Yesterday afternoon, we met David Gray, a JPMorgan investment banker whose love interest had yet to come around to why they should be together, despite his 1,983 text and emails (over 16 hours), among other romantic gestures, stating as much. Oddly, some people thought that Gray’s decision to, for instance, install a tracking device in his [fingers crossed, it could still happen] future wife’s phone went a bit too far. Said people included the object of his affection, Daniela, her family, the police, who granted her a restraining order against him, and the Internet. Right about now, despite knowing in his heart he’s done–and will continue to do?– the right thing, David is likely feeling a bit alienated by those who just don’t get it, or him. Know who might? A guy named Mike.

Mike recently went out on a date with a woman named Lauren. According to Mike, things went pretty great, as evidenced by the fact that 1) She played with her hair a lot (sayeth Mike: “A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.”) and 2) “On a per-minute basis,” he’s never had as much eye-contact during a date as he did with her. Did Lauren say “It was nice to meet you” at the end of things? Yes, and Mike is willing to concede that sometimes that’s a sign of a woman not being interested and rule it as being “inconclusive.” Having said that, all in all, he was pretty sure the signals had more than been put out that a second date and perhaps a serious relationship were on tap.

And yet, Lauren didn’t respond to any of his calls and follow-up texts. Why was that the case? Mike didn’t know, because, as previously stated, someone whose name rhymes with Whoren never got back to him. And while we can spend some time theorizing about the various reasons, before rejecting them as invalid– (A. Occupation: Sayeth Mike, “Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a ‘real’ job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have ‘real’ jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have ‘real’ jobs? I think so.” B. Physical attraction: Sayeth Mike again, “I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date.”)- Mike knew that there was only one person, whose name rhymes with Big Fucking Whoren, that could answer that question.

Furthermore, despite admittedly finding Lauren “less appealing now,” in the aftermath of No Response-Gate, Mike was still willing to set that aside in order to get the 30 Year Plan he jotted down on a napkin while Lauren was in the bathroom during their first date back on track. (All great relationships get rocky at some point and besides, this would be a good story to tell Lauren and Mikey Jr. one day. What, you’re not a fan of generational suffixes? I knew you’d fight me on that one. That’s so us, to argue over something like this.) And so, after doing a Google search to find Lauren’s email address, fired off the following: Continue reading »