Goldman Sachs

Christopher Zigmund Barra and Luis Miguel Sampedro likely have $7.5 million coming their way. Read more »

On the one hand....After an embarrassing predictive losing streak, Goldman resumed its customary winning ways on Election Day, when its millions helped put Mitch McConnell on the cover of Time magazine. And the bank has no intention of allowing its nascent winning streak to come to an end in guessing what the stock market’s going to do next year. Luckily, Team Lloyd has a plan. Two plans, actually. Read more »

deebsalebIn 2010, Deeb Salem was employed as a mortgage trader at Goldman Sachs, despite numerous attempts by rivals to poach him and his self-described Michael Jordan-esque skills. He told his mother, who was living with him at the time, that he expected to be paid a $13 million bonus. So when it turned out he only received $8.25 million, you can imagine how incensed Deeb must have been. Not only had GS management made him look like a liar, it failed to keep up its end of the unspoken agreement re: not disappointing the mothers of Goldman Sachs employees. Refusing to let Goldman get away with such an unspeakable act, Salem sued the bank, demanding it cough up the extra $5 million he believed he was owed. Sadly, last September, a judge dealt Salem a bit of a setback in his quest to recover the money but if anyone thought that was going to stop him from ultimately making good on his promise to the woman who gave him life, he/she thought wrong! Read more »

The Anticipation Is Building At 200 West Street

Let's eat!Here’s something for which Lloyd Blankfein’s feeling pretty thankful. Read more »

If he had known....The bank’s about to ‘fess up to its profits on the “worthless” (or not so worthless?) derivatives it sold to Libya’s former “Brotherly Leader.” Read more »

Goldman Sachs Is Smart

Come to give thanks. Not smart enough to avoid almost certain death without that government lifeline in 2008, but smart enough to realize that said lifeline, coupled with the 1999 banking deregulation that helped lead to the financial crisis of which that almost certain death was a part, gave it (and Morgan Stanley) a tremendously unfair advantage over everyone else vis-à-vis commodities, one that’s still printing money for the bank. Read more »

  • 12 Nov 2014 at 12:46 PM

Goldman Sachs Changes 78 People’s Lives

lloyd-blankfein-and-gary-cohnThe following employees successfully made it through the two-year “cross-ruffing” process and were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach this morning. Be sure to send them a congratulatory message at some point today; right now they’re with HR, receiving instructions on how to operate their newly promoted nether regions, which were dipped in gold just an hour ago and can take some time getting used to. Read more »

lloydblankfeingarycohngoldmansachsAfter two long years of a highly uncomfortable process called “cross-ruffing,” today is the day a small group of Goldman Sachs employees’ lives will be forever altered. In addition to the physical change that will result from the new partner status– their genitals will now a emit a light similar to that of a glowing orb, visible through dress pants– here’s what else the young princes and princesses of West Street can expect:

  • A call from on high.
  • Sandwiches in a conference room.
  • The ability to get anyone you want on the phone without having to resort to groveling.
  • A new expectation– because of the bags of money– that you’ll be available to the firm, which can track your movements via the GPS installed in your golden scrot, at any time.

Read more »