Mark Madoff

  • 05 Feb 2010 at 3:17 PM

Mark And Andy Madoff’s Asses Frozen

Picture 106.pngYou know who it sucks to be right now, just a little bit? Me, because our servers are momentarily fucked 6 (thousand) ways ’til Sunday, 1 out of every 789 attempts at publishing is successful (like this one, if you’re reading it!), and most people can’t get on the site anyway. You know who else has also seen better days? Mark and Andy Madoff, who recently signed agreements with Irving Picard, the trustee overseeing the liquidation of Bernie “Known In M&A’s Houses As ‘You’re Not Our Real Dad!'” Madoff’s estate. The agreements require the spawn of Berns to, among other things, have their personal assets frozen, not rack up debt of more than $1,000, and submit monthly expense reports wherein the fish fetishists will be copping to spending 5 large apiece on top of the line fishing vests that promise to make your dick look huge (“in the event you get the opportunity to drop trou out there“) and you don’t even want to know how much on bespoke restraints that’ll fit most bass. Other people singing It Sucks To Be Me today include John Paulson and Citi (nothing happened just, you know, in gen). So I’m going to mosey on out of here circa right now. Things will be better on Monday, and if they’re not, for a nominal fee I’ll come to your offices and perform my posts live, sock puppets included. Actually, I might do that regardless.
Update: Surely it’s no coincidence that somehow I’m able to get in to spread the word that Lloyd Blankfein will be taking a mere $9 million bonus (no cash) this year, and likely donating all the shares to a fund set up for curing feline AIDS.

andymadoffcatherinehooper.pngLast week we lamented the fact that it’s been difficult for former Madoff employees to find new jobs, in the wake of their boss admitting his business was a Ponzi scheme. Our heart bled for two in particular: Mark and Andy Madoff. They’ve really had a rough go of it. So far all they’ve encountered are No’s and Mark has cried during interviews. There were rumors that Andy was considering starting “a firm involved in disaster recovery” but we figured he’d sooner take up with the fish, never to be heard from again. Turns out, maybe not! Supposedly Andy and his girlfriend, Catherine Hooper, have started Black Umbrella, a company that “builds practical, efficient disaster plans for individuals, couples and families,” in the event of a disaster, be it natural or of the financial variety. Sign up today!

markandandymadoff.jpgI’ve been wondering for some time now whether or not being employed by Madoff Securities when Bernie made his big reveal would be the professional equivalent of pulling a Ping, i.e. taking a piss in an underling’s mouth, i.e. would it make it difficult for you to find future work at a firm that doesn’t have the sort of outside the box thinking that allows for such things. Apparently, the answer is yes, particularly if you share DNA with the Ponz Master. Yes, my pets, it’s true– Mark and Andy Madoff, employees 2 and 3, sons 1 and 2, have been having difficulty finding work. Like they have a bad rap or something. It’s gotten so bad that they might just have to start their own firms. They’ve also started crying in front of other people, as is their wont.

Mark Madoff, who worked at Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC for more than 20 years, climbing up the ladder to director of proprietary trading, recently met with at least two Wall Street contacts to get their opinions on whether he could find another job in finance, people familiar with the discussions say. He talked about working on a trading desk or in trading technology, asking one person to keep him in mind if he hears of any openings.
“He’s untouchable in any firm that deals with the public,” says someone who talked to Mr. Madoff. He was near tears while describing his feelings about his father, the person added, asking why anyone would bring his son to work at a crooked investment firm. Another person approached by the 45-year-old Mr. Madoff was told by his lawyer not to respond.

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  • 16 Oct 2009 at 1:11 PM

Do Not Fear: Mark Madoff Is Going To Be Alright

markmadoff.jpgHe just needed a little alone time, okay? Things have been really stressful lately, what with daddy going to prison, and Irving Picard trying to take all his money, and a lack of sandwich shop employees stiff. And, of course, the fish. They’ve just been so different since everything went down. Cold. Standoffish. Distant. So when the wife started harping the other night, whereas brother Andy would’ve broken down and started crying, Mark dealt with it like a man, and ran away from home.

Sources said Mark had a bitter argument with his wife, Stephanie, in their SoHo apartment Wednesday night. At about 8 p.m., Mark stormed out of the Mercer Street apartment.

And came back.

He returned an hour later and resumed the verbal sparring, sources said.

And left again. But this time he really meant it. How did Mark show he was serious? If you answered “by hopping on a scooter,” you’d be right.

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markmadoff.jpgFish. Glistening, scale-y, sexy as hell fish. In case you wanted to see how one half of the Spawn of Satan is coping these days, we’re told Mark and his wife Stephanie are renting a place in Montauk, where they’ve been holed up for at least a week. No word on whether or not sandwich shop employees or coffee house baristas are getting stiffed on tips but despite last week’s not great-ish news that Mark, his brother, their cousin and uncle were being sued for $199 million, there’s a chance Ponzi Boy Jr. is in good, generous spirits.

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