How To Guides

Lions Gate Entertainment presents a how-to guide to eBay and anyone else engaged with the aged corporate raider: Keep exactly as many generously-termed convertible bonds around to hand off to a “friendly shareholder” in your hour of greatest need and any unwanted attentions can be vanquished. Sure, you might have to pony up a few million dollars and accept a slap on the wrist if anyone should find out, but you’ll get to keep your company. Read more »

As you have probably heard by now, late last week Pimco co-founder Bill Gross made an inadvisable call to Reuters, the details of which can be found here. In short, Gross was responding to a Journal article that highlighted tension around the office that likely contributed to CEO Mohamed El-Erian choosing to depart his post; things like Gross’s insistence on absolute silence on the trading floor, letting it be known that employees are not to look him in the eye, slashing people’s bonuses for forgetting to number presentation pages, telling someone to cut him a check for $10,000 to make up for failing to stand when clients were in the office, and uttering the words “If only Mohamed would let me, I could run all the $2 trillion myself…I’m Secretariat…Why would you bet on anyone other than Secretariat?” while holding court with a bunch of traders.

Perhaps in a somewhat misguided attempt to get his side of the story out to the press, Gross told Reuters that the Journal article, written by Greg Zuckerman and Kirsten Grind, had actually been authored by El-Erian, as part of a campaign to “undermine me,” “indicated that he had been monitoring El-Erian’s phone calls,” and when it became apparent that the news outlet was not simply going to run a story vindicating Gross without any kind of supporting evidence that El-Erian had indeed ghost-written the Journal story, “You’re on his side. Great, he’s got you, too, wrapped around his charming right finger.” (According to a spokesman for Pimco, “Gross…categorically denies saying this firm ever listened in on Mr. El-Erian’s phone calls or that Mr. El-Erian ‘wrote’ any previous media article.”)

So! Probably kind of an awkward day to be working out of the Newport Beach office. For employees who live in fear of saying the wrong thing– or saying anything, period– in front of Gross in good times, anxiety is likely running high. For them, some tips re: how to make it out alive in the coming weeks with your body parts and bonuses intact: Read more »

Whether your destination is a minimum-security white-collar resort or federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, you are going to need to get used to life without dwarf-tossing or three-ways with underage girls or taser games and $15,000 umbrella stands. This Goldman Sachs alum can help. Read more »

  • 03 Dec 2013 at 1:26 PM

How To Be More Like Goldman Sachs, Part Four

Kicking off this week, ignore history and gamble that Chinese companies will grow—but that their favorite metallic addiction will get cheaper, anyway. Read more »

  • 27 Nov 2013 at 2:22 PM

Goldman Sachs: Mind The Loonie

Part three in a series of magnanimous gestures in which Goldman Sachs tries to teach you dullards how to trade like Goldman Sachs. Today’s installment: Canadian Thanksgiving was weeks ago, so fuck those guys. Read more »

You can have a net worth that ends in nine zeros or you can relieve yourself to your heart’s content. Your call. Read more »

Skyrocketing prices be damned: Retired hedge fund manager/full-time buyer of and pontificater on art Howard Rachofsky says there’s never been a better time to buy a few canvases, provided you’ve already got places on land, at sea and in the air, have a desire to show up your friends and aren’t interested in the stuff that other people are interested in. Read more »