jokes

  • File photo of Axel Kicillof, then Argentina's deputy economy minister, speaking during a news conference in Buenos Aires

    News

    Somebody Get Axel Kicillof An American Civics Textbook

    That way, the next time the Argentine economy minister/negotiator extraordinaire gets huffy about why Barack Obama doesn’t just fire U.S. District Judge Thomas Griesa, or take a page from a previous Argentine regime and make him disappear or something, he can just look “separation of powers” up in the index and turn to the relevant […]

    / Aug 7, 2014 at 1:02 PM
  • TomPerkins.jpg

    "playfully controversial statements"

    Tom Perkins Would Like To Propose A Constitutional Amendment

    The venture capitalist will allow that when he compared progressive politics to Kristallnacht, he may have exaggerated slightly: He knows the 1% will not literally go extinct, for mathematical if for no other reasons. But just in case, he’s come up with a plan that will keep them protected.

    / Feb 14, 2014 at 1:37 PM
  • garycohngoldmansachs

    News

    Gary Cohn Chooses Not To Say, “I ran into Jamie Dimon on the first night of Hannukkah and asked him what it was like to have a menorah shoved up his ass” In The Presence Of A Reporter

    Goldman Sachs emerged from the financial crisis as the whipping boy of Wall Street. But on Monday evening, the firm’s chief executive, Lloyd C. Blankfein, was feted like a king. Or perhaps like a rabbi. “Lloyd, I’d like to welcome you to your second bar mitzvah,” David K. Wassong, the co-head of private equity at […]

    / Dec 3, 2013 at 5:44 PM
  • deutsche-bank

    News

    Deutsche Bank Warning To Employees Re: Not Joking About Market Manipulation Would’ve Been More Useful To Robert Wallden Yesterday!

    At the end of October, Deutsche Bank held a town hall on the topic of electronic communication, specifically the perils of making statements re: engaging in fraud, even in jest. To be safe, one should reserve such riffing for face-to-face conversations, or, to avoid headaches in the form of house calls from the FBI, insert […]

    / Nov 21, 2013 at 2:18 PM
  • Che Tempo Che Fa Italian TV Show - October 17, 2010

  • saccpitalparkinglotsnow

    News

    Mr. And Mrs. Mathew Martoma In Surprisingly Good Spirits Considering Someone’s Recent Workplace Drama

    Earlier today, former CR Intrinsic employee Mathew Martoma made an appearance in federal court re: the matter of his being charged with insider trading during his time with the SAC Capital unit. The hearing was merely to set the terms his bail– lenient enough that they allow him to travel throughout Massachusetts, New Jersey, Florida, and parts of New York, though not so generous so as to allow for visits with old friends in the Nutmeg State– with a follow up meeting with the Judge James Cott set for December 26th. Joining Mathew at the courthouse today was his wife, Rosemary, and while we expected brave faces and a united front from the couple, we didn’t expect smiles and jokes for the cheap seats.

    / Nov 26, 2012 at 8:11 PM
  • News

    Tim Geithner To Finally Be Set Free?

    “President Barack Obama’s senior advisers are confident Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner will remain in his job even though he hasn’t made his intentions public, an administration official said. Geithner met recently with Vice President Joe Biden and laid out his reasons for wanting to leave the post. Biden outlined why it was vital that […]

    / Oct 1, 2012 at 4:34 PM
  • "jokes"

    Claim: Sam Israel’s Investors Gave Him Money Because They Liked Animal-Loving Cokeheads Who Looked Good In Women’s Underwear And Cowboy Boots

    Investors gave Bernie Madoff money because they trusted him. They gave Sam Israel money because they liked him—a gregarious, disarming goofball who, as a Wall Street apprentice, had invented an alter ego he called Captain Proton, a fearless superhero whose special powers were granted by vodka and cocaine. Now in his forties, he lived in a Westchester mansion, rented from Donald Trump for $22,000 a month, with an adjacent chapel in which he had built a replica of the Bayou trading floor alongside an 800-­gallon saltwater fish tank and a menagerie of rare reptiles. He’d also installed a high-end studio for jam sessions, where he’d play with the Allman Brothers’ drummer when the band was in town. He owned a fleet of Porsches and signed personal checks printed with the image of SpongeBob SquarePants…Once he’d welcomed his family home from a short trip standing in the driveway wearing cowboy boots, his wife’s bikini underwear, a lacrosse helmet, swim goggles, a life jacket, and a cape, then started screaming at his wife when she didn’t get the joke. [NYM, related]

    / Jul 3, 2012 at 11:36 AM
  • News

    Eliot Spitzer Wants You To Feel Comfortable Making Jokes About The Time He Got Caught Paying For Hookers

    Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer was recently interviewed by Times magazine. On the topic of patronizing prostitutes, which led to his resignation from office, reporter Andrew Goldman asked Ness if he was ready to laugh about the whole thing. Spitzer said that while, personally, he’s not yet at the ha-ha stage, he totally […]

    / Mar 18, 2011 at 12:23 PM
  • News

    Bernie Madoff Doesn’t Think Much Of Dodd-Frank

    [Madoff] sees himself at this stage as a kind of truth-teller. He has disdain not only for the industry but for the regulators. “The SEC,” he says, “looks terrible in this thing.” And he doesn’t see himself as the only guilty party on Wall Street. “It’s unbelievable, Goldman … no one has any criminal convictions. […]

    / Feb 28, 2011 at 2:47 PM
  • News

    AIG: BACK IN THE GAME

    AIG executives, in their first conference call with Wall Street analysts in two years, sounded a cautiously optimistic tone as they mapped out the company’s future and explained its weak fourth-quarter operating results…When asked about the market position of AIG’s property and casualty business, now known as Chartis, which a Goldman Sachs analyst described on […]

    / Feb 25, 2011 at 1:45 PM
  • News

    Bloomberg Declares Tim Geithner No Longer Fit For Ridicule

    Ever since he was named Treasury Secretary, Tim Geithner has suffered from a lack of respect, both from the outside world and internally. His boss makes “jokes” in public about dogs pissing on him, chief executives openly speak of his uselessness and hardly a day goes by without a story claiming he’s getting fired and […]

    / Feb 24, 2011 at 1:44 PM
  • News

    Oil Trader Was Totally Just Messing When He Suggested Having A Judge Killed

    That was a joke people took out of context. But he was serious about bribing the guy.

    / Dec 16, 2010 at 4:38 PM
  • News

    Nick Maounis’s New Hedge Fund: GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT

    A few years back, a hedge fund in Greenwich went out of business. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. Was called Amaranth Advisors. Was run by a guy named Nick Maounis. Had this lovable goof of a Canuck named Brian Hunter making natural-gas trades. Brian was always up for a good laugh and one day, on […]

    / Jun 28, 2010 at 1:52 PM
  • News

    Lloyd Blankfein, Jamie Dimon Keep The Yuks Coming

    Without question, it’s been a difficult year and a half for Lloyd Blankfein and Jamie Dimon. While they may not have had to deal with the abysmal failures of some of their peers, they’ve had to grapple with something perhaps even more difficult: being punished for their manifold success. Peasants with pitchforks, deranged Rolling Stone […]

    / May 24, 2010 at 9:00 AM
  • News

    Testing Jamie Dimon’s Cougar Knowledge

    Last night at the Robin Hood Foundation’s annual gala, Jimmy Fallon appeared on stage wearing a cowboy hat, and in a Southern accent, sang an original song entitled “Cougar Huntin’.” Apparently it was funny and references to the group of 40+ year old women who seek out younger men to use as their sex toys […]

    / May 11, 2010 at 1:15 PM
  • News

    Hedge Fund Investor Relations Girl Loses Suit Against Boss For Dumb Blonde Jokes, Lap Dances, Alleged Murder Attempts

    Remember Jordan Wimmer and her boss Mark Lowe, manager of UK-based Nomos Capital? For those of you who (shamefully) need a recap, last fall Wimmer, a former investor relations girl who made £577,000 a year, sued Lowe for £4million, making a host of claims that included Lowe: * Making jokes about the intelligence of blondes: […]

    / May 4, 2010 at 12:20 PM
  • News

    Tim Geithner’s “Just One Of The Girls” Makeover Continues

    As previously mentioned, Tim Geithner recently embarked on a pussy outreach program. He’s sick of trying to please you men and has moved on to the ladies. Vogue spreads, grocery shopping, recipe swaps, BJ tips, he’s doing it all. Clearly TG’s “just one of the girls” image would not be complete without some jokes at […]

    / Mar 29, 2010 at 4:30 PM
  • News

    Money Never Sleeps Thespian Did Not Take The CFA In December

    So I don’t normally feel the need to highlight the sections in my posts where I’m very clearly joking but since it seems that one in particular has been difficult for the naked eye to detect…

    / Jan 27, 2010 at 12:35 PM
  • News

    Is Bernie Madoff Allowed To Make Long Distance Outgoing Calls?

    From the mailbag: Bomb threat occurred today on the 18th floor of Madoff’s old firm at Lipstick Building. Anniversary present? No real police presence and the identity of phone caller is known.

    / Dec 11, 2009 at 2:02 PM
  • News

    Gatorade: You Will No Longer Be Sipping On Tiger Juice On Our Watch

    CNBC’s Darren Rovell reports that PepsiCo will discontinue ‘Gatorade Tiger Focus.’ The company assures us it has nothing to do with “recent events,” but was actually a decision they’d made months ago. If you want some Woods juice you’re just going to have to get out there and find it on your own (which shouldn’t […]

    / Dec 8, 2009 at 1:34 PM
  • News

    Plebes Crowd John Paulson At NYU Alumni Function

    Was at the Stern alumni ball Saturday with girlfriend who went there. John Paulson in attendance. (he donated the new lobby). The alum ahead of me in the “receiving line” handed him his card like a slick scumbag in desperation for business. Another said to him, “We used to go the same ATM!”

    / Dec 7, 2009 at 12:28 PM
  • News

    Hooker-Employing Hedge Fund Manager Addresses Dumb Blonde Jokes

    Mark Lowe, the Nomos Capital founder accused by former employee Jordan Wimmer of, among other things, trying to kill her (several times), hiring hookers to work as investor relations girls, forcing Wimmer to be present while he received lap dances, having an Asian fetish, and making dumb blonde jokes took the stand today to tell […]

    / Nov 17, 2009 at 12:57 PM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs: You Think God Would Let ‘Egomaniacs’ Work Here?

    By now you’ve likely heard the news: you can no longer say that Goldman Sachs is evil, because Lloyd Blankfein and Co. are merely doing the big guy’s bidding. Actually, that’s not true: you can call the Masters of the Universe sinners all you want but do so at your own peril, knowing full well […]

    / Nov 9, 2009 at 12:52 PM
  • News

    “But Seriously, This Is Not A Laughing Matter. I’m Probably Going To Lose A Lot Of Friends To Pound Town.”

    Pershing Square hedge fund manager Bill Ackman highlighted prison operator Corrections Corp. as one of the best real-estate businesses around, during a presentation at the Value Investing Congress in New York on Tuesday. The government is a major customer and there is strong demand for prison space and limited supply, Ackman explained. “It’s also a […]

    / Oct 20, 2009 at 4:24 PM

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