If you’re killing time at the office, working on Turkey Day, or are looking for a fun interactive game for the family to play Thursday night after dinner, test your knowledge of Asnessisms with this quiz brought to you by Hedge Fund Intelligence. Or simply appreciate the above rendering of Clifford in his bedroom, by HFI artist Kieron Black. [Hedge Fund Intelligence, related]
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Phil knew that this was more than just a threat. In all the years they’d been living together, he’d never seen her so mad, not even after she’d discovered he’d been hawking her vintage Hermes scarves for cash last summer. No, she’d really had it with him this time. It’d been more than three years since she’d been able hold her annual Christmas party, the social event of the season that people had done unspeakable things to score an invite to in the past and her patience had long since whittled down to that of a toothpick.
If she wasn’t able to throw it the way she liked– Swarovski-encrusted invitations, go-go dancers dressed as Romans flanking the pool room, ice sculptures done in the family’s likeness, individual raw-bars at dinner, a ‘Maids-a-Milking’ themed after hours– then she wasn’t going to throw it at all. Better to make ‘em wait and come back with a vengeance then serve up a watered down, less hot version of what she was capable of. So they’d agreed on a deadline: Christmas 2014. She’d started working on preliminary plans in August and, yet, as of last month, not one penny had been deposited into her ‘Travel and Entertainment’ fund.
She’d sent emails about it marked ‘high importance,’ pestered his secretary, and finally stormed his office earlier in the week, where she found him doing little more than raking sand back and forth on of those desk trays, rather than hustling to get the money together. She exploded then and she exploded this morning, following him to the front door of the townhouse in her robe and shouting in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t come home with the money that night, he needn’t come home at all. And, honestly? As of lunchtime he was trying to figure out if he had any buddies left who’d let him sleep on the couch, just for a night or two until he’d found something more permanent. And then he remembered something. Page 741 of his employment agreement. Not with Harbinger Capital Partners. Not with HC2. Not with LightSquared. But with the Harbinger Group. Read more »
As those of you who keep up with the Life And Times of Steven A. Cohen know, there are few things on this earth that the hedge fund manager despises more than his first bride, Patricia Cohen. So despite the fact that she has been suing him nearly five years; is, in the words of his lawyer Martin Klotz, “harass[ing] and embarrass[ing] Steven,”; and, at this point, wants what represents approximately 1/900000th of his personal wealth, the SAC Capital founder continues to refuse to settle this thing privately and throw her a dime. While merely casual observers of the Big Guy assumed that Patty’s recent victory, wherein she “won permission as part of a 25-year-old divorce battle to question him about any lies he may have told related to wrongdoing at the hedge fund” would’ve gotten him to budge, SAC Scholars know better.
“It’s a bit of a head-scratcher,” said Anthony Sabino, a business law professor at St. John’s University in New York, who has followed the case. “He’s been pilloried in the press. You’d have to think he is sick and tired of that and would like to get out of the spotlight. It’s baffling why he just doesn’t say, ‘Here’s the money, why not leave us alone?’”
For the record, here are a list of things Steve Cohen would rather do than give his ex-wife satisfaction, monetary or otherwise: Read more »
Government May Hear About The Time Steve Cohen Tore Out The ’39’ Tag In His Dress Pants, Had A ’31’ Sewn InBy Bess Levin
Also about how he had “no idea” who might’ve been responsible for sideswiping Tim in accounting’s driver side mirror, despite the fact that he was seen peeling out of the parking lot at the time of the incident. This upcoming bout truthiness brought to you by Cohen’s ex-bride, Patricia C. Read more »
As many of you know, Dan Loeb is something of a pioneer in the activist investing industry. Sure, there were others doing it before him, but he made a name for himself when it came to the art of disemboweling his targets via pen and paper. And while he continues to send various public company CEOs and their boards his trademark letters (all of which include a potent, poetic blend of sarcasm, self-regard, belittling attacks on management competence, and lengthy prescriptions for change), Loeb is not content to sit on his laurels vis-à-vis fucking up the universes of his objects of scorn, or to get left behind in the 20th century of activist investing. In April 2012, he debuted a blog exclusively devoted to his proxy battle against Yahoo– the first of its kind!– and today, he’s unveiled his latest reinvention of the wheel: a short film about Dow Chemical, complete with ominous music that is sure to haunt your dreams and make the Koch brothers proud. The film is a certain finalist for best picture at the Proxies, an annual awards ceremony honoring cinematic achievement in the hedge fund industry. Read more »
Are You Logging Into Online Gambling Sites While The Rest Of Your Family Is Still Sleeping? Hedge Fund Manager Michael Platt Has A Job For YouBy Bess Levin
The co-founder of BlueCrest Capital Management is interested in would-be employees who can be found in no-limit Texas Hold’em games in the early hours of the morning. Read more »
Renaissance CEO Bob Mercer Does Not F*ck Around Re: Razor Burn, Ingrown Hairs, Less Than Close Shaves And The Other Dangers Associated With Dull BladesBy Bess Levin
Despite a purposefully reclusive life, Mercer has gotten attention several times for reasons he would probably prefer to keep private. In July 2013, members of his household staff sued for alleged underpayment of overtime hours and pay “demerits” for things like “failing to change the razor blades in the shaver” or “failing to level pictures,” according to the complaint. The case was settled out of court and is now closed. [NetNet]
If this hedge fund manager thing doesn’t work out, he’s got a plan B. Also a C, which is star in the first season of HGTV’s, Flip or Flop: Billionaire Edition. It’s pretty obvious Ackman could sell the hell out of a 4 bed, 3.5 bath tudor style house featuring a “spacious open concept living/dining/kitchen area, finished basement and luxurious master suite.” Read more »