JPMorgan

  • This probably overstates the forcefulness of his return.

    Banks, News

    London Whale Swims Off Into The Sunset

    Hi Whale! I told you you were not forgotten. Not understood, either, but not forgotten. The London Whale now goes by the less adorable name “synthetic credit portfolio,” since all mammalian representatives of that portfolio have left for non-extradition countries. That is descriptive enough, or so I would have thought; my rough model of the […]

    / Oct 12, 2012 at 5:05 PM
  • Who could demote THAT FACE?

    Banks, News

    JPMorgan CFO Handsome

    JPMorgan did its third-quarter earnings call this morning, and even though the London Whale was a pretty minor presence on the call I was still going to throw up a picture of a whale here because (1) why stoke Jamie’s ego further and (2) who doesn’t like whales, but then the operator asked for closing […]

    / Oct 12, 2012 at 11:18 AM
  • Cows, how I have missed you

    News

    Even Ratings Agencies Are Unimpressed By Ratings Agencies

    There are many great businesses in the world but surely none is as great as being paid money not to do stuff. I was in that line of work for two glorious months in the summer of 2011 and I’m pretty sure it was the peak of my career. Counterintuitively this business is not always […]

    / Oct 10, 2012 at 7:19 PM
  • I feel like if your name is "Skelly" you're pretty much destined to find oil in your backyard. "Levine," not.

    News

    JPMorgan Sold An Equity Derivative To A Tulsa Oil Heiress Too Unsophisticated To Appreciate Its Beauty

    A core belief here at Dealbreaker HQ is that we’d be really good rich people.1 No conservative 401(k)s and unborn-children-college-funds for us; we’d dedicate ourselves to lives of sybaritic excess. For me, that means that if someone wants to die and leave me an oil fortune, I’ll be putting Morandis on the wall, DRCs in […]

    / Oct 10, 2012 at 4:30 PM
  • News

    Jamie Dimon Is Still Waiting For His Thank You For Buying Bear

    JPMorgan Chase Chief Executive Jamie Dimon said his company has lost up to $10 billion as a result of the government asking him to buy teetering Wall Street firm Bear Stearns during the financial crisis. “Someone said the Fed did us a favor to finance some of this or something like that. No no no. […]

    / Oct 10, 2012 at 3:52 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan’s Security Team Almost Didn’t Let This Happen

    Dimon recalls that when he e-mailed his senior executives, back in 2010, first proposing the JPMorgan Chase bus tour, which is designed to demonstrate to clients, employees, and important people around the country that the bank is a force for good in the world. But, as in almost everything related to JPMorgan, Dimon prevailed. “That’s […]

    / Oct 4, 2012 at 6:09 PM
  • Ina Drew

    News

    Ina Drew Spent Her Whole Life Preparing To Construct A Poorly Correlated Credit Macro Hedge

    You’ve all peered into Ina Drew’s soul by now, right? My basic reaction was, “she kicks it old school.” This is obvious from the way that she stayed in Short Hills after getting rich, instead of decamping to, like, the moon, I guess? More telling, perhaps, is the fact that she seems to have been […]

    / Oct 3, 2012 at 7:47 PM
  • News

    Ina Drew Was Something Of An Anomaly On Wall Street Because She Lived In An Upscale Town Where Many Other Rich Bankers Reside

    Drew was something of an unusual figure on Wall Street and not easily categorized. She was known for her small, girlish voice but could let loose with profanity when angered. She was the daughter of a Newark lawyer and had a reputation as a tough adversary but practically blushed whenever she spoke about her husband, […]

    / Oct 3, 2012 at 2:25 PM
  • Eric T. Schneiderman. In unrelated news, a Google image search for "shit breather" is not the unmitigated disaster that you might expect.

    News

    To Be Fair, Bear Stearns Never Told Investors That Its RMBS Deals Weren’t “Shit Breathers”

    So, subprime mortgage-backed securities. Here’s a schematic: Banks packaged subprime mortgages into bonds and sold them to people. Something. The bonds were bad and the people lost money. What’s the something? There are two main theories. Theory 1 says that everyone knew at some lizard-brain level that it was a bad idea to give lots […]

    / Oct 2, 2012 at 1:17 PM
  • REMEMBER ME?

    News

    The CDX And The Whale

    The OCC report on bank derivative activities is rarely what you would call a laugh riot but I enjoyed that the 2Q2012 one released today gives the London Whale a belated sad trombone: Commercial banks and savings associations reported trading revenue of $2.0 billion in the second quarter of 2012, 69 percent lower than the […]

    / Sep 21, 2012 at 1:29 PM
  • Newsflash People

    Jamie Dimon Shook Up JPMorgan Management Post-CIO Loss Because He God Damn Well Felt Like It, Will Support The Asinine Reforms Threatening To Destroy America On A Dark Day In Hell

    Jamie Dimon, the outspoken chief executive of JPMorgan Chase, sat down on Tuesday for what banking analysts called a “fireside chat” during the Barclays 2012 Global Financial Services Conference. Known for his hands-on management style and confident swagger, Mr. Dimon has been navigating the fallout from a rare misstep in his career after JPMorgan announced […]

    / Sep 12, 2012 at 11:50 AM
  • News

    US Authorities Are Investigating A Smaller, Sous Chef Of A Whale In JPMorgan’s CIO Office

    A fourth London-based JPMorgan Chase trader is under scrutiny in the investigation by U.S. authorities into the bank’s nearly $6 billion trading loss, according to sources familiar with the situation. Julien Grout, a trader who joined JPMorgan Chase in 2009, is drawing attention because he worked in the bank’s Chief Investment Office and reported to […]

    / Sep 6, 2012 at 1:51 PM
  • News

    Theory: JPMorgan Would Be In A Helluva Lot Better Shape If Jamie Dimon Would Take Four Months Vacation Each Year

    In her fascinating 1999 biography of J.P. Morgan,”Morgan: American Financier,” Jean Strouse writes, “He could, he said, do a year’s work in nine months but not in twelve.” Morgan would keep a workaholic’s schedule while in New York but would break for frequent trips to Europe, flopping around its spas to ward off depression and […]

    / Aug 29, 2012 at 6:01 PM
  • News

    Bloomberg: Not One Bank CEO Can Fill Jamie Dimon’s Shoes, Especially Not That Guy From Australia Who Doesn’t Own An Iron

    Earlier today, Bloomberg ran a lengthy piece about the latest crisis on Wall Street: a lack of Jamie Dimon. Specifically, a lack of Jamie Dimon telling meddlesome regulators, anti-industry populists, know-nothing Congressmen, and hypocrite bastard newspapers where they can go and what they can suck. True, it’s not as though he’s gone anywhere, and he’s still reminding people “it’s a free fucking country” but “juggling multiple investigations and a $5.8 billion trading loss on wrong-way bets on credit derivatives” has left his hands a little tied and, some believe, cost him his once untouchable “stature” in the industry.

    And while one should never simply offer problems without solutions, Bloomberg isn’t gonna sugarcoat this one: when it comes to “any kind of credible statesmen” to step in for JD, Wall Street is shit out of luck and not just because no one besides Lloyd came close in sales of their respective Bankers At Work And Play pin-up calendars. Among current CEO’s, Lloyd Blankfein, Brian Moynihan and Vikram Pandit are deemed too busy “fixing their own firms or repairing their reputations,” while Wells Fargo chief John Stumpf, though respected among his peers, is ruled out due to geography (“Part of Jamie’s fitting into that role was his natural brashness as a Wall Streeter and New Yorker, and that is not John”).

    But hey, what about that James Gorman guy? Runs Morgan Stanley, is based in New York, has been known to put a foot up an ass when necessary? Don’t even get Bloomberg started.

    James Gorman, 54…doesn’t fit the Wall Street titan stereotype. The Australian prefers a rumpled tuxedo he bought as a business school student in 1980 to Armani for black- tie events, and he stocks Vegemite in the executive kitchen.

    Or maybe perhaps all that makes him perfect for the gig? The way we see it, Jim Gorman doesn’t have the time or patience for fancy extras like unwrinkled suits and burgers made from foie gras-fed cows. All he cares about is not taking shit, or prisoners. Someone asks him, “What is this Vegemite stuff,” he knocks their two front teeth out. You suggest maybe he could have ironed his shirt before that gala, he takes out that iron and smashes you in the face with it. You want a worthy successor for the job, you’ve got him.

    Wall Street Leaderless In Rules Fight As Dimon Diminished [Bloomberg]

    / Aug 21, 2012 at 4:32 PM
  • News

    Caption Contest Thursday

    “Swung by @JPmorganchase and got to see where all the action takes place.“ [Meghan Musnicki]

    / Aug 16, 2012 at 1:24 PM
  • News

    If You Work At JPMorgan And Are Thinking About Losing A Few Billion, Take Note

    “And I want you to know the London Whale issue is dead,” Jamie Dimon recently told a bunch of school children. “The Whale has been harpooned. Dessicated. Cremated…I am going to bury its ashes all over.” [NYM]

    / Aug 13, 2012 at 3:39 PM
  • ORCINUS ORCA

    News

    You Misplace 5 Or 6 Billion Dollars And All Of A Sudden People Stop Trusting You To Keep Track Of Your Money

    When JPMorgan’s whale drowned a lot of people asked “where were the regulators?” and that was a silly question, because the people with the most incentive and ability to keep the whale afloat were, in descending order, (1) the whale, (2) the whale’s bosses, (3) the whale’s bosses bosses, (4) the regulators, and (5) the […]

    / Aug 10, 2012 at 2:25 PM
  • News

    JPMorgan Still Reaping What Whale Boy Hath Sown

    JPMorgan can’t outrun the ripples from its multibillion-dollar “London Whale” trading blunder. The largest U.S. bank admitted Thursday in a federal filing that it pushed back a plan to resume share buybacks, scaled back several key measures of capital at the request of regulators and lost money on 28 trading days in the second quarter. […]

    / Aug 9, 2012 at 6:25 PM

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