JPMorgan

  • I will poke you!

    News

    Senate Subcommittee Feasting On Whale Today

    When I got the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations report on the London Whale last night, I did what any sensible human would do: I ctrl-F’ed for my name and the names of my friends and enemies, gloated briefly, and then set to work rationalizing not reading the rest of it. After all, it’s ridiculous […]

    / Mar 15, 2013 at 11:46 AM
  • inadrewnewyorktimes

    News

    Ina Drew Headed To Washington For A Little Chat Re: Marine Mammals

    The executive who led the J.P. Morgan Chase Co. cash-management unit at the center of the “London Whale” debacle is scheduled to testify Friday before a Senate panel probing the $6 billion trading loss at the nation’s largest bank by assets. Former Chief Investment Officer Ina Drew, who resigned as head of the unit last […]

    / Mar 13, 2013 at 4:15 PM
  • News

    Person Sends Email To Jamie Dimon

    We* don’t really find it particularly amusing amusing or post-worthy that a Jefferies employee accidentally or misguidedly put Jamie Dimon on an email about a working group list but judging by the number of people who’ve sent it to us, this is the height of banking humor, so here you go:

    / Mar 5, 2013 at 6:50 PM
  • shamu

    News

    London Whale Also Not Responsible For Those Last 10 Pounds You Haven’t Lost

    There are a lot of things that, if you wanted to, you could legitimately blame on former JP Morgan employee London P. Whale. The $6.2 billion trading loss the bank incurred over the summer. Ina Drew getting fired. This awkward phone call. Some stuff you can’t pin on him, though many have tried: male pattern baldness, the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Apple Maps, Lehman Brothers’ bankruptcy, tempting as it may be.

    / Feb 28, 2013 at 1:32 PM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Reminds Mike Mayo He Drove To Work In An Eighty Thousand Dollar BMW

    Mike Mayo: I think what I hear UBS saying in their presentation is, if I’m an affluent customer, I’ll feel a lot better going to UBS if they have a 13 percent capital ratio than another big bank with a 10 percent ratio, do you agree with that or disagree? Jamie Dimon: So you would go to UBS and not JPMorgan? Mike Mayo: I didn’t say that, that’s their argument. Jamie Dimon: That’s why I’m richer than you.

    / Feb 26, 2013 at 6:29 PM
  • whale5

    News

    Does Jamie Dimon Have Too Much on His Plate?

    Some meddlesome JPMC investors seem to think so.

    / Feb 20, 2013 at 4:35 PM
  • jp_morgan11

    News

    Layoffs Watch ’13: JPMorgan

    Cuts are said to have gone down at the House o’ Dimon this morning, apparently affecting a handful of equities employees.

    / Feb 13, 2013 at 12:20 PM
  • better whale-human relationship

    News

    Human-Whale Relations At JPMorgan Were Pretty Frosty

    Is JPMorgan too big to manage the quantity of public confusion about its operations? Maybe? This Reuters story about how JPMorgan was betting against its own Whale trades is a bit silly: the fact that JPMorgan’s investment bank dealer desk may have been long (short) some of the instruments that JPMorgan’s Chief Investment Office was […]

    / Jan 30, 2013 at 2:32 PM
  • I'm not sure if all the small banks are supposed to be clustered in one big green square. But there are like 20 of them.

    News

    Big Banks Do Plenty Of Lending, Though Mostly With Other People’s Money

    I’m mesmerized by this JPMorgan research chart showing that big banks shouldn’t be broken up because they lend so much more to businesses and consumers than small banks do. See: Basically for every dollar of normalized capital, JPMorgan has extended $12 of credit between March 2010 and September 2012, according to this note by JPM’s […]

    / Jan 29, 2013 at 6:37 PM
  • J.P. Morgan in a hat. *You* illustrate "liquidity backstops for variable-rate municipal issuers."

    News

    Basel III Liquidity Rules Already Making Banking Simpler And Safer

    Financial innovation gets kind of a bad rap, and one of my favorite parts of this job is when I get to celebrate it just for being itself. Sometimes this means breathtaking magic like the derivative on its derivatives that Credit Suisse sold to itself, or elegant executions of classic ideas like the Coke shares […]

    / Jan 25, 2013 at 11:16 AM
  • Banks

    JPMorgan Sees No Need To Appoint Committee To Break Up JPMorgan

    Do you have an opinion on whether JPMorgan is too big to manage and should be broken into its constituent bits? You do? Hey, that’s great, good for you. Here’s what you can do about it, in roughly descending order of effectiveness: Be Jamie Dimon, do what you want. Be a board member, try to […]

    / Jan 24, 2013 at 6:10 PM
  • You said it, Paul, not me.

    Banks

    Bank Investors Push For Change Via Strongly Worded Poll Responses

    I feel like this exchange did not go well for Jamie Dimon: [Elliott Capital’s Paul] Singer said the unfathomable nature of banks’ public accounts made it impossible to know which were “actually risky or sound”. … Mr Singer noted that derivatives positions, in particular, were difficult for outside investors to parse and worried that banks […]

    / Jan 23, 2013 at 1:32 PM
  • News

    The Takeaway Here Is That Lloyd Blankfein And Jamie Dimon Regularly Prank Call Each Other

    “At first I thought it was a friend of mine pulling a prank. I thought it was Lloyd Blankfein,” Jamie Dimon said yesterday in Germany, re: the time Tom Brady called to cheer him up about JPMorgan’s $6.2 billion trading loss. He didn’t elaborate but it’s pretty obvious that the day Goldman was sued over […]

    / Jan 22, 2013 at 5:28 PM
  • jamiedimonvanityfair

    News

    Jamie Dimon (Sort Of) Returns Tom Brady’s Favor

    Back in October, the most wonderful aspect of the JPMorgan Whale Tale emerged in the pages of Vanity Fair: the day Vice-Chairman Jimmy Lee barricaded himself in his office determined to come up with a way to help Jamie Dimon, and after hours of thinking real hard, summoned his six secretaries and told them they had a job to do, which was getting Tom Brady on the horn so he could deliver a pep talk sure to cheer up the boss. Was the call kind of awkward, considering the two had never spoken and Brady’s lack of useful investment ideas likely meant his big speech involved not much more than  “Even Super Bowl champion quarterbacks have bad days” and “Keep your chin up out there?” Probably. And yet some sort of bond was clearly forged, which would explain why Dimon felt compelled to throw Brady this bone:

    / Jan 22, 2013 at 4:41 PM
  • whale diagram

    Banks

    JPMorgan Dissects A Whale Carcass

    How should one read JPMorgan’s Whale Report? I suppose “not” is an acceptable answer; the Whale’s credit derivatives losses at JPMorgan’s Chief Investment Office are old news by now, though perhaps his bones point us to the future. One way to read it is as a depressing story about measurement. There were some people and […]

    / Jan 16, 2013 at 1:41 PM
  • Okay let's make that ... rock wall ... thing ... taller.

    News

    Regulators Close Aquarium Door Behind Escaped Whale

    Once upon a time there was a whale, and he had a synthetic credit portfolio, and one day he did terrible terrible things with that synthetic credit portfolio, and the next day he woke up and realized he had lost $5.8 billion, and he was sad. The question for you is: was that a disaster? […]

    / Jan 14, 2013 at 6:33 PM
  • News

    Banks Lobbying, Capitalizing Like It’s 2007

    They may still be too big and fragile, but banks are throwing their considerable weight around and getting their way.

    / Jan 7, 2013 at 6:08 PM
  • johncholish

    people who love having the solid food slapped out of their hands

    Financial Services Employees To Spend The Month Of January Subsisting On Garlic-Oregano Shots And Self-Loathing

    …a growing number of self-flagellating New Yorkers who treat — then beat — themselves post-holidays by temporarily giving up vices such as alcohol and sweets, sometimes replacing them with liquid diets (blue-green algae juice and garlic-oregano shots, among them). According to Denise Mari, owner of Organic Avenue, the uber-popular NYC-based juicing mecca, business has doubled […]

    / Jan 4, 2013 at 4:14 PM
  • Too soon?

    Banks

    JPMorgan’s Regulators Plan To Ask Some Pointed Questions About … Sorry, Was It The London Quail? Something Like That.

    I didn’t really understand this morning’s Journal headline – “Regulatory ‘Whale’ Hunt Advances” – since the whale in question, JPMorgan’s Bruno Iksil, has been caught, harpooned, killed, flensed, picked clean by sharks, and his skeleton mounted in the American Museum of Unfortunate Trades. So the OCC’s hunt is … somewhat late no? The Office of […]

    / Dec 21, 2012 at 2:04 PM
  • News

    SEC OKs Plan To Devastate Copper Market, Economy

    Always looking to keep things interesting, the SEC has approved plans for an exchange-traded fund that will “wreak havoc on the U.S. and global economy.”*

    / Dec 17, 2012 at 3:20 PM
  • Of course they could probably do it.

    News

    The SEC Demanded That JPMorgan Provide More Disclosure About Goldman Sachs’s Prop Trading

    I enjoyed Bloomberg’s story about how the SEC was pestering JPMorgan to better disclose its proprietary trading activities well in advance of the London Whale fiasco. If you just read the headline you’d be all “oh look how prescient the SEC was,” but if you read the actual letters, not so much. Here is my […]

    / Dec 12, 2012 at 12:36 PM
  • jp_morgan

    News

    Because He’s 135 Years Old And You Still Use Proactiv, That’s Why

    Justin Bieber definitely makes a bunch in the bank, but he doesn’t seem to know so much about banking. When the teenybopper star and his crew hit Susan Sarandon’s ping-pong club SPiN Wednesday, they were directed to a private room away from the masses, but told they’d have to give up the space at 6:30 […]

    / Dec 3, 2012 at 2:45 PM
  • mariannalake

    News

    New JPMorgan CFO Is A Female Jamie Dimon, Says Person

    J.P. Morgan named finance executive Marianne Lake to succeed Douglas Braunstein as chief financial officer of the largest U.S. bank. The appointment makes Ms. Lake one of the most powerful women on Wall Street as the New York company shuffles its leadership and recovers from a massive trading loss. The 43-year-old Ms. Lake currently is […]

    / Nov 19, 2012 at 5:51 PM
  • So that's nice then.

    News

    JPMorgan May Soon Be Rid Of One Of Many Bear Stearns Mortgage Investigations

    Mortgage-backed securities are sort of conceptually simple – put mortgages in a pot, stir, sell layers of resulting goop – but complex in execution; they have not only economic but also legal and accounting and bankruptcy purposes and so their offering documents are long and boring and filled with dotted and dashed lines and arrows […]

    / Nov 7, 2012 at 5:46 PM
  • This probably overstates the forcefulness of his return.

    Banks, News

    London Whale Swims Off Into The Sunset

    Hi Whale! I told you you were not forgotten. Not understood, either, but not forgotten. The London Whale now goes by the less adorable name “synthetic credit portfolio,” since all mammalian representatives of that portfolio have left for non-extradition countries. That is descriptive enough, or so I would have thought; my rough model of the […]

    / Oct 12, 2012 at 5:05 PM
  • Who could demote THAT FACE?

    Banks, News

    JPMorgan CFO Handsome

    JPMorgan did its third-quarter earnings call this morning, and even though the London Whale was a pretty minor presence on the call I was still going to throw up a picture of a whale here because (1) why stoke Jamie’s ego further and (2) who doesn’t like whales, but then the operator asked for closing […]

    / Oct 12, 2012 at 11:18 AM
  • Cows, how I have missed you

    News

    Even Ratings Agencies Are Unimpressed By Ratings Agencies

    There are many great businesses in the world but surely none is as great as being paid money not to do stuff. I was in that line of work for two glorious months in the summer of 2011 and I’m pretty sure it was the peak of my career. Counterintuitively this business is not always […]

    / Oct 10, 2012 at 7:19 PM
  • I feel like if your name is "Skelly" you're pretty much destined to find oil in your backyard. "Levine," not.

    News

    JPMorgan Sold An Equity Derivative To A Tulsa Oil Heiress Too Unsophisticated To Appreciate Its Beauty

    A core belief here at Dealbreaker HQ is that we’d be really good rich people.1 No conservative 401(k)s and unborn-children-college-funds for us; we’d dedicate ourselves to lives of sybaritic excess. For me, that means that if someone wants to die and leave me an oil fortune, I’ll be putting Morandis on the wall, DRCs in […]

    / Oct 10, 2012 at 4:30 PM

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