JPMorgan

In retrospect, JPM could’ve maybe solved that puzzle using the clues Madoff provided. Maybe. Read more »

JPMorgan Chase & Co. plans to boost the number of junior investment bankers it employs by about 10 percent and provide them with “protected weekends” to reduce their workload, a person familiar with the matter said. Jeff Urwin, the New York-based company’s global head of investment banking, announced the changes on an internal conference call today, said the person, who didn’t say how many people would be affected and asked not to be identified because the new policies aren’t public. Jennifer Zuccarelli, a spokeswoman for JPMorgan, declined to comment. All of the major Wall Street firms are planning to increase investment-banking staff in 2014, according to Jeanne Branthover, the head of financial-services recruitment at Boyden Global Executive Search in New York. They are also trying to protect their best employees from poaching as average pay at the biggest banks declines. “Business is better and they’ve stayed lean for so long,” Branthover said. “People are burned out.” [Bloomberg, earlier]

Earlier this month. Jamie Dimon’s office at 270 Park Avenue. Dimon is on his computer scrolling through pictures. As we get closer, we see that he’s looking at old Kardashian family Christmas cards that Kourtney and Khloe have tweeted, before the big reveal of this, which elicits a “Oh for crying out loud” from Dimon. After a few more moments he picks up the phone.

Judy Dimon: Hello?
Jamie Dimon: It’s me.
Judy Dimon: Oh hi honey, I’m glad you called, do you want me to pack your flannel shirt for the weekend? And what time will you be home, because I think we should get on the road by 5 and–
Jamie Dimon: Yeah, listen, you need to call the Blankfeins and cancel.
Judy Dimon: What do you mean cancel? We’ve been trying to do this weekend in Vermont with them for months.
Jamie Dimon: Can’t do it Judy. Cancel with Laura and then call the girls. Tell them to be at the house for a family meeting at 1900 hours.
Judy Dimon: Jamie what is this about?
Jamie Dimon: You know what it’s about.
Judy Dimon: I want to hear you say it.
Jamie Dimon: Don’t make me, Judy.
Judy Dimon: No, if I’m going to be forced to cancel our weekend with the Blankfeins and devote the next two days straight to what you have planned, I want to hear the words come out of your mouth. Read more »

Last October, Reverend Billy (AKA Billy Talen) made his second appearance at JP Morgan. The first time the Reverend showed up at the House of Morgan, he protested the banks practices by putting a “holy hex” on the building. This time, he was there to draw attention to the House of Morgan’s financing of “mountain top removal, dirty coal, fracking, and other types of fossil fuel extraction,” which he did by entering 270 Park, along with members of his Stop Shopping choir who were dressed as frogs, heading up to the third floor (where wealth management offices are located), and belting out a tune on the subject. The Reverend delivered a sermon about JP Morgan’s role in climate change (via its investments), and his flock passed out informational pamphlets to clients and employees. Shortly thereafter, while waiting for the F train, Billy and his choir director Nehemiah Luckett were arrested and charged with riot in the second degree and menacing in the third degree, facing up to one year in prison a piece.* But earlier this week, God intervened: Read more »

Not even if it it came with a personal manservant named Sandy Weill. Not even if Tom Brady called him to say it was okay to buy it. Read more »

  • 09 Dec 2013 at 4:26 PM
  • Banks

JPMorgan Legal Liabilities: An Update

In honor of the five-year anniversary of the Fall of the House of Madoff (Wednesday, if it’s not already a fixture in your Outlook calendar), we bring you an update on the House of Morgan’s latest negotiations with a representative of the U.S. government, this time over whether it should have filed a form that probably would have been ignored or ineptly investigated anyway, in which it would have suggested that maybe something was amiss on the 17th floor of 885 Third. Read more »

Stephen Cutler is pretty sure a 9-figure settlement is still something. It’s the thought that counts. Read more »