JPMorgan

  • 16 Aug 2011 at 7:17 PM

The Satisfaction Of Punching Each Other In The Face Was Totally Worth $20 Million to JPMorgan And Goldman Sachs

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When we saw that three boutique banks represented Google and Motorola Mobility in their deal, we were a little puzzled about why. Not that it’s unusual to hire Lazard, Centerview or Qatalyst, but after reading Felix Salmon‘s lament for the breathless pre-market M&A scoop we wondered if that supplied the explanation. Maybe Google and Motorola left out the big banks because they have kind of a deserved reputation for leaking deals, and because keeping news quiet is easier at a smaller shop than at a place with thousands of public-side employees? But on further inspection that theory kind of fell apart, as trading in MMI suggests that the deal may have leaked last week.

The New York Post has what seems to be the correct explanation: Motorola had actually spent a lot of time with full-service bulge bracket investment banks recently, and had come to the considered conclusion that they’re all a bunch of dicks.
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  • 10 Aug 2011 at 4:35 PM

Big Banks Want Rates To Go Up, Or Go Down, Or What The Hell Maybe Stay The Same

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Got that?

1. Brian Moynihan told Bruce Berkowitz this afternoon, “I’m comfortable we can get to 1% return on assets based on a 1.25%-1.5% Fed funds rate and a normal business cycle.” Moving to 1.5%-area short term rates would apparently add about $3 billion to BofA’s net revenue.

2. Jamie Dimon chatted with Melissa Francis this morning and told her:
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  • 10 Aug 2011 at 2:47 PM

Jamie Dimon Has A Bedtime Story For America

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Confidence is like a secret sauce. It is hard to measure…so here’s what I would say to the American people in total. When you go to sleep at night think about the following before you get depressed and you see the market down 500 points: This nation is still the greatest nation on the planet. It was the first democracy on the planet. We have the best military. God bless all our veterans all around the world. Those who have served and those who are serving today. We have the best universities, best military, best rule of law, most innovation, the hardest working ethic of all. Those thing will be here for decades. They aren’t going away. The strength in the system will blow your socks off when it gets out of this malaise we’re in. [CNBC]

  • 08 Aug 2011 at 11:47 AM

Lowering Fed Interest On Deposits Could Lead To Economic Growth And/Or Elderly Ladies Being Assaulted On The Street

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Last week we learned that robbing a bank is as easy finding a Sharpie and drawing yourself a beard. Today we find out courtesy of JPMorgan that not only is it extremely easy to pull off but banks want you to take the money off their hands. Continue reading »

  • 05 Aug 2011 at 1:10 PM

The Bonus You Want Is Just One Devastated Bank Teller Away

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Kasanova and his bonus bitches

Last week we discussed the concept of the Do It Yourself bonus, for those who anticipate a battle with management on comp this year. Rather than wasting your time negotiating, why not just take what you know in your plums you deserve? While successfully robbing a bank is as easy these days as scribbling on a fake beard, there are other options should you be uncomfortable with such an aggressive plan. For instance, you could put the moves on a couple of bank tellers and then watch as the identity theft-facilitating panties drop. Continue reading »

  • 02 Aug 2011 at 9:43 AM

Bonus Watch ’11: JPMorgan

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Junior mistmakers at the House of Dimon received their numbers yesterday afternoon. Continue reading »

  • 29 Jul 2011 at 1:15 PM

How Many Tender Little White Castle Burgers With Those Little, Itty-Bitty Grilled Onions That Just Explode In Your Mouth Like Flavor Crystals Can 3 JPMorgan Interns Eat In 5 Minutes?

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Three summer interns are about to go head to head. All are said to be of “medium build,” with two standing at about 5’11 and one at 5’5. Continue reading »