Goldman Sachs

Goldman Sachs Is Smart

Come to give thanks. Not smart enough to avoid almost certain death without that government lifeline in 2008, but smart enough to realize that said lifeline, coupled with the 1999 banking deregulation that helped lead to the financial crisis of which that almost certain death was a part, gave it (and Morgan Stanley) a tremendously unfair advantage over everyone else vis-à-vis commodities, one that’s still printing money for the bank. Read more »

  • 12 Nov 2014 at 12:46 PM

Goldman Sachs Changes 78 People’s Lives

lloyd-blankfein-and-gary-cohnThe following employees successfully made it through the two-year “cross-ruffing” process and were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach this morning. Be sure to send them a congratulatory message at some point today; right now they’re with HR, receiving instructions on how to operate their newly promoted nether regions, which were dipped in gold just an hour ago and can take some time getting used to. Read more »

lloydblankfeingarycohngoldmansachsAfter two long years of a highly uncomfortable process called “cross-ruffing,” today is the day a small group of Goldman Sachs employees’ lives will be forever altered. In addition to the physical change that will result from the new partner status– their genitals will now a emit a light similar to that of a glowing orb, visible through dress pants– here’s what else the young princes and princesses of West Street can expect:

  • A call from on high.
  • Sandwiches in a conference room.
  • The ability to get anyone you want on the phone without having to resort to groveling.
  • A new expectation– because of the bags of money– that you’ll be available to the firm, which can track your movements via the GPS installed in your golden scrot, at any time.

Read more »

  • 04 Nov 2014 at 3:53 PM
  • Banks

An Election Day Message From Goldman Sachs

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!Pay no mind to the silly Europeans or global oil prices. In fact, pay no mind to anything that can be connoted by the word “global.” All that matters is happening right here in the greatest country in the history of the world. Although, it must be said, those matters are not necessarily great themselves. Read more »

Lloyd Blankfein Gary CohnGoldman commissioned its own study re: certain allegations of gender discrimination and the results show there’s a lot that went over Cristina Chen-Oster and Shanna Orlich’s heads. Read more »

Goldman Sachs Just Wants A Winner

Assessing the cost of the place.Lloyd Blankfein may have a direct line to the Big Guy Upstairs, but he seems to have been withholding some crucial information in recent years, based on certain bets made by GS. That Romney character is not President of the United States, Goldman’s best check-writing efforts notwithstanding, and Brazil is rather emphatically not sporting a sixth star on their soccer jerseys these days. But if the polls are right—and, really, when are they not?—Goldman won’t be backing the wrong horse this time around. Read more »

Bonus Watch ’14: Goldman Sachs

Thanks, guys.The Little Lloyds won’t be getting as much of that extra 25% in revenue the bank earned last quarter, but they’ll do alright. Read more »