Jamie Dimon

  • jamiedimonvanityfair

    News

    Jamie Dimon (Sort Of) Returns Tom Brady’s Favor

    Back in October, the most wonderful aspect of the JPMorgan Whale Tale emerged in the pages of Vanity Fair: the day Vice-Chairman Jimmy Lee barricaded himself in his office determined to come up with a way to help Jamie Dimon, and after hours of thinking real hard, summoned his six secretaries and told them they had a job to do, which was getting Tom Brady on the horn so he could deliver a pep talk sure to cheer up the boss. Was the call kind of awkward, considering the two had never spoken and Brady’s lack of useful investment ideas likely meant his big speech involved not much more than  “Even Super Bowl champion quarterbacks have bad days” and “Keep your chin up out there?” Probably. And yet some sort of bond was clearly forged, which would explain why Dimon felt compelled to throw Brady this bone:

    / Jan 22, 2013 at 4:41 PM
  • whale diagram

    Banks

    JPMorgan Dissects A Whale Carcass

    How should one read JPMorgan’s Whale Report? I suppose “not” is an acceptable answer; the Whale’s credit derivatives losses at JPMorgan’s Chief Investment Office are old news by now, though perhaps his bones point us to the future. One way to read it is as a depressing story about measurement. There were some people and […]

    / Jan 16, 2013 at 1:41 PM
  • Okay let's make that ... rock wall ... thing ... taller.

    News

    Regulators Close Aquarium Door Behind Escaped Whale

    Once upon a time there was a whale, and he had a synthetic credit portfolio, and one day he did terrible terrible things with that synthetic credit portfolio, and the next day he woke up and realized he had lost $5.8 billion, and he was sad. The question for you is: was that a disaster? […]

    / Jan 14, 2013 at 6:33 PM
  • jamiedimon

    News

    This Is America, Last Time Jamie Dimon Checked

    Jamie Dimon, the CEO of the country’s largest bank by assets, says that regulating Wall Street pay could put us on the road to communism. “We all want an equitable society. We need to have a conversation about what makes it equitable,” the JPMorgan Chase CEO said at The New York Times DealBook conference on […]

    / Dec 13, 2012 at 5:43 PM
  • jamie-dimon

    News

    Jamie Dimon Suggests The Government Stop Twiddling Its Thumbs On This Fiscal Cliff Business And Start Moving Its Asses

    “We are one decision away from restoring our fiscal and moral authority from around the world,” Dimon said today. “Let’s just do it.” [Dealbook]

    / Dec 12, 2012 at 4:56 PM
  • mariannalake

    News

    New JPMorgan CFO Is A Female Jamie Dimon, Says Person

    J.P. Morgan named finance executive Marianne Lake to succeed Douglas Braunstein as chief financial officer of the largest U.S. bank. The appointment makes Ms. Lake one of the most powerful women on Wall Street as the New York company shuffles its leadership and recovers from a massive trading loss. The 43-year-old Ms. Lake currently is […]

    / Nov 19, 2012 at 5:51 PM
  • Who could demote THAT FACE?

    Banks, News

    JPMorgan CFO Handsome

    JPMorgan did its third-quarter earnings call this morning, and even though the London Whale was a pretty minor presence on the call I was still going to throw up a picture of a whale here because (1) why stoke Jamie’s ego further and (2) who doesn’t like whales, but then the operator asked for closing […]

    / Oct 12, 2012 at 11:18 AM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Is Still Waiting For His Thank You For Buying Bear

    JPMorgan Chase Chief Executive Jamie Dimon said his company has lost up to $10 billion as a result of the government asking him to buy teetering Wall Street firm Bear Stearns during the financial crisis. “Someone said the Fed did us a favor to finance some of this or something like that. No no no. […]

    / Oct 10, 2012 at 3:52 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan’s Security Team Almost Didn’t Let This Happen

    Dimon recalls that when he e-mailed his senior executives, back in 2010, first proposing the JPMorgan Chase bus tour, which is designed to demonstrate to clients, employees, and important people around the country that the bank is a force for good in the world. But, as in almost everything related to JPMorgan, Dimon prevailed. “That’s […]

    / Oct 4, 2012 at 6:09 PM
  • News

    On One of The Worst Days Of WhaleGate For Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s Vice-Chairman Thought It Would Make Him Feel Better To Hear From Another Guy Who’s Sort Of But Not Really Been There

    As you may have heard, Summer 2012 was not the best of times for JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon. On May 10, after having said that a Bloomberg story about one of its London traders making very large, very worrisome bets was but “a tempest in a teapot,” the bank announced that said trader had lost approximately $2 billion. On May 11, it was suggested that Dimon’s title of most loved-banker on Wall Street was up for grabs. On June 19, Dimon was forced to testify on Capitol Hill. In July 13, JPMorgan was forced to revise the $2 billion loss to $6 billion. Associates who surrounded Dimon during these days said that the stress was visibly wearing on him, and that it was arguably one of the worst periods of his career. And while senior executives logged long hours and gave up weekends and holidays to help deal with the fallout, gathering documents and unwinding trades and trying to manage the crisis, only one busted his ass to actually give Jamie Dimon what he needed: Jimmy Lee.

    After spending much of July 13 again explaining the trading loss to the media and to research analysts—including making the stunning admission that the traders in London may have intentionally mismarked the trades to make them look less egregious, a potential illegality that the Justice Department is still investigating—the exhausted Dimon got an unexpected call from Tom Brady, the star quarterback of the New England Patriots. (Jimmy Lee, a legendary sports fan, had arranged for it.) Brady reminded Dimon that even Super Bowl champs have bad days and told him “to hang in there.”

    And after thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about it some more, snapped his finger and said, “I’ve got it- we need to get Tom Brady on the line.” And then gathered his five secretaries in his office and told them to clear his and their schedules because they needed to get this deal done by the end of the day. And when he finally got Brady on the line, assured him that the call would be welcome and that it wouldn’t be awkward* or seem out of left field. “Just tell him he’s got this. Tell him that if banking or football were easy everyone would be doing it. Tell him that even on your worst day, you still get to go home and bang that little Brazilian of yours. No, wait, scratch that. Tell him you can’t generate profits and be responsible for the losses at the same time. Tell him, ‘Keep your chin, up, kid.’ Tell him you’re down by 7, you just took a huge sack, Gronkowski’s got a broken leg and you’re not wearing a cup. But there’s still time left on that clock, Jamie D. And as long as there’s time left on that clock, you’re going to score a mother fucking touchdown. Tell him, ‘Go get ‘em, Tiger.’ You still there, pal?”

    Jamie Dimon On The Line [VF]

    / Oct 4, 2012 at 2:10 PM
  • Newsflash People

    Jamie Dimon Shook Up JPMorgan Management Post-CIO Loss Because He God Damn Well Felt Like It, Will Support The Asinine Reforms Threatening To Destroy America On A Dark Day In Hell

    Jamie Dimon, the outspoken chief executive of JPMorgan Chase, sat down on Tuesday for what banking analysts called a “fireside chat” during the Barclays 2012 Global Financial Services Conference. Known for his hands-on management style and confident swagger, Mr. Dimon has been navigating the fallout from a rare misstep in his career after JPMorgan announced […]

    / Sep 12, 2012 at 11:50 AM
  • News

    Bloomberg: Not One Bank CEO Can Fill Jamie Dimon’s Shoes, Especially Not That Guy From Australia Who Doesn’t Own An Iron

    Earlier today, Bloomberg ran a lengthy piece about the latest crisis on Wall Street: a lack of Jamie Dimon. Specifically, a lack of Jamie Dimon telling meddlesome regulators, anti-industry populists, know-nothing Congressmen, and hypocrite bastard newspapers where they can go and what they can suck. True, it’s not as though he’s gone anywhere, and he’s still reminding people “it’s a free fucking country” but “juggling multiple investigations and a $5.8 billion trading loss on wrong-way bets on credit derivatives” has left his hands a little tied and, some believe, cost him his once untouchable “stature” in the industry.

    And while one should never simply offer problems without solutions, Bloomberg isn’t gonna sugarcoat this one: when it comes to “any kind of credible statesmen” to step in for JD, Wall Street is shit out of luck and not just because no one besides Lloyd came close in sales of their respective Bankers At Work And Play pin-up calendars. Among current CEO’s, Lloyd Blankfein, Brian Moynihan and Vikram Pandit are deemed too busy “fixing their own firms or repairing their reputations,” while Wells Fargo chief John Stumpf, though respected among his peers, is ruled out due to geography (“Part of Jamie’s fitting into that role was his natural brashness as a Wall Streeter and New Yorker, and that is not John”).

    But hey, what about that James Gorman guy? Runs Morgan Stanley, is based in New York, has been known to put a foot up an ass when necessary? Don’t even get Bloomberg started.

    James Gorman, 54…doesn’t fit the Wall Street titan stereotype. The Australian prefers a rumpled tuxedo he bought as a business school student in 1980 to Armani for black- tie events, and he stocks Vegemite in the executive kitchen.

    Or maybe perhaps all that makes him perfect for the gig? The way we see it, Jim Gorman doesn’t have the time or patience for fancy extras like unwrinkled suits and burgers made from foie gras-fed cows. All he cares about is not taking shit, or prisoners. Someone asks him, “What is this Vegemite stuff,” he knocks their two front teeth out. You suggest maybe he could have ironed his shirt before that gala, he takes out that iron and smashes you in the face with it. You want a worthy successor for the job, you’ve got him.

    Wall Street Leaderless In Rules Fight As Dimon Diminished [Bloomberg]

    / Aug 21, 2012 at 4:32 PM
  • News

    Caption Contest Thursday

    “Swung by @JPmorganchase and got to see where all the action takes place.“ [Meghan Musnicki]

    / Aug 16, 2012 at 1:24 PM
  • News

    If You Work At JPMorgan And Are Thinking About Losing A Few Billion, Take Note

    “And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead,” Jamie Dimon recently told a bunch of school children. “The Whale has been harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated…I am going to bury its ashes all over.” [NYM]

    / Aug 13, 2012 at 3:39 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Still Reaping What Whale Boy Hath Sown

    JPMorgan can’t outrun the ripples from its multibillion-dollar “London Whale” trading blunder. The largest U.S. bank admitted Thursday in a federal filing that it pushed back a plan to resume share buybacks, scaled back several key measures of capital at the request of regulators and lost money on 28 trading days in the second quarter. […]

    / Aug 9, 2012 at 6:25 PM
  • News

    4 Percent Of Americans Think Jamie Dimon Is Prepping His Bike To Jump The 526 Feet Between The Top Of JPMorgan Headquarters And The Roof Of The Old Bear Stearns Building

    In spite of JPMorgan Chase’s well-publicized loss of more than $5 billion, just 14 percent of Americans polled correctly identified C.E.O. Jamie Dimon as a New York banker. Sixty-six percent say they don’t know who he is, while 9 percent believe he’s a Texas congressman, 7 percent think he’s an X Games skateboarder, and just […]

    / Jul 30, 2012 at 10:47 AM
  • News

    Whaledemort’s Soul, Portfolio Broken Up And Hidden In JPMorgan Investment Bank

    Who wins the call-the-Whale-close? The headline number is a $4.4 billion loss this quarter but that is lower than it could have been because those losses propagated backwards through time: JPMorgan Chase & Co. (NYSE: JPM) today reported that it will restate its previously-filed interim financial statements for the first quarter of 2012. The restatement […]

    / Jul 13, 2012 at 8:38 AM
  • News

    A Company Is In The Hole For $182 Billion, Hank Greenberg Can See The Merit In A Congressional Hearing But $2-9BN? Beat It

    “Many companies have transactions that go bad,” Greenberg said today on “In the Loop With Betty Liu” on Bloomberg Television. “Everybody’s not paraded down to Washington to testify.” “He handled it OK,” Greenberg said of Dimon, 56. “It was really outrageous to have the CEO come down and testify before Congress because of a transaction […]

    / Jul 9, 2012 at 6:39 PM
  • News

    If One More Person Gives Jamie Dimon Shit About The London Whale Leon Cooperman Is Just Gonna Snap

    JPMorgan disclosed on May 10 that it had a $2 billion trading loss because of riskier-than-expected credit securities. Omega sold about two-thirds of its position the next day, taking a loss: The shares tumbled 9 percent on May 11, closing at $36.96. They traded at $36.78 yesterday. At Omega’s staff meeting in May, one of […]

    / Jun 28, 2012 at 4:59 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Expanding Risk Team After You Know Who Ruined Things For The Whole Class

    J.P. Morgan has added at least five new employees over the past month to the risk department in its Chief Investment Office, the unit responsible for trading losses that may have climbed to $9 billion, according to people familiar with the matter. The bank is expanding the risk unit as it responds to the trading […]

    / Jun 28, 2012 at 1:09 PM
  • Come at me, Maxine.

    News

    Jamie Dimon Chats About Managing Duration Risk With Friendly Congressman

    The House’s ping-ponging alternation of smacking and caressing Jamie Dimon today got pretty boring but I was struck by one number that Dimon mentioned, perhaps because it was about the only number that he mentioned. One Republican, with somewhat unclear intent,* suggested that the biggest risk to JPMorgan is that interest rates go up and […]

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 3:22 PM
  • JPMorgan Flogging

    Representative Carolyn Maloney: Why Didn’t You Lose Billions Of Dollars In New York? What’s London Got That We Don’t?

    “Mr. Dimon, I thought you loved New York. Why did all this activity take place in London?”

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 12:18 PM
  • JPMorgan Flogging

    So What You’re Saying Is…It’s Possible

    Congressman: “Mr. Dimon, is it possible that JPMorgan could lose $2 trillion?”

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 12:15 PM
  • News

    Meredith Whitney Not Worried About Jamie Dimon’s Ability To Handle House Financial Services Committee, Unlike Some Chief Executives She Knows

    As you may have heard, later today Jamie Dimon will once again testify on Capitol re: a certain whale’s multi-billion dollar losses. Unlike last week’s hearing, conducted by the relatively reasonable Senate Banking Committee, this time Dimon will face questions and screeching from the relatively bat-shit House Financial Services Committee, a group of people we hope will not hold back. Yet despite the HFSC’s history of making witnesses look good, not matter how egregious their offense, by conducting inquiries in a manner that would suggest recreational bath salts abuse by the Congressmen and women, Bloomberg’s Tom Keene expressed worry earlier this morning about Dimon’s ability to navigate the hearing.  Would today be “tougher” for the JPM chief, Keene asked Bloomberg TV Surveillance guest Meredith Whitney? According to the analyst, Dimon be more than fine and while we’re on the subject, not that you asked, she can think of another bank CEO who’d crack under Congressional questioning on account of the fact that he doesn’t have eyes you could get lost in.

    So, 1. How dare you, lady? Lloyd’s impish smile and comedic timing don’t do it for you? And 2. We thought these kind of blows were reserved for Vikram.

    Banking Industry Must Reinvent Itself, Says Whitney [Bloomberg TV]
    Related: Meredith Whitney Cannot Stress Enough How Little She Thinks Of Citigroup

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 11:32 AM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon To Be Asked Why He Was Running JPMorgan Like SeaWorld, Hopefully

    If we’re being totally honest, while it had its moments, last week’s Jamie Dimon Congressional hearing to discuss Whale Boy was a bit of a letdown, theatrically-speaking. This was probably due in large part to the fact that it was conducted by the Senate Banking Committee, and the Senate typically comes off intelligent and reasonable compared to the House,* and proceeded accordingly. As we surely don’t have to tell you, this is not the kind of hearing we are interested in.

    We are interested in hearings that involve Congressmen and women screaming “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN PROSECUTED YET!!!” at financial services employees and accusing them of dressing up as Girl Scouts in order to deceive the public. We are interested in hearings that involve the use of the term “smart-alecks.” We are interested in hearings that involve subjects being told to be more like Magic Johnson. We are interested in hearings that involve subjects who’ve never worked for Goldman Sachs being grilled until they break about working at Goldman Sachs. We are interested in hearings that involve bath salts, or the suggestion that the people conducting it have taken a bunch of them and at any moment might leap across the dais to eat the witness’s face off. Fortunately, we might get the chance for all that and more tomorrow, when Dimon makes another trip down to D.C. to appear before the House Financial Services Committee to talk whales.

    In House Testimony, Dimon Sticks To Script [Dealbook]

    *Make no mistake, most of them fell short of becoming Rhodes Scholar Quarterfinalists, but we’re speaking in relative terms here.

    / Jun 18, 2012 at 5:07 PM
  • News

    So This Is Jim Cramer Talking About Jamie Dimon’s Capitol Hill Appearance

    “He didn’t win. He’s a loser. How? You lose when you go in front of Congress and you lose when you go out. Anyone that declares him a winner is wrong…He walked in a loser. Testified. Walked out a loser. And by the way, he agrees with me. He knows he’s a loser with no control and doesn’t even know what happened in his own bank…A loser. Crisis PR is psychiatry. You go in there as a guy who is stupid, you don’t come out being smarter. You don’t. You come out just as stupid…He’s a loser…This is not Michael Corleone with Frank Pentangeli in the back of the room. This is not Nevada gaming licenses…He’s a loser. It’s okay, man. He’s a loser. Maybe next year he’ll be a winner but he is a loser. Okay.”

    / Jun 13, 2012 at 5:39 PM
  • JPMorgan Flogging

    Jamie Dimon: “We Are All Blessed To Have The American Financial System”

    “It is be the best in the world.” We should give thanks and “stop shooting each other.”

    / Jun 13, 2012 at 11:15 AM
  • JPMorgan Flogging

    Is It Polish Craps? Is It Ukrainian Blackjack?

    Senator Bob Menendez: I listen to this [hearing] and I paraphrase Shakespeare when I ask, a hedge or not a hedge, that is the question. Jamie Dimon: [staring]

    / Jun 13, 2012 at 11:12 AM

Our Sites

  • Above the Law
  • How Appealing
  • ATL Redline
  • Breaking Defense
  • Breaking Energy
  • Breaking Gov
  • Dealbreaker
  • Fashonista
  •