• News

    Hold Bill Ackman’s Calls

    The hedge fund manager is having A DAY.

    / Oct 21, 2015 at 2:59 PM
  • jefferies


    Jefferies Distressed Debt Team Lost A Little Money

    You win some, you lose ($100 million) some.

    / Aug 28, 2015 at 2:17 PM
  • philfalcone


    Phil Falcone Doesn’t Need Any Maror On His Seder Plate Next Week

    Not just because he’s not Jewish, but also because, according to Dealbook, he’s already got […]

    / Apr 11, 2014 at 5:18 PM
  • News

    Advanced Accounting Philosophy: Americans, Europeans Differ on the Existential Question of Bank Losses

    When is a loss a loss? That is the question.

    / Mar 7, 2013 at 5:40 PM
  • News

    Commerzbank Is Not Having A Great Day

    Actually, Commerzbank is having a bad few months. It turns out that a whole mess of deferred tax-accruals and the hangover from having gone into business in the Ukraine add up to a roughly $1 billion loss for the fourth quarter.

    / Feb 4, 2013 at 5:27 PM
  • News

    Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

    The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon’s professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon’s life, a JPMorgan trader’s multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: “America’s Least Hated Banker”) to defend. While it’s unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon’s judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale’s bosses, and The Whale’s bosses’ bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD’s halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered.

    Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said.

    “When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open…Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away.

    So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as “the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating”). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He’s going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon. Next, it’s time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore “surprises.” Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JMPorgan Outdoor Club is officially disband. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He’s going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.)

    Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]

    / May 21, 2012 at 1:37 PM
  • News

    Citi Clients Not As Understanding As Firm Would’ve Thought About Funds That Lost Them Their Entire Investment, Currently Being Investigated By The SEC

    From 2002 to 2007, Citi raised $2.8 billion from clients to invest in a couple […]

    / Nov 8, 2010 at 8:39 AM
  • News

    Do A Lot Of Hedge Funds Bounce Back From 86 Percent Losses?

    I’m not asking for myself, I’m asking for Ebullio Capital Management, and its founder, Lars […]

    / Mar 16, 2010 at 1:30 PM
  • News

    Devastating News From Citadel

    Don’t worry, investors, returns are still a’ poppin’. But I cannot in good conscience not […]

    / Dec 18, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    RBS Proud Of Important Learning, Character Building Experience
    Reports Losing Shit-Ton Of Money

    “I think that the use of the word loss in this case is pejorative and […]

    / May 13, 2008 at 4:55 PM
  • whoops

    Blind Item

    Which hedge fund lost a “metric fuckton” (not to be confused with the somewhat larger […]

    / Feb 27, 2008 at 11:39 PM
  • News

    Jerome Kerviel: Charting His Trades

    Our eyes were already glazed over when we finally turned our attention to the the […]

    / Feb 21, 2008 at 3:39 PM