JPMorgan

  • News

    Theory: JPMorgan Would Be In A Helluva Lot Better Shape If Jamie Dimon Would Take Four Months Vacation Each Year

    In her fascinating 1999 biography of J.P. Morgan,”Morgan: American Financier,” Jean Strouse writes, “He could, he said, do a year’s work in nine months but not in twelve.” Morgan would keep a workaholic’s schedule while in New York but would break for frequent trips to Europe, flopping around its spas to ward off depression and […]

    / Aug 29, 2012 at 6:01 PM
  • News

    Bloomberg: Not One Bank CEO Can Fill Jamie Dimon’s Shoes, Especially Not That Guy From Australia Who Doesn’t Own An Iron

    Earlier today, Bloomberg ran a lengthy piece about the latest crisis on Wall Street: a lack of Jamie Dimon. Specifically, a lack of Jamie Dimon telling meddlesome regulators, anti-industry populists, know-nothing Congressmen, and hypocrite bastard newspapers where they can go and what they can suck. True, it’s not as though he’s gone anywhere, and he’s still reminding people “it’s a free fucking country” but “juggling multiple investigations and a $5.8 billion trading loss on wrong-way bets on credit derivatives” has left his hands a little tied and, some believe, cost him his once untouchable “stature” in the industry.

    And while one should never simply offer problems without solutions, Bloomberg isn’t gonna sugarcoat this one: when it comes to “any kind of credible statesmen” to step in for JD, Wall Street is shit out of luck and not just because no one besides Lloyd came close in sales of their respective Bankers At Work And Play pin-up calendars. Among current CEO’s, Lloyd Blankfein, Brian Moynihan and Vikram Pandit are deemed too busy “fixing their own firms or repairing their reputations,” while Wells Fargo chief John Stumpf, though respected among his peers, is ruled out due to geography (“Part of Jamie’s fitting into that role was his natural brashness as a Wall Streeter and New Yorker, and that is not John”).

    But hey, what about that James Gorman guy? Runs Morgan Stanley, is based in New York, has been known to put a foot up an ass when necessary? Don’t even get Bloomberg started.

    James Gorman, 54…doesn’t fit the Wall Street titan stereotype. The Australian prefers a rumpled tuxedo he bought as a business school student in 1980 to Armani for black- tie events, and he stocks Vegemite in the executive kitchen.

    Or maybe perhaps all that makes him perfect for the gig? The way we see it, Jim Gorman doesn’t have the time or patience for fancy extras like unwrinkled suits and burgers made from foie gras-fed cows. All he cares about is not taking shit, or prisoners. Someone asks him, “What is this Vegemite stuff,” he knocks their two front teeth out. You suggest maybe he could have ironed his shirt before that gala, he takes out that iron and smashes you in the face with it. You want a worthy successor for the job, you’ve got him.

    Wall Street Leaderless In Rules Fight As Dimon Diminished [Bloomberg]

    / Aug 21, 2012 at 4:32 PM
  • News

    Caption Contest Thursday

    “Swung by @JPmorganchase and got to see where all the action takes place.“ [Meghan Musnicki]

    / Aug 16, 2012 at 1:24 PM
  • News

    If You Work At JPMorgan And Are Thinking About Losing A Few Billion, Take Note

    “And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead,” Jamie Dimon recently told a bunch of school children. “The Whale has been harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated…I am going to bury its ashes all over.” [NYM]

    / Aug 13, 2012 at 3:39 PM
  • ORCINUS ORCA

    News

    You Misplace 5 Or 6 Billion Dollars And All Of A Sudden People Stop Trusting You To Keep Track Of Your Money

    When JPMorgan’s whale drowned a lot of people asked “where were the regulators?” and that was a silly question, because the people with the most incentive and ability to keep the whale afloat were, in descending order, (1) the whale, (2) the whale’s bosses, (3) the whale’s bosses bosses, (4) the regulators, and (5) the […]

    / Aug 10, 2012 at 2:25 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Still Reaping What Whale Boy Hath Sown

    JPMorgan can’t outrun the ripples from its multibillion-dollar “London Whale” trading blunder. The largest U.S. bank admitted Thursday in a federal filing that it pushed back a plan to resume share buybacks, scaled back several key measures of capital at the request of regulators and lost money on 28 trading days in the second quarter. […]

    / Aug 9, 2012 at 6:25 PM
  • News

    There Were Snacks At JPMorgan Today

    “Protesters outside 270 Park earlier this afternoon. They were giving out cake so Dimon can ‘have his cake & eat it too.’ Group called ChaseU.”

    / Aug 6, 2012 at 5:45 PM
  • This cash is awake.

    Banks, News

    Shadow Banking Is Just Like Regular Banking, Only Darker

    It feels virtuous every so often to take glance over at the triparty repo market. You get a nice dose of horrified vertigo and then go back to your life and don’t think about it for a while and that always feels better. Now is a good time to get back to it, what with […]

    / Aug 2, 2012 at 1:13 PM
  • News

    Bonus Watch ’12: JPMorgan

    Li’l Dimons started receiving numbers today.

    First year analysts (base 70k):
    Bottom tier: 40k
    Middle tier: 50k
    Top tier: 55k

    Second years (base 80k):
    Middle tier: 65k
    Top tier: 70k

    / Jul 30, 2012 at 4:55 PM
  • News

    4 Percent Of Americans Think Jamie Dimon Is Prepping His Bike To Jump The 526 Feet Between The Top Of JPMorgan Headquarters And The Roof Of The Old Bear Stearns Building

    In spite of JPMorgan Chase’s well-publicized loss of more than $5 billion, just 14 percent of Americans polled correctly identified C.E.O. Jamie Dimon as a New York banker. Sixty-six percent say they don’t know who he is, while 9 percent believe he’s a Texas congressman, 7 percent think he’s an X Games skateboarder, and just […]

    / Jul 30, 2012 at 10:47 AM
  • News

    JPMorgan: Not Breaking Up Any Time Soon

    One silly thing to think about JPMorgan’s executive reshuffling announced today is “fuck you Sandy Weill!” Before today JPMorgan looked a bit like a loose confederation of financial services businesses, including in particular three different institutional units: the Global Corporate Bank, a bank that lends money to companies, the Investment Bank, an investment bank that […]

    / Jul 27, 2012 at 12:24 PM
  • richard_handler--300x300

    News

    Bonus Watch ’12: Jefferies Wonders Aloud How Its Ass Tastes

    Jefferies set aside $870 million in the first six months of its fiscal year, enough to pay its 3,809 employees an average of $228,407. Goldman Sachs set aside $225,789 for each of its 32,300 workers. Average pay for the 26,553 people in JPMorgan’s investment bank was $184,989, or at least 18 percent less than Jefferies’s […]

    / Jul 26, 2012 at 12:30 PM
  • it's not over 'til it's over

    JPMorgan Whale Isn’t Finished Here

    JPMorgan’s chief investment office has lost $5.8 billion on the trades so far, and that figure may grow by $1.7 billion in a worst-case scenario, Dimon, the bank’s chairman and chief executive officer, said today. [Bloomberg, related]

    / Jul 13, 2012 at 1:12 PM
  • News

    Whaledemort’s Soul, Portfolio Broken Up And Hidden In JPMorgan Investment Bank

    Who wins the call-the-Whale-close? The headline number is a $4.4 billion loss this quarter but that is lower than it could have been because those losses propagated backwards through time: JPMorgan Chase & Co. (NYSE: JPM) today reported that it will restate its previously-filed interim financial statements for the first quarter of 2012. The restatement […]

    / Jul 13, 2012 at 8:38 AM
  • News

    Call The JPMorgan (Whale Loss) Close (Updated)

    Did Bruno Iksil make the bank -$2 billion? -$9 billion? -$20 billion? Was this all just a hoax and he actually didn’t lose any money at all? JPMorgan will let us know tomorrow at 7AM.

    Standard Price Is Right rules, closest without going over. Guesses in by 4PM today. Winner will receive his or her choice of a visit from the sandwich fairy, a highly coveted whale bath toy, or an I heart Dealbreaker button.

    / Jul 12, 2012 at 1:21 PM
  • News

    A Company Is In The Hole For $182 Billion, Hank Greenberg Can See The Merit In A Congressional Hearing But $2-9BN? Beat It

    “Many companies have transactions that go bad,” Greenberg said today on “In the Loop With Betty Liu” on Bloomberg Television. “Everybody’s not paraded down to Washington to testify.” “He handled it OK,” Greenberg said of Dimon, 56. “It was really outrageous to have the CEO come down and testify before Congress because of a transaction […]

    / Jul 9, 2012 at 6:39 PM
  • I did a search for "sarcastic clap" and this came up, it's just a coincidence that it's Dimon.

    Banks, News

    Banks Prove That They Are Not Too Big To Fail By Saying “We Can Fail” On A Piece Of Paper, Moving On

    One way you could spend this slow week is reading the “living wills” submitted by a bunch of banks telling regulators how to wind them up if they go under. Don’t, though: they’re about the most boring and least informative things imaginable and I am angry that I read them.* Here for instance is how JPMorgan would wind itself up if left to its own devices**:

    (1) It would just file for bankruptcy and stiff its non-deposit creditors (at the holding company and then, if necessary, at the bank).

    (2) If after stiffing its non-deposit creditors it didn’t have enough money to pay its depositors it would sell its highly attractive businesses in a competitive sale to willing buyers who would pay top dollar.

    This seems wrong, no? And not just in the sense of “in my opinion that would be sort of difficult, what with people freaking out about JPMorgan going bankrupt and its highly attractive businesses having landing it in, um, bankruptcy.” It’s wrong in the sense that it’s the opposite of having a plan for dealing with banks being “too big to fail”: it’s premised on an assumption that the bank is not too big to fail. If JPMorgan runs into trouble that it can’t get out of without taxpayer support, it’ll just file for bankruptcy like anybody else. Depositors will be repaid (if they’re under FDIC limits); non-depositor creditors will be screwed just like they would be on a failure of Second Community Bank of Kenosha.

    / Jul 5, 2012 at 10:40 AM
  • News

    Analysts Attempt To Call The JPMorgan (Second Quarter) Close

    Despite Jamie Dimon’s promise that JPMorgan will be “solidly profitable” for the quarter, some are skeptical given the growing estimates of Whale-boy’s losses. According Mike Mayo, the bank “will only make $727 million…including $4 billion of losses in the unit that made the bungled bet [though] if the losses exceed $5 billion, JPMorgan could make an overall loss.” Barclays’ Jason Goldberg thinks things are gonna be okay here, and sees the bank making $3.3 billion, assuming you know who will have only lost it $3 billion when all is said and done. And yourselves?

    Start considering your predictions now, as come July 13, there will be a visit from the Sandwich Fairy and a coveted bath toy for whoever comes closest without going over.

    Will The Whale Swallow JPMorgan’s Second-Quarter Earnings [Dealbook]

    / Jun 29, 2012 at 3:26 PM
  • News

    If One More Person Gives Jamie Dimon Shit About The London Whale Leon Cooperman Is Just Gonna Snap

    JPMorgan disclosed on May 10 that it had a $2 billion trading loss because of riskier-than-expected credit securities. Omega sold about two-thirds of its position the next day, taking a loss: The shares tumbled 9 percent on May 11, closing at $36.96. They traded at $36.78 yesterday. At Omega’s staff meeting in May, one of […]

    / Jun 28, 2012 at 4:59 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Expanding Risk Team After You Know Who Ruined Things For The Whole Class

    J.P. Morgan has added at least five new employees over the past month to the risk department in its Chief Investment Office, the unit responsible for trading losses that may have climbed to $9 billion, according to people familiar with the matter. The bank is expanding the risk unit as it responds to the trading […]

    / Jun 28, 2012 at 1:09 PM
  • News

    Boaz Weinstein Finished Having His Way With Big Fish

    Saba Capital Management’s Boaz Weinstein recently exited a now famous and profitable credit derivative bet against JPMorgan, according to sources familiar with the trade. In May, JPMorgan reported a $2 billion trading loss in its chief investment office, due to large bets on an obscure group of indexes that track the performance of corporate bonds, […]

    / Jun 26, 2012 at 5:02 PM
  • News

    Moody’s: Banks Do Things That Are Bad And Good And Bad For Them

    Moody’s Investors Service downgraded the debt ratings of 15 major international banks and securities firms on Thursday, a move that could cost the banks billions of dollars in extra collateral…U.S banks that were downgraded included: Bank of America, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan, and Morgan Stanley. “All of the banks affected by today’s actions have significant […]

    / Jun 21, 2012 at 5:54 PM
  • JPMorgan Flogging

    Representative Carolyn Maloney: Why Didn’t You Lose Billions Of Dollars In New York? What’s London Got That We Don’t?

    “Mr. Dimon, I thought you loved New York. Why did all this activity take place in London?”

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 12:18 PM
  • JPMorgan Flogging

    So What You’re Saying Is…It’s Possible

    Congressman: “Mr. Dimon, is it possible that JPMorgan could lose $2 trillion?”

    / Jun 19, 2012 at 12:15 PM

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