After two long years of a highly uncomfortable process called “cross-ruffing,” today is the day a small group of Goldman Sachs employees’ lives will be forever altered. In addition to the physical change that will result from the new partner status– their genitals will now a emit a light similar to that of a glowing orb, visible through dress pants– here’s what else the young princes and princesses of West Street can expect:
- A call from on high.
- Sandwiches in a conference room.
- The ability to get anyone you want on the phone without having to resort to groveling.
- A new expectation– because of the bags of money– that you’ll be available to the firm, which can track your movements via the GPS installed in your golden scrot, at any time.
If the previous odds of a considerable stay in jail didn’t deter you before… Read more »
Turney Duff is a former Galleon trader turned memoirist, who wrote about “drug-fueled benders,” feelings of emptiness, and the time he “faked a mugging by rolling on the pavement and into a puddle until he was bleeding and bruised” as an excuse for missing work one day in “The Buy Side.” It seems unlikely that he’ll rejoin the securities industry, but in the event he does, know that he’s watching you. Read more »
JPMorgan Exec Is Gonna Pass On The Opportunity To Curl Up Next To Co-Workers, As Enticing As It SoundsBy Bess Levin
Before Cristina Monteiro, a managing director at JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM), flies abroad, she first checks to see where her colleagues will be sitting — and then chooses her own seat on the other side of the plane. “I don’t want to sleep with anyone from my office,” said Monteiro, 53, about the prospect of having a male co-worker as a seatmate on an overnight flight. “I’m very upfront about it. It’s awkward.” [Bloomberg]
JP Morgan Chase & Co. Chief Executive Officer James Dimon has told investors he wants to stay with the largest U.S. bank for as many as five more years, according to people familiar with the conversation. “I’m going nowhere,” Mr. Dimon said during an April 23 lunch at a hotel overlooking Boston Harbor, according to people who attended…The new clarity is a contrast to comments made by the 58-year-old Mr. Dimon a year ago as he hinted in a private meeting with investors he might leave the bank if shareholders voted to separate his roles of chief executive and chairman, according to people familiar with that conversation. [WSJ]
Want To Show Up To Work Looking And Smelling Like An Upstanding Citizen No Matter What You Did Last Night?By Bess Levin
Do you party so hard you wake up looking like a dead person the next day? Has a colleague mentioned your skin tone is very similar to his uncle’s when he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver? Do you get weird stares in meetings from people wondering what drain you were pulled out of? Do you look like a 37 year-old who’s had a hard life, even though you’re 22, just graduated, and this investment banking gig is the first job you’ve ever had? Do you get the distinct feeling you’ve gotten your last free pass on showing up to work smelling like cigarettes and the urinal you tripped and face planted into last night? Apparently there’s a lady who can help with all that. Read more »