love

Shhh, he didn't mean it.

Shhh, he didn’t mean it.

As those of you who keep up with the Life And Times of Steven A. Cohen know, there are few things on this earth that the hedge fund manager despises more than his first bride, Patricia Cohen. So despite the fact that she has been suing him nearly five years; is, in the words of his lawyer Martin Klotz, “harass[ing] and embarrass[ing] Steven,”; and, at this point, wants what represents approximately 1/900000th of his personal wealth, the SAC Capital founder continues to refuse to settle this thing privately and throw her a dime. While merely casual observers of the Big Guy assumed that Patty’s recent victory, wherein she “won permission as part of a 25-year-old divorce battle to question him about any lies he may have told related to wrongdoing at the hedge fund” would’ve gotten him to budge, SAC Scholars know better.

“It’s a bit of a head-scratcher,” said Anthony Sabino, a business law professor at St. John’s University in New York, who has followed the case. “He’s been pilloried in the press. You’d have to think he is sick and tired of that and would like to get out of the spotlight. It’s baffling why he just doesn’t say, ‘Here’s the money, why not leave us alone?’”

For the record, here are a list of things Steve Cohen would rather do than give his ex-wife satisfaction, monetary or otherwise: Read more »

stevecohen (1)Also about how he had “no idea” who might’ve been responsible for sideswiping Tim in accounting’s driver side mirror, despite the fact that he was seen peeling out of the parking lot at the time of the incident. This upcoming bout truthiness brought to you by Cohen’s ex-bride, Patricia C. Read more »

  • 11 Nov 2014 at 8:00 AM

Sage Kelly’s Wife Is Sorry About…Y’Know…

The KellysChristina Kelly, the soon-to-be ex-wife of (on leave) Jefferies banker Sage Kelly, who she recently accused of mistaking their bed, wall, and floor for a toilet; holding an official “Mushrooms Day“; and pressuring her to engage in a foursome with a Jefferies client and the guy’s girlfriend, would like to apologize and also go on record in an official statement as saying Sage is a top notch father. Although she doesn’t give Jefferies CEO Richard Handler and fellow senior execs an explicit shoutout, she may or may not be referring to them and the preemptive piss-in-a-cup day they felt the need to hold when she references “people at Jefferies” who were “affected” by she and her husband’s divorce proceedings. Read more »

Sage KellySome words you don’t often hear senior Wall Street execs say aloud are “I have never defecated or urinated in bed, on the floor or a wall.” And yet, Sage Kelly, Global Head of Healthcare Investment Banking at Jefferies, said exactly that in court papers this week, in response to allegations by his wife that he’s mistaken all of those places for a toilet, in addition to other stuff re: copious drug use, “foursomes,” and “wife-swapping.” Read more »

Robert Soros and New Lady FriendMelissa Schiff, wife of George’s oldest son Robert (now involved with a naked canvas artist), is going after more than a dream apartment on East 85th Street. Read more »

stevecohensaccapitalThis December will mark five years since Patricia Cohen, Steve’s first wife, came back into his life with the fury of a thousand Preet Bhararas. To celebrate, he’s going to smother her with a pillow. Just kidding, that’s for year six. For five, he’s going with this: Read more »

  • 23 Oct 2014 at 10:00 AM

Ken Griffin Introduces The Concept Of His Divorce Voice

It's The Griffins!As those of you keeping up with the conscious uncoupling of Kenneth Griffin and his soon-to-be ex-wife Anne Dias Griffin know, both the Citadel founder and his bride have been playing the hardest of ball re: marital assets, reputations, etc, since he filed for divorce over the summer, maintaining, through their attorneys, that each other can suck it. For her part, Anne has alleged that Ken:

  • Surprised her divorce papers while she was on vacation with their three children
  • Had a couple’s therapist he was seeing on his own convince her to sign a pre-nup
  • Is an absentee father
  • Changed the locks on their houses
  • “…threatened to demolish part of the family’s primary Chicago residence”

In response, Ken has:

  • Reminded Anne about the time he dressed up “as Spider-Man for a school Halloween party and as a prince for a daughter’s birthday party”
  • Reiterated that if Anne thinks she’s getting a dime more the prenup stipulates, she oughta think again

…and most recently, said in court filings that 1. Use of his private jet is privilege, not a right and 2. What she might have interpreted as terrifying verbal abuse was simply how he talks when he’s divorcing someone and not cause for alarm. Read more »