Have you always wanted to date a man who works on Wall Street but found them to be a difficult subset of human to figure out? Today’s your lucky day. CNBC, for some reason, is running an “article” penned by a professional matchmaker on that very issue. Having “spent the better part of 12 years learning all the their habits, their likes and dislikes when it comes to dating,” Samantha Daniels is eminently qualified to offer the tips you need to summit your Everest. Her how-to-guide includes advice like “keep stories short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short,” “be sexy,” “don’t expect him to be romantic,” “don’t get upset if your plans get scheduled by his assistant,” “don’t work on Wall Street” (“Wall Street men tend to be attracted to women who are in industries other than Wall Street”) and:
Learn a little something about the financial markets and notice if something huge happens on a given day, negative or positive. Things like the fact that Facebook is going public is not just financial news, it’s world news and you don’t want to seem clueless if you completely missed something like that. You don’t have to become an expert but at least if you know something you can participate in a conversation with your guy. Additionally, you need to be prepared that the volatility of the markets might make your guy’s mood unpredictable, especially on a day that his personal portfolio went down dramatically.
Obviously this one here is key but it’s not enough. If you’re serious about hunting big game, if you really want to impress him with the extent to which you’ve got your finger on the pulse, you must also: Continue reading »
From time to time around these parts, we like to offer tips for those looking to successfully make the jump from one firm to another. Obviously a solid record of making money for your employer will help but in addition, or perhaps in lieu of that, nailing the first and last interview is key, and whether you’re a college senior, a third year analyst or a 20 year veteran of the industry, the interview is something with which some people still struggle. While eye contact, handshakes and how to discuss your “worst quality” have all been covered, one topic we haven’t yet discussed is what to do in the event the person conducting your session asks for your thoughts on sex abuse. Specifically, the sex abuse scandal that went down at your respective alma mater. Luckily, career services at Penn State is all over it. Continue reading »
As some of you may know, in the post-crisis world, raising capital can be a tricky business, even for hedge funds with impeccable track records. Even more difficult? Getting people to sign on to fund of funds, whose due diligence processes were called into question following the Madoff scandal. Fortunately, there’s still one guy who knows how to get the job done. His name? Anthony Scaramucci AKA The Mooch, who is the topic of a Bloomberg Markets Magazine profile next month. If you want to raise some real money, whether you’re running a FoF or just need some cash for the weekend, we suggest following his system. A fool-proof system for getting any investors you want to open up their wallets for life. What are we talking about? M.O.O.C.H. It’s a comprehensive approach for the seduction of potential investors that Scaramucci’s been developing for years. And now, he’s sharing it with you. Continue reading »
Does no one know how to “break a bank”? Must he hold your hand through everything? Continue reading »
Who is the greatest Ponzi schemer of our generation? If we’re evaluating on the basis of sheer size, Bernie Madoff is the obvious answer. But as many of you know, size can only get you so far in life- it’s what you do with what you’ve got that matters. And Berns really didn’t do anything all that exciting with his ill-gotten gains. He bought a bunch of homes, yes, but his primary residence faced Lexington and from what we can tell, he didn’t buy anything that interesting with his cash. Same goes for most other scams- funds are spent on cars, maybe some jewelry, maybe some prostitutes, maybe some Teddy Bears. Frankly, from an investor stand point, it’s a little insulting- if you’re going to rip people off, at least do something real with the money. Make a name for yourself. Penetrate a community like never before. Follow in the footsteps of Nevin Shapiro.
Nevin, and you can quote us on this, became the frontrunner for greatest Ponzi schemer of our time when, from a jail cell, he chose to fuck the University of Miami football program raw, not unlike the players who he arranged prostitutes for over an 8 year period. How did he claim such a tittle? What steps should budding Ponzi schemers hoping to make a name for themselves be taking notes on? Continue reading »
Listen up, people. From time to time around these parts we like to offer you How To Guides, to getting your shit done. Most recently we laid out the steps necessary to getting any bonus you want. Those who followed the instructions were more than pleased with their numbers come D-Day. Those who did not were laughed out of the room. Today’s How To is a bit more next level. On the surface it’s about how to run bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing. But as literally anyone can do that, we’re not going to waste our time. Instead, we’ll be showing you how to take a failing bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing and turn that shit around. It’s the difference between not having anyone to answer to when you decide to put a bronze casting of your balls in the lobby and have a giant-sized rendering of said balls replace those of the bull on Wall Street. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started we’re going to offer a bunch of tips we’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:
1. How to handle the succession plan with the current (and outgoing CEO): As you may or may not even be employed by the firm you’re about to take over, the fact that you’re naming yourself head honcho may come as a shock. Deal with it thusly: walk into his office, inform him you’ve acquired 51% of the company and that as such, “I’m fucking in, and you’re fucking out. Now get the fuck out of my chair.” Continue reading »
If you’ve been closely following the government’s Insider Trading Fest(ivus) 2010/2011 you know that one thing that’s emerged is a detailed guide to how one should go about destroyed evidence of securities violations that a jury would not look upon kindly. Garrett Bauer spoke to us at length about the benefits of washing versus burning dirty money while Donald Longueuil, the foremost expert on the matter, provided a step-by-step guide to getting rid of incriminating USB drives (you’ll need: two pairs of pliers, four plastic baggies, one North Face fleece). Yesterday, an (alleged) accomplice of (accused) insider trader/former Galleon employee Zvi Goffer added a chapter on getting rid of a cell phone that could cause trouble. Continue reading »
