is this real life?

Time was, the unofficial policy at (the hedge fund formerly known as) SAC Capital was that one could earn a pretty penny come bonus season if one made the firm a ton of money, and if that money happened to be made through material non-public information well…whatyougonnado? At SAC Capital 2.0 AKA Point72 Asset Management, however, insider trading is not only frowned upon, it’s both officially and unofficially a bad idea and one that could cost you big time on payday (though one would obviously be fired before that, unless payday is the day they get caught).

But just because the company handbook has been rewritten, or Steve Cohen has held a town hall where the words “If we catch you insider trading, I’ll stick my hand down your throat and rip out your spleen” have exited his mouth, or the hedge fund’s propriety trading software has been rewired so that a cartoon Cohen pops up on the screen and says “Remember, I can make it look like an accident” before any trades are placed, doesn’t mean that people can change their ways in a day. Old habits die hard, particularly at a place where those old habits could score you 8 figures a year.

Which is presumably why* someone at Point72 came up with this: Read more »

  • 14 Mar 2014 at 4:11 PM

UBS Tried, And Failed, To Rig Hong Kong Interest Rate

…which elicited an utterly delightful response from the bank that sounds a lot like something the parents of a juvenile delinquent would say if it came out that their kid tried to burn down a building but was too high to light the match. Read more »

Which apparently wasn’t enough. Read more »

4:00-4:05 Either people who have never taken part in a conference call are participating today and pressing buttons on their phone every five seconds or someone is thrusting someone else up against their office phone over and over and over again.
4:06 Gundlach is offering $1 million for information leading to the return of each stolen piece of the Mondrian and $500,000 for the Jasper Johns and Joseph Cornell pieces. $200,00 for information in general still stands.
4:07 Buttons are still being pressed, now sirens in the background. Shouts of “what the fuck is going on here” are heard.
4:08 Talking Heads’ “This Must Be The Place” is now playing (over the sirens).
4:10 Someone is still tapping their pound key and while no one officially ends the call, Gundlach/whoever is running this seem to have lost interest and leave without saying good-bye. Read more »

In a pinch, Steve Cohen has made himself a few zip-up fleece jackets with only a travel sewing kit and some Silly Putty at his disposal. Alone in the woods and miles from home, Ray Dalio has been known to fashion slingshots out of the remains of wildebeests. Having blown through all his 100-count packs already and in a race against the clock, George Soros has constructed condoms out of strips of bacon; old tea bags; and British pounds. According to Dealbook, however, today they must all bow down to the master. Read more »