Jamie Dimon

  • News

    Brian Moynihan Has Total Confidence In Jamie Dimon

    He’s got this.

    JPMorgan Chase Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon has the experience needed to manage the fallout from trading losses, and market disruptions haven’t been serious, Bank of America CEO Brian T. Moynihan said today. Trading didn’t freeze and markets behaved “reasonably well” given the circumstances after Dimon disclosed at least $2 billion in trading losses at JPMorgan’s chief investment office, Moynihan said today at a Manhattan investor conference. Dimon has shown he’s got the skills to handle the affair, said Moynihan, whose Charlotte, North Carolina-based bank ranks second by assets behind New York-based JPMorgan.

    [Bloomberg]

    / May 21, 2012 at 5:57 PM
  • News

    Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

    The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon’s professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon’s life, a JPMorgan trader’s multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: “America’s Least Hated Banker”) to defend. While it’s unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon’s judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale’s bosses, and The Whale’s bosses’ bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD’s halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered.

    Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said.

    “When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open…Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away.

    So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as “the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating”). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He’s going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon. Next, it’s time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore “surprises.” Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JMPorgan Outdoor Club is officially disband. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He’s going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.)

    Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]

    / May 21, 2012 at 1:37 PM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon: JPMorgan’s Balance Sheet Still Fortress-Esque

    “We maintain a fortress balance sheet to manage surprises and setbacks like this,” Dimon said today. “I’m confident when we’re done here we’ll be a stronger company.” [Bloomberg, earlier]

    / May 15, 2012 at 4:23 PM
  • News

    Lloyd Blankfein Finally Gets To Be The Prettiest Girl At The Ball

    Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America’s “Least Hated Banker,” for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn’t go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn’t actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another’s misfortune, especially that of a friend, he’s obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, “only one Wall Street CEO’s balls can be in a vise at a time,” and right now it’s JD’s turn.

    Dimon did not attend the annual Robin Hood Foundation party [last night], but Blankfein was there, enjoying a rare night out of the spotlight. He shook hands, introduced his wife and, grinning broadly, posed for pictures. For months, Goldman Sachs has been portrayed as the callous Wall Street behemoth whose executives collected giant bonuses while America’s housing crisis worsened and unemployment rose. But Monday night was different. “No one cares about Lloyd tonight. It is Jamie against the world, and that’s got to feel good for Lloyd,” another hedge fund manager said.

    And this is just the beginning. First, they stop calling you Satan and claiming you poisoned their food, next glowing profiles and cover stories devoting major column inches to your rippling biceps and the throngs of women you beat off with a stick.

    Dimon Pushes Blankfein Off Hot Seat At Charity Gala [Reuters]
    Robin Hood Scene: Blankfein, Soros, Rihanna [Bloomberg/Photo]

    / May 15, 2012 at 4:16 PM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Might Clawback Whale Team’s Bonuses Or He Might Not

    Dimon was approached by reporters after the [shareholder] meeting and was asked about whether executive pay would be taken back under the bank’s clawback provisions. “We will do the right thing…And that may well include clawbacks,” Dimon said. “The buck always stops with me.” [WSJ, earlier]

    / May 15, 2012 at 12:26 PM
  • News

    Fitch Has Something To Say About Fudgie

    “Manageable” but “raises questions.”

    Fitch Ratings has downgraded JPMorgan Chase & Co.’s (JPM) Long-term Issuer Default Rating (IDR) to ‘A+’ from ‘AA-‘ and its Short-term IDR to ‘F1′ from ‘F1+’. Fitch has placed all parent and subsidiary long-term ratings on Rating Watch Negative. Fitch has also downgraded JPM’s viability rating (VR) to ‘a+’ from ‘aa-‘ and placed it on Rating Watch Negative. In addition, Fitch affirmed JPM’s ‘1’ support rating and ‘A’ support rating floor. The rating actions follow JPM’s disclosure yesterday of a $2 billion trading loss on its synthetic credit positions in its Chief Investment Office (CIO). The positions were intended to hedge JPM’s overall credit exposure, particularly during periods of credit stress.

    Fitch views the size of loss as manageable. That said, the magnitude of the loss and ongoing nature of these positions implies a lack of liquidity. It also raises questions regarding JPM’s risk appetite, risk management framework, practices and oversight; all key credit factors. Fitch believes the potential reputational risk and risk governance issues raised at JPM are no longer consistent with an ‘AA-‘ rating.

    Fitch Cuts JPMorgan Ratings [Reuters]

    / May 11, 2012 at 4:50 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Chief Risk Officer: “I want to reiterate the critical role that we play at J.P. Morgan Chase”

    In case that was unclear. Also, no more “surprises” like you know what again, please.

    / May 11, 2012 at 2:59 PM
  • News

    Whale Sushi On The Menu At JPMorgan Executive Lunchroom For Next Few Months

    Jamie Dimon just did a conference call in which he mentioned something called the “Dimon Principle,” but he did not define it, so I will propose a definition, which is: If you are going to have a Slytherin alumnus running a $375bn book full of snakes and CDX and TIPS (??) and things, and someone […]

    / May 10, 2012 at 6:21 PM
  • News

    Experience The Collapse Of Lehman Brothers Again, For The First Time

    How will you be spending your weekend? I know what I’ll be doing, which is reading all the Lehman bankruptcy documents. They’ve been online for a week or two and we’ve had some teasers today, covering how much all the big fish got paid and how much all the medium-sized fish in IBD got paid. […]

    / Apr 27, 2012 at 5:56 PM
  • News

    His Trophy Case Full, Jamie Dimon Leaves Competitive Dancing To The Rest Of The Family

    [caption id="attachment_73269" align="alignright" width="260" caption="People who *can* dance"][/caption]

    There are a lot of things Jamie Dimon is very, very good at: building a fortress balance sheet, chatting up reporters in elevators, doing sake bombs, and being appreciably better looking than his peers, to name just a few. In other areas, the JPMorgan CEO has left room for improvement. For example, his dancing skills, about which Dimon’s own wife and mother are unsparing in their directness at this point.

    JPMorgan Chief Executive Officer Jamie Dimon “is a terrible dancer,” his wife, Judy Dimon, said last night at a gala for Ballet Hispanico, of which JPMorgan was the lead sponsor. She then moved her shoulders straight up and down to demonstrate what the 56 year-old leader of the biggest US bank, with $2.27 trillion of assets at year-end, does on the dance floor. Jame Dimon’s mom, Themis Dimon, was no more encouraging. Is he a good dancer? “No,” she said, shaking her head. Jamie Dimon wasn’t present to prove otherwise. “Unfortunately he couldn’t be here tonight because he had another commitment,” said his wife, a Ballet Hispanico board member and the event’s honorary chairman. Too bad. Jamie Dimon missed a good party. His wife, in a slim-fitting coral gown, danced a salsa with New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz, reminiscent of his moves in the end zone after scoring a touchdown.

    Speaking of people who can hold their own on the dance floor? “We like to dance,” Jamie Dimon’s father Theodore Dimon, there with his wife and Jamie’s twin brother, told Bloomberg. “We dance the fox trot — it’s nice and easy.”

    Scene Last Night: Victor Cruz, Dimon for Ballet Hispanico [Bloomberg]

    / Apr 10, 2012 at 10:46 AM
  • News

    Whatever Doesn’t Kill JPMorgan Makes It Stronger

    “The frustration with — and hostility toward — our industry continues,” Dimon said today in a letter to shareholders of New York-based JPMorgan, the largest U.S. bank by assets. “We have not retrenched. Just the opposite — we have stepped up.” [Bloomberg, related]

    / Apr 4, 2012 at 7:28 PM
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    News

    What? It’s Not Like He Hit The Button For Every Floor To Make The Ride As Awkward As Possible

    A few months ago, I was standing in a crowded elevator when Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JPMorgan Chase, stepped in. When he saw me, he said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear: “Why does The New York Times hate the banks?” It’s not The New York Times, Mr. Dimon. It […]

    / Apr 3, 2012 at 11:02 AM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Will Not Have His Employees’ Balls Examined Every Time They Want To Make A Trade, No Matter How Bad Paul Volcker Wants It

    I understand the goal to make sure these companies don’t take huge bets with their balance sheets. But market making? Just like these stores down the street, when they buy a lot of polka dot dresses, they hope they’re going to sell, they’re making a judgement call. They may be wrong! So protecting the system […]

    / Feb 13, 2012 at 4:02 PM
  • Banks

    Not That He’s Volunteering

    JPMorgan earnings this morning were a bit disappointing, with investment banking revenue down 30% y/o/y in what may be a bad sign for the rest of the industry, but the Jamie & Doug In The Morning Show remains finance’s top-rated program in its time slot and it did not disappoint today. This is in part […]

    / Jan 13, 2012 at 12:43 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Might Have The ‘Missing’ MF Global Money Or It Might Not

    According to Bloomberg, a search and rescue team has located $658.8 million of MF Global customer funds that went missing earlier this week. According to JPMorgan, however, while it is indeed “holding MF money,” it’s not “the missing money” you’re looking for. Go talk to Goldman, maybe they’ve seen it.

    / Nov 4, 2011 at 2:39 PM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Foils Seattle Protesters

    …despite a cold, relentless November rain Wednesday night, several hundred people marched to the Sheraton Hotel in downtown Seattle, where Dimon was a keynote speaker at an awards ceremony for the University of Washington’s Foster School of Business. Sixth Avenue in front of the hotel was closed to traffic for less than an hour as […]

    / Nov 3, 2011 at 3:25 PM
  • News

    This Is Jamie Dimon-Branded Pumpkin

    By a master craftsman.

    / Oct 31, 2011 at 5:20 PM

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