Justice Department

  • 18 Sep 2014 at 3:15 PM
  • Banks

An Offer You Couldn’t Possibly Want To Refuse

The Justice Department more or less exists to put people in jail. And in spite of what Antonin Scalia might think, banks are not people. At least, they aren’t people-y enough to put in jail. And that’s the point: You can file criminal charges against a bank, sure, but you probably won’t get to grandstand in front of a jury and will instead have to strike some sort of unsatisfying settlement that might not impress the white-shoe law-firm you’d like to join in a couple of years as much as a courtroom scalp.

You know who you can put into jail? Bank employees. Because bank employees are actual people whose physical personages can be placed behind bars. And if you’re a bank and you can help the Justice Department put some people in jail, it would sure be grateful. Full cooperation credit grateful. Read more »

  • 17 Jul 2014 at 1:55 PM
  • Banks

Justice Department Having Way Too Much Fun To Stop Suing Banks Now

It knows that it can’t keep Brian Moynihan hilariously squirming forever, so it’s looking for its next kicks. Read more »

To be fair, the Justice Department hasn’t actually thrown out that figure, but it did scoff at Brian Moynhian’s offer of $13 billion, so. Read more »

  • 09 Dec 2010 at 11:31 AM

This Is Why Jeffrey Gundlach Is Awesome

A lot people would probably tell you that bond investor Jeffrey Gundlach’s awesomeness stems from the staggeringly impressive sex toy and porn collection he kept in his office at TWC before he was fired/quit last year (itemized here). And while being Wall Street’s foremost dildo collector and having the entire Dr. Fellatio series, as in volumes 1-16, on hand is certainly something to admire someone for, it’s not actually the attribute that defines Gundlach or makes him stand out from the pack. Arguably, JG’s most defining characteristic– the one that just makes you want to squeeze his cheeks– is how much Jeffrey Gundlach loves himself some Jeffrey Gundlach. Read more »

Picture 166.pngAccording to an updated federal filing on Monday, the Justice Department has taken an interest in the split between investment firm TCW Group and its former CIO, Jeffrey Gundlach. While DoubleLine has confirmed that “some employees and former employees have been interviewed by the office of the U.S. attorney in Manhattan” and TCW has confirmed it received a subpoena and was informed “it is the victim in this particular matter,” it’s unclear exactly what aspect of the breakup the government is suspicious about. With so much to choose from it could be a) “the alleged theft of TCW’s information” by Gundlach, who left to start DoubleLine LLC b) whether or not government information related to a PPIP fund TCW dropped out of after Gundlach departed was “compromised” or c) if the items found in Gundlach’s office after he quit/was fired constituted an unfair edge, which they very well might have. To refresh, these items included:

DVDs:
Asian Office Sluts
Weapons of Ass Destruction
Read more »

  • 06 Dec 2010 at 11:59 AM

The Justice Department Feels So Betrayed

As was expected, the Justice Department announced just now that is has charged 500 people in its “largest-ever crackdown on scam artists.” According to officials, the losses cost victims millions in some cases with the total tab coming to $8.3 billion “These are staggering, staggering numbers,” Attorney General Eric Holder said. But you know what hurts more than the money? The lost of trust. Never again will these people be able to believe a money manager when he promises huge ass returns or when he says he has no idea why that tramp was sending him nude text messages. Thus, the name of the 3.5 month long investigation was appropriately named: Operation Broken Trust. Read more »

  • 06 Dec 2010 at 10:30 AM

Justice Department Has Some Fun Planned For Today

It involves handcuffs. Read more »