Kweku Adoboli

  • 21 Sep 2011 at 12:52 PM
  • Banks

UBS Suggests Employees Savor This Weekend’s Pebble Beach Outing, As Next Year’s Event Will Be Held At The Hartford Pitch ‘N Putt

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Put it in your purse

Less than a week ago, UBS announced that profits for the third quarter may not be what they were hoping for, as a result of a trader named Kweku Adoboli losing the bank $2.3 billion dollars. Tensions have been running a bit high since then, on account of many employees wondering if a) they’ll be the lucky recipient of a zero dollar bonus this year or b) they’ll still have a paycheck period by the end of the year. While management can’t make promises on either front, they may be able to do one better. Do the sounds of waves crashing, some complimentary rounds of golf and a few days out of the office that will afford you the time to conduct phone interviews with other shops sound like something you’d be interested in? If you answered yes, consider this your lucky day. Continue reading »

  • 19 Sep 2011 at 12:24 PM
  • Banks

UBS Investment Bank Chief Urges Employees To Remember Firm’s Legitimate Months

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Carsten Kengeter, head of UBS’ investment banking division, sent a rallying message to staff on Sunday night urging them to “move forward forcefully and decisively” following the disclosure of $2.3bn of losses from unauthorised trading…Mr Kengeter e-mailed staff saying the incident should not “undermine our hard won achievements since the crisis.” [FT, related]

  • 19 Sep 2011 at 11:53 AM
  • Banks

Bonus/Layoffs Watch ’11: UBS Failing To See The Considerable Upside To $2.3 Billion Loss, Says Analyst

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As you may have heard, UBS announced last week that it’d lost about $2 billion, a ballpark figure that the bank said today is actually closer to $2.3B. Separately, you may have also heard that the past several years? Have not been the best of times for the Union Bank of Switzerland, which has been plagued by layoffs, shitty bonuses, and mandates where, for instance, employees have been forced to run out and buy ties and then told “nevermind, you don’t need them” after it’s too late to make a return for anything but store credit. The news that a rogue trader named Kweku Adoboli had racked up a loss massive enough to potentially wipe out third quarter profits would be viewed by most as the latest kick in the pants for the Swiss bank, and presumably not something management would be pleased to hear. Or would they? According to one analyst, Adoboli may have just solved their problems. Continue reading »

  • 16 Sep 2011 at 11:01 AM
  • Banks

Was Yesterday The Worst Day For UBS In The History Of A Billion Universes?

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Nah, it was much worse.

Some people have questioned the “proclivity of UBS for getting involved in fiascos in which the bank believed it was taking relatively little risk but ended up losing large amounts of money” and a risk management policy that (really!) consisted of “still don’t lose any money, but do more.”

You might feel justified in those doubts about UBS risk management after reading (1) that stuff about the guy who lost all the moneys and (2) this:
Continue reading »

  • 16 Sep 2011 at 10:51 AM
  • Banks

Kweku Katastrophe Prompts ‘If You See Something, Say Something’ Reminder From JPMorgan

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Don’t let one bad apple ruin it for the rest of us- be vigilant, my beautiful babies. Continue reading »

  • 16 Sep 2011 at 10:27 AM
  • bonuses

Bonus Watch ’11: UBS Might Not Be Paying Out Bonuses In The Traditional Sense Of The Word

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Will you be thanked for your hard, non-rogue-esque work over the year? Probably. Will you receive any actual money? Probably not. Continue reading »

  • 16 Sep 2011 at 9:47 AM
  • Banks

Facebook ‘Friends’ Find Unimaginably Cruel Way To Kick Kweku Adoboli When He’s Down

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As the users of Mark Zuckerberg’s poking machine among us can attest, there are many things you can expect from your Facebook friends. You can expect that they’ll keep you abreast of every insignificant moment of their entire lives. You can expect that they’ll post public affirmations about being “stronger than this” following a break-up or a shitty lunch. You can expect that, when taking a trip, they’ll let you know the flight number, when they’re on the way to the airport, going through security, sitting at the gate**, waiting to take off, defying the request to power down their phone, losing said battle, touching down on the runway, waiting for their bags and still thinking about the person across the aisle who gave them a weird vibe. You can expect that they’ll upload countless photos of their trip with at least one set devoted to posing (alone) on the beach like they’re shooting the god damn Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, having forced their travel companion to play photog. You can expect that they’ll assume you want to be friends with their household pet. You can expect that they’ll ask you to send positive thoughts into the universe when said pet when it comes down with a common cold.

As a card-carrying member of Facebook, UBS trader Kweku Adoboli was aware of the social contract one enters when becoming friends with people on the ‘book and held up his end of the bargain, dutifully ‘liking’ the status messages of friends forced to sit through 30-minute delays at Heathrow and keeping his fingers crossed that Mr. Fluffernutterbigglesworthjosecanseconiner would recover soon. Which is why it must have stung pretty badly when, after all he’s done for his so-called friends, they couldn’t toss him one bone and help him out of a tight spot. Continue reading »