Ken Lewis

  • 30 Nov 2009 at 4:26 PM

Dick Bové No Longer Just Giving It Away For Free

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dickbove2.jpgLike many a lass from a respectable family, Dick Bové’s mother once cautioned her that no one’s gonna buy the cow when they can get the milk for free, and to “cover up those bosoms, you look like a floozie.” Unfortunately, Divé, young and full of hormones and headstrong like you wouldn’t believe, refused to listen to the advice (or to cross her legs in public). “Oh mother, you’re so old-fashioned,” she told Mrs. Bové as she got ready for the dance by stuffing her bra. Divé lost it that night, in the back seat of a Buick, to a guy she wasn’t going steady with (this was the 1930s, so a pretty big scandal) and from then on it was a different guy, or guys, every night of the week. Most mornings she’d wake-up in an alley off 42nd Street, fishnet stockings torn, no recollection of how she got there, or who she’d done along the way. And she was fine with this sort of existence. She didn’t care what people thought of her, and no one was going to tell her how to live her life. The mutters of “tramp” didn’t hurt, nor did the burning sensation when she peed. But then something happened. She met a guy.
His name was Ken. And she knew he’d turn out to be the greatest banker in all the land. And she knew it was wrong, but she was just so scared he’d think she was damaged goods or something, so she told a little lie, about how he was the only man Bové had ever been with, and not the 937th. Their children would most likely be punished down the road because mommy used to go slumming but at least she could give Ken this. And a funny thing happened after that. Bové started to like not being such a two-bit whore. Unfortunately the pimps and the druggies were still under the impression she was up for a good time and would drop by the house during dinner, much to KL’s disturbance; and Bové knew what she needed to do. Start demanding a little respect. And she would start by respecting herself:

Research by prolific banking analyst Dick Bove won’t be as widely available for at least the rest of the year and possibly longer, as his employer aims to preserve its value. Selected reports will be available to the media on a case-by-case basis. But the full research reports will no longer be readily available to reporters and other non-clients, Bove said Monday.

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  • 20 Nov 2009 at 2:40 PM

Dick Bové: Bank Of America Should Beg Ken Lewis To Stay

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richardbove.JPGThings have been pretty dark for Dick Bové ever since her man, the “brilliant” Ken Lewis was essentially forced out of his job. Other analysts, the colder, unfeeling ones probably wouldn’t have taken it so personally, but Lewis is Bové’s guy and she can’t help it, this hurts, bad (also, she’s just always been a sensitive and highly strung person). Sorry if that’s too much for you to handle but Ken Lewis meant a lot* to the Rochdale rising star. It felt good and empowering to lose it in a tear-stained note to clients, in which she put the words “No other banker in this country can equal Mr Lewis’s achievements and yet every banker wishes s/he could” out there but it didn’t change anyone’s mind and she’s just felt completely helpless for almost two months now. She knows she should be strong for KL but she just can’t. She’s lost weight, she’s gained weight, she’s gone on booze-fueled sex rampages wherein she’ll fuck the first thing in her line of vision, in an attempt to silence the pain but nothing’s helped.
This morning when she woke up underneath a pile of empty pints of Ben and Jerry’s after crying herself to sleep, she couldn’t even summon the strength to get out of bed. But then, something happened. In the other room, she heard Charlie Gasparino’s voice on CNBC, which she’d left on the night before. Lewis’s name was mentioned and, at first, figuring CG was just going to be talking shit about her man, Bové pulled the covers over her head. Then Chaz started saying something about how the board still hasn’t found a replacement and Divé shot out of bed. She ran into the other room wearing only the oversized tee-shirt bearing Lewis’s face she’d had made a few years ago. Biting her nails in fear that her ears were playing tricks on her, Mrs. Lewis (someday?) rewound the DVR. It was true! BAC still hasn’t come up with an ideal candidate willing to take the job. Feeling like her old self for the first time in a long time, she sat down to write. And write she did.

“Mr. Lewis was a key architect in the creation and management of Bank of America. He knows this company better than anyone else and he knows how to operate it,” Bove wrote in a research note issued early Friday morning. “At this point in the company’s history, this is the type of leader needed. Convincing him to return would be the biggest morale builder that management could get.”

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  • 20 Nov 2009 at 1:19 PM

Bank Of America Board To Lock Themselves In A Room Sunday Night And Not Come Out ‘Til They Come Up With Someone Willing To Take Over For Ken Lewis, Maybe

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Charlie Gasparino reports that the Bank of America board “really, really” wants to finally pick someone to take the job of boozing it up at happy hour and then returning to the office and saying “How ’bout we do Merrill this time? That’ll be fun.” According to Gasparino, BAC is in a rush to get it done because they’re “sick of all the controversy surrounding the selection” and also maybe perhaps because Ken Lewis is out of there in like 5 weeks, so it would be nice if they could figure this out before then. A source of Chaz claims they’re going to try and do so this Sunday, though given that the board still pretty much as no idea who they want (or who’s desperate enough to take the gig) it will likely be a long night. For reasons lost on us, they’re still yet to get in touch with John Thain, who remains ready and willing.

  • 18 Nov 2009 at 9:49 AM

John Thain Says He Never Threw A Chair, Is Willing To Take Bank Of America CEO Job

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johnthainwrestlingteamcaptain.JPGWe’ve been saying for a while that John Thain is the ideal candidate to take over Bank of America, as a) he’s unemployed and b) he could use his power to equip every men’s room with the line of urinal cakes bearing Ken Lewis’s mug he’s been working on in his spare time. Yesterday at the Reuters Global Finance Summit, JT finally got on board. He didn’t specifically name-check the bank no one wants to run but obviously the admission that he’s looking for a job in private equity “or perhaps a public company” was wink-wink for the board to get in touch, as was the “call me” gesture. (Thain further hinted that BAC is at the top of his “dream gigs” list by elaborating for any headhunters in the audience that he’s looking for a “challenge.” Read between the lines Lewis and tell JT how his ass taste.) After making sure everyone in the audience had a copy of his resume, Thain moved on to address another issue that’s been weighing on him for a while now, which is the hideous suggestion by the Times that at one point during his time at Merrill “he halted a meeting with his chief financial officer and hurled a chair against the wall, shattering a nearby glass panel.”

“That was 100 percent made up,” he said. “Do I seem like a guy who throws chairs?” asked Thain. “That conference room doesn’t even have a glass wall,” he added.

Plus, HELLO? Who here doesn’t know by now that an enraged Thain slips into a onesie and horrifies onlookers by shadow wrestling on the mat, not by throwing furniture.

  • 13 Nov 2009 at 4:51 PM

There’s A Possibility Corzine Will Maybe Take Over At Bank Of America (Though Not If Dick Bové Has Anything To Say About It)

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Picture 18.pngJohn Carney reports he’s hearing that Jon Corzine’s staff is “already prepping to take over at Bank of America.” This strikes us as slightly premature on the staff’s part, as, Carney goes on to say, “there haven’t been any formal talks” between JSC and the Bank of America board. (Also: why would Papa Bear’s employees, as in his employees while Governor, assume they’d be going with him to BAC?). If it’s true though, and this really does look like it’s going to happen, J.Co will have to first deal with Dick Bové.

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  • 12 Nov 2009 at 12:07 PM

Worst Job On Wall Street Update: Boardroom Follies

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ken-lewis-21.jpgThere’s a new job requirement for the next Bank of America CEO, should one ever be found: dealing with a completely dysfunctional board of directors.
The U.S.’s largest bank continues to devour itself in its search for a successor to the apparently irreplaceable Ken Lewis. And so the firm will miss its second self-imposed deadline to name a winner of the Worst Job on Wall Street contest. There will be no new BofA CEO by Thanksgiving, leaving the bank little more than a month before Lewis’ resignation takes effect.
Not content to ravage the bank with his acquisition of Merrill Lynch and acceptance of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Federal Reserve chief Ben Bernanke as his liege lords, Lewis seems to have picked the worst possible time to resign. You see, at the Federal Reserve’s request, the bank had just tossed half of its board and added six new directors, and this board has simply failed to “gel,” according to the FT. So when Lewis surprised them with his resignation in September, they didn’t know what the hell to do.

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  • 09 Nov 2009 at 9:57 AM

Ken Lewis’s Final Days

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As we’ve seen, it’s become pretty clear that no one wants the Worst Job on Wall Street. This morning, The Wall Street Journal explains precisely why.

Kenneth D. Lewis never imagined his eight-year run as chief executive of Bank of America Corp. would end this way.
He had faced a year of headaches big and small. His mother nudged him about paying back the $45 billion of aid his bank got from the federal government. As he pondered his future during a Colorado vacation in August, a bear rummaged through the refrigerator in his mountain home. But what drove the banker out the door was his inability to get along with Uncle Sam.

It gets worse.

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