Lloyd Blankfein

  • News

    Blankfein Face: The Next Generation

    A couple weeks ago, we brought to your attention Lloyd Blankfein’s face. It’d been on display at the Financial Crisis Inquiry, in all it’s whatchu talkin about Willis/you people are idiots/I could kill you and nobody would know about it glory. The stink eye, the scrunched face, glaring like nobody’s business at anyone who happened […]

    / Feb 2, 2010 at 3:53 PM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs Spokesman Lucas Van Praag Would Like Bonus Speculators To Take A Bow

    Earlier this morning we mentioned a story by the Sunday Times which claimed, according to “bankers at Davos,” that Lloyd Blankfein would be taking home a $100 million bonus this year. We asked Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas Van Praag for his thoughts on the report. His short answer, via Larry Summers, can be found here. […]

    / Feb 1, 2010 at 12:37 PM
  • News

    Betting Man Says Lloyd Blankfein Will Be Out In Two Years

    A senior London-based investment banker has apparently bet that Lloyd Blankfein will be out at Goldman Sachs within two years and he said he would back it up with millions of pounds. Asked about the wager over Mr. Blankfein, Goldman spokesman Lucas van Praag said: “It is preposterous that The Wall Street Journal would even […]

    / Feb 1, 2010 at 12:04 PM
  • News

    Lloyd Blankfein Will *Possibly* Receive A $100 Million Bonus, According To A Tipsy Vikram Pandit

    Just kidding– it might’ve been a sloshed John Mack. Or Brian Moynihan, taking a page from his predecessor’s playabook. Or maybe it was Nouriel Roubini’s favorite cocktail waitress at the neighborhood piano bar who told the Sunday Times LB will be taking home a unit this year. The paper claimed its sources were “rival bankers” […]

    / Feb 1, 2010 at 10:53 AM
  • News

    Jon Winkelried Abandoned Lloyd Blankfein For A Stud

    When Jon Winkelried, former president and co-chief operating officer of Goldman Sachs, left 85 Broad last year, all we knew was that he’d had some personal “liquidity issues” a few months prior, and was bailed out by the firm. It was unclear exactly as to why he was leaving the nest though many assumed Lloyd […]

    / Jan 26, 2010 at 11:30 AM
  • News

    Citi Seems To Care More About Haiti Than Other Banks, God’s Included

    Jessica Pressler’s analysis reveals that God’s “work” has less to do with helping victims of a horrific natural disaster than front-running clients (completely kidding Blanksie…completely kidding I’m serious but it doesn’t change how I feel about you). And sort of surprisingly,* Wall Street’s biggest welfare recipient, the Big C, is the one most visibly rolling […]

    / Jan 15, 2010 at 2:03 PM
  • News

    Old Man, This Time Sans Dog, Shoots Off Warning Signal To Goldman Sachs

    Maria Bartiromo: So you think Goldman is to blame for AIG? Hank Greenberg: Oh yeah. And there’s more to come out. Earlier: “We’re dealing with a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces are not in the box. Bit by bit, we’re getting the pieces. The pieces are failing into place and the picture on the […]

    / Jan 14, 2010 at 4:45 PM
  • News

    Introducing: The Lloyd Face

    As previously mentioned, one of the greatest things that went down at yesterday’s Financial Crisis Inquiry was the aggressive and plentiful display of Lloyd Blankfein’s mug. The stink eye, the scrunched face, it was all spectacular. Whether it was waiting for Bill Thomas to finish his magnum opus on email, preparing to cut a bitch, […]

    / Jan 14, 2010 at 12:10 PM
  • News

    Live-Blogging The Bankers

    9:07 Why does Mack look huge? 9:09 Blankfein: Goldman Sachs was started in 1869 by a guy named Marcus Goldman. Today, we may or may not employ a guy related by blood to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. 9:11 Blankfein: “size matters.” (Sheryl Weinstein nods gravely while watching from home.) 9:16 FYI, Goldman was profitable in […]

    / Jan 13, 2010 at 9:07 AM
  • News

    PETA Asks Goldman Sachs To Think Of The Homeless Cats And Dogs

    Back in November, Goldman Sachs was successfully guilted into adopting a bunch of orphaned kitty cats. They were found on the site of bank’s new headquarters, and after being publicly shamed for not taking care of the furballs, Lloyd and Co really had no other choice but to take ‘em in themselves. So I don’t […]

    / Jan 12, 2010 at 2:10 PM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs Sued By Shareholder Over Bonuses, Again

    Back in December, Goldman Sachs put a 14-page presentation on its website detailing the metrics they use to award compensation (naturally, it’s by scrot-size). They didn’t have to, but because they care deeply for their shareholders, wanted to just, you know, be up front about everything. No more secrets, no more bull shitting, just straight […]

    / Jan 7, 2010 at 2:52 PM
  • News

    Area Man Really Sticks It To Evil Bankers

    This may be something you don’t want to hear but needs to be said: god bless Eliot Spitzer. Yes, the disgraced former governor has no power of any kind anymore, or the ability to persecute Wall Streets wrongdoers (the thing he used to get off most on, even more so than illicit tail). That much […]

    / Jan 4, 2010 at 1:46 PM
  • News

    Move Over, Beard

    And suck it, Gretchen Morgenson. Here’s the real man of the year. Master of risk who did God’s work for Goldman Sachs but won it little love [FT]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 10:18 AM
  • News

    Does Goldman Sachs’ Coffee Taste Like Ass?

    Maybe! And it wouldn’t be the first time Lloyd and Co. tried to break morale via unconscionable snack and beverage conditions. According to a mole, Goldman apparently stocks the cheapest, worst generic coffee imaginable in its staff kitchens – despite protests from the caffeine-deficient. “It’s beyond horrible,” explained our source. “You work a lot of […]

    / Dec 22, 2009 at 12:00 PM
  • News

    The 25 Most Powerful Men In Finance: Only Includes Four Goldman Sachs Employees?

    According to Institutional Investor, yes (Lloyd Blankfein, Gary Cohn, David Heller, and Richard Friedman, who the magazine insinuates has some job security in the fact that his wife is a gal-pal of Laura Blankfein). Also included, Jamie Dimon, obviously, who beats out LB for slot number one, Bob Diamond (4), Brady Dougan (5; really?), Tom […]

    / Dec 15, 2009 at 10:40 AM
  • News

    Lloyd Blankfein, John Mack, Dick Parsons Will Miss Meeting With Obama Due To “Inclement Weather”

    Sooo…this happened. Don’t worry, though, they’re gonna be conferenced in and won’t miss a thing (and Blankfein will get to do it sans pants, as is his wont. Everybody wins). Other excuses they considered going with: * All three had cramps (they’re on the same cycle) * Car trouble * Too hung over * Just […]

    / Dec 14, 2009 at 11:25 AM
  • News

    What Do Tiger Woods And Lloyd Blankfein Have In Common?

    The premise of this article is that both have run into PR debacles, as a result of their huge egos. But surely there must be more? So far we’ve got: * Both leave shady voicemails for their bitches * Both work for organizations that pride themselves on being bastions of elitism– one excludes Jews, the […]

    / Dec 7, 2009 at 11:40 AM
  • News

    Neel Kashkari Undermines Lloyd Blankfein

    Apparently Neel Kashkari was not read in on the God at Goldman storyline. “That’s the thing,” Kashkari blurts across the table. “I started praying when I came to Treasury. At Goldman, I didn’t pray. Not once. ‘Cause I just didn’t care. At Treasury, there were so many times.” Earlier: Neel Kashkari Has A Message For […]

    / Dec 7, 2009 at 10:32 AM
  • News

    The Poor, Tortured Life Of Goldman Sachs

    A lot of people think that life inside Goldman Sachs is just the tits. In reality, that assumption could not be further from the truth. Yes, it is true that they never lose money, the government is at their beck and call, their clients ask to be front run (it’s an honor), and the twice […]

    / Dec 1, 2009 at 11:52 AM
  • News

    Caption Contest Tuesday

    Lloyd Blankfein and Gary Cohn, daring you to even suggest their exposure to AIG was anything but immaterial. Don’t say it. Don’t even think it. You are, however, welcome to suck on their prestige. [Annie Leibovitz, Vanity Fair]

    / Dec 1, 2009 at 9:42 AM
  • News

    God Not Pleased With House Lloyd Blankfein Built

    And here’s what he’s doing about it! If he’s told you fuckers once, he’s told you a thousand times– “do not cheap out on the new pussy palace.” And yet, here you are, going to Home Depot and just buying any old piece of easily shattered glass you can find, instead of the good stuff. […]

    / Nov 30, 2009 at 10:00 AM
  • News

    Buy Lloyd Blankfein’s House (NOW ON SALE)

    Lloyd and his wife Laura has been comfortably ensconced in their new pad in 15CPW for over year now, where neighbors include people like Sandy Weill, Daniel Och, and Dan Loeb and each apartment comes equipped with an auto-fellatio room in order to meet the needs of the esteemed residents. Unfortunately, LB has been having […]

    / Nov 25, 2009 at 12:16 PM
  • News

    Has Lloyd Blankfein Stopped Reading The Papers?

    One Jabroni Pony, perhaps maybe bristling at the fact that Lloyd has chosen not to take his career advice, say yes. Is it true? The JP believes it is so, down in his gut. Do the rumblings have anything to do with some bad pork product last night? Unclear. Anyway, bigger question: if the nitrates […]

    / Nov 23, 2009 at 4:59 PM
  • News

    Divine Sanction For Goldman’s New MDs (Update)

    The ranks of the elect are growing: Goldman Sachs has named 272 new managing directors. Apotheosis for God’s chosen few is scheduled for New Year’s Day. Thereafter, it’s all milk, honey and million-dollar bonuses, but they’ve earned it, so sayeth the Prophet Blankfein. Writeth the prophet in the e-mail announcing the promotions, the newly-minted MDs […]

    / Nov 19, 2009 at 1:19 PM
  • News

    Charlie Gasparino Has A Suggestion For Lloyd Blankfein

    Charlie Gasparino called Lloyd Blankfein a “twerp with half a nut” the other night and if you thought that was just CG being affectionate, you thought wrong. Chaz is sick of “this guy.” He’s sick of his charitable contributions, he’s sick of him running his mouth, he’s sick of the look on his face. It […]

    / Nov 18, 2009 at 3:37 PM
  • News

    Does Lloyd Blankfein Need To Apologize To His Own Employees?

    As you’re aware, Lloyd Blankfein apologized yesterday for “participating in things that were clearly wrong,” because Goldman is “very concerned” about its reputation, and who doesn’t love a good “Sorry, I was wrong,” particularly done in public to up the humiliation factor? Obviously LB and Co are hoping it’s enough to silence all the peasants […]

    / Nov 18, 2009 at 12:19 PM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs Does Fast Damage Control On Cat Story– What Else Can We Get Them To Do?

    Earlier this morning, a report came out that Goldman Sachs, after promising to pay the vet bills and find homes for five kittens discovered on the site of their new headquarters this past August, had neither paid the bills nor found houses for those cats. Now, like magic, Goldman has put out a statement* that […]

    / Nov 12, 2009 at 12:30 PM
  • News

    God’s Minions Work Harder, Faster, Smarter Than Everyone Else

    So it makes sense that they should be compensated accordingly. Not sure why this needs to be reiterated but for those of you who just don’t get it: “I often hear references to higher compensation at Goldman,” said Mr Blankfein at an industry conference on Tuesday. “What people fail to mention is that net income […]

    / Nov 11, 2009 at 10:05 AM

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