he doesn’t need you he doesn’t need any of you!

  • 02 Jan 2014 at 9:15 AM

Steve Cohen Doesn’t Need Your Pity!

Steven A. Cohen is exiting the hedge-fund stage with a 2013 performance that is ahead of the pack. As the beleaguered hedge fund manager’s SAC Capital Advisors prepares to return outside money and manage only its billionaire founder’s cash beginning next month, it is closing in on a banner year relative to its peers. The firm’s flagship fund is up more than 20% through Dec. 27, a person familiar with its returns confirmed. Just this month, the fund is up approximately 2%, the person said. The median multistrategy hedge fund was up 9% through the end of November, according to the Absolute Return Multistrategy Index. [WSJ]

  • 23 Dec 2011 at 10:53 AM

Phil Falcone Isn’t Finished Here

Let’s role-play for a second. You’re a well-known hedge fund manager who’s had a really, really shitty 18 months. Your investors hate you, because of petty little stuff like 1) you loaned yourself $113 million from a gated fund to pay personal taxes 2) you tied up a good chunk of their money in a walkie-talkie passion project 3) you will only let them leave if they can find a buyer for said passion project on the black market and you both know that’s not happening any time soon. It appears as though you’re somewhat past due on paying property taxes. The deal you’ve bet pretty much everything on may be fucked. Your singing and dancing pig, the one person you thought you could count on and who, even if you lost everything, would still make you feel like a rich man, has started not just considering her options but unapologetically flaunting them in your face. (You didn’t need Wilbur to have her date– a potential new benefactor and the third this week– pick her up just as you were getting home to see them leave and you really could have dealt without hearing him ask “Who’s that guy?” and hearing her cruelly laugh and answer, “Oh him? He’s nobody”?). So when the SEC, which has been investigating what you’ve been up to, offers you a deal to settle by agreeing to be banned from the securities industry, what do you do? Do you say, “You know what, that actually sounds great,” because honestly, what are you holding onto anymore? This way, you can start fresh. Give the double-finger fuck you to everyone and take off? Maybe that’s what you do if you’re you but in this scenario you’re Phil Falcone and you’re not going anywhere. Throw in the towel, his ass. Read more »

As previously discussed, Goldman Sachs MD Richard Kimball is known for throwing great parties. And at the request of his firm for employees to keep a low profile, he’s taken care to keep his bashes, private, whether they’re topless pool parties in the Hamptons or naked themed get-togethers in the elevator. Still, the stiffs in his building at 99 Jane Street decided they were too good for the Kimballer and have not renewed his lease, which ends on Halloween. Luckily, Rick has found a new home, not run by buzz kills. Read more »