JP Morgan Chase

  • 22 May 2008 at 12:27 PM

JPMorgan: Viva* Los Layoffs

It seems like all we ever hear about is what a nice guy Jamie Dimon is, and how he’s a “giant among midgets” and his souvlaki is out of this world, but the direction he’s taking Bearpont Morgan Chase** is deeply disturbing and very much brings his judgment into question.
Not two weeks ago JPMorgan’s head of Latin American Credit, along with four MD’s and one ED were laid off for reasons related to “cost cutting and expenses.” Today we’re told that a JPM director paid a visit to 383 Madison this morning to fire all but two analysts from Bear’s Latam Research division, telling the peasants, “As you probably realize, we cannot take you on and as you may or may not be aware, JPMorgan decided to keep the headcount the same as before the merger. So now, you are free to look for other jobs.” Obviously we knew that there would be (severance-saddled) victims in this whole thing but the fact that Jamie Dimon can’t spare a few pesos to keep the group which inspired “Project Awesome” (the fictional Latam division of the fictional JS Spencer bank which spent most of its time chilling in Cabo with the odd Brazilian mention in Dana Vachon’s Mergers and Acquisitions) fully intact is a hard pill to swallow and quite nearly criminal. To Dimon’s credit, however, he apparently was instrumental in coming up with the line, “You are free to look for other jobs,” which was inspired. (Especially after he asked everyone to stay put for the last several months and requested that other banks hold off on hiring Bear employees until he could decide who would be getting fired.)
*It’s funnier than “vivan.”
**Not yet official, just in the hopper. Also under consideration: JPMorgan Cayne, the reasoning being that “this whole thing would never have happened without JC’s inspired management of Bear.”

The (very) internal Bear memo we just received is from December and yet, we feel the message bears repeating (at regular intervals, which perhaps is the case for the original recipients, who need to be reminded about this stuff). For the employees who’ve seen this before–whether you’re unsure about plans for the future or are getting ready to head over to JPMorgan–please note that the guidelines found within should probably be heeded even after you leave BSC. For Jamie Dimon– who clearly had no idea what he was getting himself into– it’s not too late! You can still back out of this thing. Or, at the very least, start making some calls to ensure that the Bear employees you’ve fired your own to make room for are housed in a quarantined area…like Citigroup.

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Supposedly, the lawyer who “mistakenly” included the clause about JPMorgan being responsible for Bear’s losses regardless of whether or not the deal goes through is “no longer with the firm,” as of this morning. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why. Personally, we feel he injected a much needed dose of comic relief in that place.
And let me just add:

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  • 13 May 2008 at 10:14 AM

Just Wondering

Now that Jamie Dimon has admitted that JPMorgan will make a billion dollars from the Bear deal, do you think he’ll stick to his previous promise to never again buy another failing investment bank at the last minute?

BARTIROMO: You only had 48 hours to do the due diligence, correct?
DIMON: That’s correct.
BARTIROMO: That had to be a huge risk.
DIMON: It’s the last time I will ever do something like that.

CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo Speaks Exclusively with JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon on “Closing Bell” [CNBC]
JPMorgan CEO sees $1 bln gain from Bear deal [Reuters]

Mark Petrinovic, JPM’s head of Latin American Credit, along with 4 MD’s and 1 ED, are said to have been laid off yesterday. Supposedly the cuts were “quite unexpected as they were unrelated to the Bear integration.” Which begs the question, would you rather be fired through no fault of your own, or for reasons that can be placed squarely on your drug use*? Personally, we’re inclined to go with the latter. If** I’m going to get fired, I’m going to do it on my own terms.
*Merely a “for instance.”
**“If,” ha.

I’m not exactly sure what we’re supposed to do with this but a (soon to be?) former Bear employee just bcc’d us on this message to a higher up at the bank so we’ll put it out there. That’s what we do at DealBreaker, give voices to those who cannot be heard. We’re practically a human rights watch group, wouldn’t you say? I just wish we’d been non-blind carbon copied, in which case it would be appropriate to re all with “Yeah!” or “We concur!” or something to that effect. If anyone else has a message they’d like to more widely disseminate, send it our way.

It saddens me that you have so simply, arrogantly and cruelly changed the severance classification of the equity research department personnel on the very day no-less that layoffs commenced. This change is reprehensible and you-can-bet grounds for litigation. Many of us in the research department were persuaded to stay and await final determination of our employment status because of the way the severance packages were structured; mind-you, a very deliberate structuring on JPMorgan/Bear’s part for the very reason to dupe us into staying at Bear. Shame on you! You lied! And, of course, the loyal employees your glib lies hurt the most are those who earned the least, the Associates.

greenberg.jpgWe thought it was impossible at this point to dig up any more evidence to support the claim that Jimmy Cayne is a dick who cared more about his recreational activities (card playing, drug use, journalism) than the company he was supposed to be running, but, damn it, it’s been done. And in the same NYT article, another notion we once held regarding Wall Street—that it’s the type of place that kicks you out on your ass long before the dementia sets in—is also blown out of the water.
It’s not surprising in the least that J-Cay would be the type of person to refuse to refer to an elder by the nickname he so obviously loved. Still, the extent to which JC went to deny Alan “Ace” Greenberg one of the last remaining pleasures in the twilight of his life is stunning. According to Landon Thomas, Cayne “makes a point” to “never” use the handle, and has “a standing order among some of his closer associates that anyone who uses the name Ace in his presence, owes him $100.” Due to the fact that virtually no one else at the firm shared Cayne’s inability to utter the one syllable proper noun, this is actually considered to be one of the J man’s most prudent business decisions.
Also in line with what we know but still beating his own record at prickish behavior is the story about how Cayne “convinced” Greenberg to stay at Bear last year, after he threatened to leave, citing a lack of respect, mostly from the big guy himself. The board, trying to stave off a PR crisis, told JC to get in there and make nice. Obviously any ounce of sincerity was out of the question, but they were probably under the impression Cayne could at least fake some stuff about Greenberg being “so important to the firm,” “a valuable part of the team,” “a living antique we don’t want to lose,” and so on and so forth. As it turns out, not so much!
Apparently all Cayne was capable of was citing some speech he’d given at a dinner that mentioned Greenberg’s previous work, before getting pissed off that a man of his stature had even been asked to do something so demeaning, and shouting “Alan, this is the opposite of disrespect, so don’t tell me you are disrespected” and walking out of the room. In Cayne’s defense, he did have the respect not to put Greenberg in a choke hold and ask, “Why don’t you just die, old man?” which you know he wanted to, but still. Way to make the guy feel wanted. (Another thing to note, for fairness sake, is that the reason Cayne had to cut things short was because he was late to play golf, and not because he didn’t “give a baker’s fuck if He Whose Nickname I Shall Not Say stuck around or not.”)
Shockingly left out of the article is the rumor we’ve heard that when Cayne found out those early negotiations between JPMorgan and the Fed had resulted in the Fed, feeling the equity investors didn’t deserve jack, coming up with the $2/share deal, JC was so insulted that he said he’d rather see Bear go to zero than take two, and threatened to take adequate steps to ensure that end. (Cayne scrapped the idea when the Fed supposedly told him they spend the next twenty years investigating every move he ever made at the firm which, I think we can all agree, would’ve been awesome, and would clearly include proof that JC gave away 1,000 shares of BSC to make the pictures of him taping the two-dolllar bill to the door of 383 Madison go away.)
Oh, and “Ace” says that one of the reasons he wanted to leave, in addition to being disrespected, was a bout of depression stemming from his puppy not placing well in dog shows. Enjoy it while you can, Jamie Dimon.
Behind Bear Stearns’ demise, a royal battle at the top [IHT]