet, everyone seems to forget all that when his name comes up, much like they conveniently forgot about how Mussolini made the trains run or time, or how Hitler built those wonderful autobahns, or how Ted Bundy made women feel special. And since he’s serving a 150 year sentence, Berns has had lots of time to ponder why his years of legitimate achievements go unmentioned and the one thing he keeps coming back to? Irving Picard, who’s pulled a fast one on you all, by suggesting that Bernie’s crime started wayyyyy before it did, when, in fact, Madoff Securities was only running a Ponzi scheme for barely even 20 years. Examine the evidence Madoff shared with Forbes contributor Diana B. Henriques via email:

    Jan. 17, 2011 11:05 A.M. … Also remember that the U.S. Attorney admitted that they had no evidence that the crime started in the 80’s and could establish that Montauk and the N.Y. homes in Ruth’s name were not purchased with tainted funds …

    Mar. 10, 2011 7:35 A.M. … I would love to know what evidence [Picard] has to date my crime back to 1983 … THE FACT IS THAT THERE IS NONE.

    8:05 A.M. … I say once again the fraud started in the 90’s …

    Mar. 18, 2011 9:26 A.M. … I guess I’m obsessed with this START OF CRIME ISSUE.

    Don’t you see, idiots of the media?! That’s the real issue here. Not the crime itself but the start of the crime. Do the math.

    Oct. 11, 2011 7:20 A.M. … You can do a back of the envelope calculation as follows. From 1963 I made substantial arbitrage profits for the Picower, Shapiro and Chais families joined by the Levy family in 1970. [M]ost of these profits were re­invested and the amounts compounded. In 1970 Saul Alpern formed his partnerships later [run] by Avellino and Bienes. In 1980 I started trading for [French banker] Albert Igoin and his French and Swiss banking associates. All of these accounts averaged about 20% annually and were involved in various forms of convertible arb using bonds, pfds [preferreds], Rts. [rights] and units. [A]nd ALL WERE LEGITIMATE TRADING. THIS CONTINUED THRU THE EARLY 90’S.

    Nov. 24, 2011 6:51 P.M. … When you look at my RIDDLE [in the Nov. 23 letter], consider the fact that there was in fact no crime until I did not have enough capital in the firm to cover the losses. There is your real STORY

    The interesting thing here is not that there was an 11-figure fraud, okay? The interesting thing is how long the 11-figure fraud went on. And it stinks to high hell that that slippery fuck Picard and Co. are claiming it dates back to 1983 and that you’re all buying it, hook, line and sinker. Come on, people. They’re lawyers. Who are you gonna trust, them or a Ponzi schemer? But don’t feel sorry for Bernie. Feel sorry for yourselves, for what could have been and what never was.

    Near the end of that e-mail the clouds of self-deception close in again, and Madoff turns himself into a pitiful martyr: “I made the tragic mistake of trying to change the way money was managed and was successful at the start, but lost my way after a while and refused to admit that I failed at one point.”

    HE WAS TRYING TO THE WAY MONEY WAS MANAGED! A legitimate way to make Ponzi scheme payments, before it was tragically snuffed out.

    Oct. 11, 2011 7:36 A.M. … I will never get over the distortions being presented by everyone as to the poor and now homeless when in fact they all signed documents when opening their accounts that they were sophisticated and had enough wealth to withstand the possible losses of short term trading. I wish I had saved the hundreds of letters I received thanking me for how I was responsible for their happiness over the years and their pleading with me to keep their accounts open when I tried to close them … when I worried about the wreckage I might cause if I couldn’t recover.

    Is the REAL STORY that the investor agreements specifically authorized BLMIS to make Ponzi scheme payments (a totally legitimate type of securities transaction, a short term trade if you will)? Unless someone pulls their head out of their ass, the world will never know.

    Exclusive: The Secret Madoff Prison Letters [Forbes]

    / Mar 20, 2012 at 1:48 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan VP Plays (Corporate Basketball) To Win, Starting By Building A Fortress-Like Defense

    Those of you who’ve been in the working world for a while have probably experienced […]

    / Jan 26, 2012 at 11:47 AM
  • News

    Occupy Wall Street Assignment Forces NYU Undergrad To Lose Her Shit Via Open Letter To School President, Demand Professor’s Resignation OR SHE GOES PUBLIC

    Yesterday afternoon, we met David Gray, a JPMorgan investment banker whose love interest had yet […]

    / Dec 7, 2011 at 1:11 PM
  • News

    How To Succeed On Wall Street Without Trying, Like, At All

    As we surely needn’t tell you, when one is a high-powered college student expecting to […]

    / Sep 28, 2011 at 3:36 PM
  • News

    Dick X. Bové Wants To Make Sure You Know The ‘X’ Stands For Xcellence

    From: Richard Bove Sent: Friday, September 09, 2011 05:58 AM Subject: Predictions

    / Sep 9, 2011 at 10:36 AM
  • News

    Bernie Madoff Beats Reporters Off With A Stick, No Longer Respects Charlie Gasparino

    The Ponz Master apparently emailed Gasparino to tell him as much last night and to […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 4:04 PM