Do you own a computer, but not the internet? Do you have access to the internet, but uninstalled Google? Do you appreciate the ratings of Yelp, Zagat and Michelin, but wish you could find out what an anonymous investment banking managing director thinks of your dinner options for tonight? Read more »
interns
Area Banker Gives The Great Burrito 4.5/10, Only To Be Returned To In Moment Of Desperation
By Bess LevinFood Eating Challenge Of The Day: “It’s Not Clear What’s Going On In His Mind And Body”
By Bess Levin
As you all are well aware, from time to time we cover food eating challenges around these parts. We don’t chronicle all the feats of gastrointestinal fortitude that come our way, though, because while we love you all, not all of your FECs constitute what we’d consider an actual challenge worth covering. As previously discussed, our high bar has everything to do with the first contest we ever wrote about (as a postmortem), which involved a man named Oyster Boy, who consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses, throwing down the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-à-vis goring yourself for sport. Do we really expect anyone to match OB in magnitude or strength of stomach lining? No, we do not. Having said that, “challenges” such as eating 8 vending machine items in 12 hours (or in an unlimited amount of time!) are not going to cut it. It’s not an exact science but we look for FECs that are imaginative, topical, and/or represent a high degree of difficulty. (And while we wouldn’t actually advise it, live streaming the whole thing would make our day.) Which brings us to this afternoon’s challenge. Read more »
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Love
JPMorgan Analyst Strangely Impervious To Married Ex-Boyfriend / Colleague’s Romantic Gestures
By Bess Levin
Time was, Daniela Rausnitz and David Gray had something special. Following a summer of flirtation across cubicles- Daniela was an intern at JPMorgan, David a “high-flying” third year analyst- the two got together after Daniela graduated from Duke and their relationship was “cemented” when David consoled her over being “sexually harassed by a senior member of the bank.” Things were said to have gotten so serious that David, a Cornell ’04 graduate, even entertained the idea of leaving his wife. Unfortunately, things hit a rough patch after Daniela transferred to JPMorgan’s London office and Big D began “stifling” her. Consequently, Daniela decided to pump the brakes and end things. Still Married David, however, knew better. These two, Daniela and Dave, were meant to be together. Meant for each other. So he did what any other romantic in his shoes would do, and waged a campaign to get her back. Said campaign included the following moves:
* Sending her 176 text messages and 23 emails over just 16 hours
* Using his old key to get into her apartment
* Claiming “he was critically ill in a desperate effort to attract her attention.”
* Hacking her email
* Planting “a tracking device in her phone”
At this point, there’s a chance Gray stepped back and asked himself, “Is it possible I’m coming on too strong”? A silly question, obviously, as he already knew the answer, which was: “No, no strong enough.” So he doubled down on Operation You’re The One For Me. Read more »
Elite model Xenia Tchoumitcheva is apparently a summer intern at JPMorgan in the graduate program for sales and trading…Apparently this isn’t her first finance internship. She previously interned at Merrill Lynch and the London hedgefund Duet Group, according to her website. She is also spokesmodel for Audi, Burger King, Visilab Sunglasses, and Casino Lugano according to her web site. Tchoumitcheva graduated with a degree in economics. She speaks five different languages. She was also 1st runner up in Miss Switzerland in 2006. [NetNet via BI] Read more »
Short version: va fangool. Longer version: Read more »
Here’s one: how many times have you watched Charlie Gasparino break a story and wonder to yourself, “How does this guy do it? Where does he get these stories? Who are his sources? How does he get them to crack?” Whether it’s the Goldman prop situation, Jimmy Cayne’s uromysitisis condition or Dick Fuld’s inability to post bail after getting arrested for going ape-shit on a CostoCo employee, Gaspo’s always got it. Is it that Chaz:
a) Has put in quality time with this broad, who knows all?
b) Leaves threatening voicemails on people’s machines, suggesting if he doesn’t get the story, he’ll break off their cojones and boil them in motor oil, which typically motivates them to give him the dirt?
c) Tails Andrew Ross Sorkin to his source meetings, waits for him outside and proceeds to rub a chloroform soaked rag on ARS’s face, steal his notes and make a mad dash for Elaine’s, where no one will ask questions?
d) Has an army of San Pietro bus boys on payroll who report back anything they heard from the movers and shakers dining at the restaurant after their shift?
e) Has realized that it’s the interns in every organization who hold the secrets, and to that end has endeared himself to the ones at the major banks by taking them out for drinks at Tropix, his favorite joint in Rego Park, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking?
This morning, Charlie revealed the answer. Read more »
I don’t know how many of you are currently looking for new jobs and suffering through the painful process of figuring out what to say in your cover letter but if I may offer a suggestion– take a page from one ambitious li’l college kid’s playabook. He knew he wanted to work at Goldman Sachs and rather than temper his deep burning desire he shouted it LOUD AND PROUD. He wants to live and bleed Goldman Sachs and he doesn’t care who knows it! He’s not afraid to say, “Lloyd I will lay down in the road for you. I will kill a man in cold blood for you. I will do whatever it takes to get in at Goldman Sachs– no questions asked– UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING.” Even as he writes this letter he’s getting calls and text messages from people asking what stocks he puts his money in today and where they should put it tomorrow– he’s got the street cred and the seed capital to start his own shop over summer break but he’s not gonna cause he wants to do it for you Lloyd! For both of you.
Bank of America interns are apparently being paid by the hour this year (as they were last), though this time it’s based on a 65 hour week, up from last summer’s 40. Not sure if this is punishment for not being able to eat a measly four egg McMuffins in under fifty minutes, but the seasonal employees were informed of the additional fifteen after their arrival, and the monumental failure took place maybe only a couple days in, so it certainly seems plausible. The 65 hour week is for investment banking interns; those in capital markets start collecting overtime after 55.
It’s almost summer and you know what that means—DealBreaker is looking for one or two lucky individuals to be our interns and, if you play your cards right, it might just be you. Basically, it boils down to willingness for, nay a passion to excel at, picking up Carney’s dry cleaning. Are you man enough for the job? If not, please seek alternative employment via the DB Career Center. For those of you up to the task, read on.
Columbia Spectator Editor: How are we going to top the Times’ story about the UPENN kids who lost the jobs Bear promised they could have before, you know.
Columbia Spectator Staff Writer: Hmm…I mean, there’ve got to be some Columbia kids in the same situation, no? I could interview a bunch of them?
CS E: It’s poss…tell me more.
CS SW: Well my roommate’s friend had his offer from Bear taken back and now he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to afford to live in Murray Hill this summer…there’s a chance his parents might pay his rent, but there’s also a chance they might make him move home, which I think is sort of crazy, and would make for a good story, no?
CS E: Well, it’s worse than the Penn girl who’ll merely have to be subsidized by mom and dad for a spell, that’s for sure, but we can do better.
CS SW: Yeah.
CS E: There’s go to be more pain. More heartbreak. Ya dig?
CS SW: Yeah.
CS E: We need to give voice to those who cannot speak.
CS SW: I know. But I’ve got nothing.
CS E: Same…damn, this is harder than I thought it’d be.
CS SW: You’re telling me.
[They stare at each other in silence for 5 minutes]
CS E: Oh, oh wait, here it is, here comes the money shot—I just got an email about a girl who got the bad news about Bear WHILE ON SPRING BREAK. And get this—she didn’t line up another job at a hedge fund for almost a month after that.
CS SW: God, that is perfect.
CS E: More where that came from, coming at ya. Some chick from the class of ’10—are you sitting down? Are you ready for this? Do you have a paper bag to blow into, because you’re going to need oxygen in a second—got her Bear internship taken away.
CS SW: NO.
CS E: YES.
CS SW: Then what happened?
CS E: She got one with JPMorgan.
CS SW: Christ, that was touch and go for a while.
CS E: I know.
CS SW: You see? This is why they pay you the big bucks.
Bear Stearns Crash Leaves Students in Employment Crunch [Columbia Spectator]
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