Bloomberg Markets magazine has a long profile on SAC Capital today, and the grand poobah who runs the place, Stevie C. For those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of working for the king, here’s a bit of a primer.
* For the serious neophytes, who should be ashamed of themselves for not knowing the big man’s likes and dislikes: “He doesn’t like noise, so the phones on the floor don’t ring; they light up.” Make one move, one audible squeak that disturbs him, be it a hiccup or moan of ecstasy at the hand of a whiteboard marker and you’re out of there.
* Don’t forget your fleece (“Cohen maintains the temperature on the trading floor at 69 degrees Fahrenheit (21 degrees Celsius) to make sure no one dozes”) though in all seriousness, I’d slay a newborn if one of you would offer yourselves up as a test to see what exactly would happen were you caught sleeping on the floor during the course of a trading day. For extra points, make your snoring audible about 15 minutes from the close, and once he approaches your desk, open your eyes like he just woke you up and go “I’m tired baby what are you doing?” then roll over and close your eyes again. Oh, someone please do this. Berkowitz, I know you don’t sit on the floor, but please, take one for the team.
* If you don’t know your shit, you are gonna get called out. Simple as that: “If a portfolio manager or analyst can’t answer a question about a stock, Cohen is likely to lash out. ‘Do you even know how to do this f—ing job?’ is a standard barb, current and former employees say.” I see nothing wrong with this.***
* And guess what, fucksticks? You’re not the only ones who will get the horns if you mess with this bull. Remember this? What the short clip didn’t include was what happened later in the show: “Cohen…spars with a man in a muscle shirt in the audience after admitting he slept with his ex-wife while courting Alexandra.”
* Okay, but enough about how you’re going to get your ass stomped inside out for being an idiot or audibly breathing, which you’ll have probably deserved. Working at SAC can be really fun too. Like a Saturday night at the Laugh Factory: “The boss has a sense of humor that’s dry, along the lines of Jerry Seinfeld, former employees say. In September 2008, before Lehman’s bankruptcy, Cohen sent a companywide e-mail: It’s all up to the government now. I have no idea what will happen. Good luck to you all. This is a recording.” (Also: the “Steve-isms.” Oh that you should one day have the “Steve-isms” in your life.)
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If you’re planning to screw someone out of a $1 million with a harebrained idea to buy cattle in Mexico and re-sell them in the U.S. at a higher price, the last person you want to mess with is Jack Bauer.
