Jamie Dimon

“At first I thought it was a friend of mine pulling a prank. I thought it was Lloyd Blankfein,” Jamie Dimon said yesterday in Germany, re: the time Tom Brady called to cheer him up about JPMorgan’s $6.2 billion trading loss. He didn’t elaborate but it’s pretty obvious that the day Goldman was sued over Abacus, Dimon called over to GS pretending to be Aretha Franklin, telling Lloyd “no one’s got any R-E-S-P-E-C-T for clever investment products,” while months after JPMorgan bought Bear Stears, JD received a call from someone claiming to be “Jimmy Cayne” calling from the lobby with a sample of 90210 kush  that he insisted Dimon had to come down and try but “A-SAP, ’cause Big J had to double park his truck.”  [Bloomberg]

  • 22 Jan 2013 at 4:41 PM

Jamie Dimon (Sort Of) Returns Tom Brady’s Favor

Back in October, the most wonderful aspect of the JPMorgan Whale Tale emerged in the pages of Vanity Fair: the day Vice-Chairman Jimmy Lee barricaded himself in his office determined to come up with a way to help Jamie Dimon, and after hours of thinking real hard, summoned his six secretaries and told them they had a job to do, which was getting Tom Brady on the horn so he could deliver a pep talk sure to cheer up the boss. Was the call kind of awkward, considering the two had never spoken and Brady’s lack of useful investment ideas likely meant his big speech involved not much more than  ”Even Super Bowl champion quarterbacks have bad days” and “Keep your chin up out there?” Probably. And yet some sort of bond was clearly forged, which would explain why Dimon felt compelled to throw Brady this bone: Read more »

  • 16 Jan 2013 at 1:41 PM
  • Banks

JPMorgan Dissects A Whale Carcass

How should one read JPMorgan’s Whale Report? I suppose “not” is an acceptable answer; the Whale’s credit derivatives losses at JPMorgan’s Chief Investment Office are old news by now, though perhaps his bones point us to the future. One way to read it is as a depressing story about measurement. There were some people and whales, and there was a pot of stuff, and the people and whales sat around looking at the stuff and asking themselves, and each other, “what is up with that stuff?” The stuff was in some important ways unknowable: you could list what the stuff was, if you had a big enough piece of paper, but it was hard to get a handle on what it would do. But that was their job. And the way you normally get such a handle, at a bank, is with a number, or numbers, and so everyone grasped at a number.

The problems were (1) the numbers sort of sucked and (2) everyone used a different number. Here I drew you a picture:1

Everyone tried to understand the pool of stuff through one or two or three numbers, and everyone failed dismally through some combination of myopia and the fact that each of those numbers was sort of horrible or tampered or both, each in its own special way. Starting with:

VaR: Value-at-risk is the #1 thing that people talk about when they want to talk about measuring risk. To the point that, if you want to be all “don’t look at one number to measure risk, you jerks,” VaR is the one number you tell the jerks not to look at. Read more »

  • 13 Dec 2012 at 5:43 PM

This Is America, Last Time Jamie Dimon Checked

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of the country’s largest bank by assets, says that regulating Wall Street pay could put us on the road to communism. “We all want an equitable society. We need to have a conversation about what makes it equitable,” the JPMorgan Chase CEO said at The New York Times DealBook conference on Wednesday. “You can go do it the way that Cuba tried. Okay, well, then it will be equitable, but everyone won’t have much.” “If you don’t want a free society, then start dictating what compensation can be,” he added. [HuffPo via Counterparties]

“We are one decision away from restoring our fiscal and moral authority from around the world,” Dimon said today. “Let’s just do it.” [Dealbook]

  • 19 Nov 2012 at 5:51 PM

New JPMorgan CFO Is A Female Jamie Dimon, Says Person

J.P. Morgan named finance executive Marianne Lake to succeed Douglas Braunstein as chief financial officer of the largest U.S. bank. The appointment makes Ms. Lake one of the most powerful women on Wall Street as the New York company shuffles its leadership and recovers from a massive trading loss. The 43-year-old Ms. Lake currently is chief financial officer for the bank’s consumer unit. J.P. Morgan said that Mr. Braunstein will become a vice chairman of the company following Ms. Lake’s transition to the CFO position in first quarter 2013…Ms. Lake is known within the company as smart and assertive in the style of Mr. Dimon. “She talks so fast because she knows her numbers so well,” said a person close to the bank.  [WSJ]

  • 12 Oct 2012 at 11:18 AM
  • Banks

JPMorgan CFO Handsome

JPMorgan did its third-quarter earnings call this morning, and even though the London Whale was a pretty minor presence on the call I was still going to throw up a picture of a whale here because (1) why stoke Jamie’s ego further and (2) who doesn’t like whales, but then the operator asked for closing remarks, and Jamie Dimon closed the call by saying “I’m just surprised no one mentioned how handsome Doug Braunstein looked in that article in the Wall Street Journal,”1 and, well, that happened, and we’re each going to have to deal with it in our own way, but in any case, Doug Braunstein, ladies and gentlemen.

I HAVE NOT FORSAKEN YOU WHALEDEMORT and we’ll talk about him in a bit when I can get my emotions in check but for now I guess we owe it to that handsome cherub to your left to talk about JPMorgan’s business a bit so let’s do that.

JPMorgan’s business: It is good! Records were set, expectations exceeded, the stock … um, opened down, but got better. (Then got worse again! I don’t know.) The other day I suggested that underwriting 30-year investment-grade bonds is sort of a bad business because you make 87.5bps now, but then your client is all set for 30 years, so it’s really only 3bps a year, which is not much compared to basically any other method of providing money to companies, except ironically actually lending them money (if they are high investment grade), which is just a pure loser. I more or less stand by that in a big-picture sense, but of course 30 years is well into IBGYBG territory and it feels great to make 87.5bps now, so now you’re happy. JPMorgan is I guess underwriting a lot of 30-year bonds; more to the point it’s underwriting a lot of 30-year mortgages.

A toy model you could have of the mortgage market is: Read more »