massages

As you may have heard, later today Jamie Dimon will once again testify on Capitol re: a certain whale’s multi-billion dollar losses. Unlike last week’s hearing, conducted by the relatively reasonable Senate Banking Committee, this time Dimon will face questions and screeching from the relatively bat-shit House Financial Services Committee, a group of people we hope will not hold back. Yet despite the HFSC’s history of making witnesses look good, not matter how egregious their offense, by conducting inquiries in a manner that would suggest recreational bath salts abuse by the Congressmen and women, Bloomberg’s Tom Keene was still worried earlier this morning about Dimon’s ability to navigate the hearing.  One person who wasn’t? Keene’s Bloomberg TV Surveillance guest Meredith Whitney. According to the analyst, Dimon be more than fine and while we’re on the subject, not that you asked, she can think of another bank CEO who’d crack under Congressional questioning on account of the fact that he doesn’t have Dimon’s eyes, which you could get lost in. Read more »

  • 21 Jul 2010 at 10:40 AM

Jeffrey Epstein Is A Free Man

The massage enthusiast’s year-long house arrest has come to an end today (it was preceded by jail time), The Daily Beast informs us with the no-frills headline “Billionaire Pedophile Goes Free.” What will Epstein do with his freedom? Will he head to Dubai, as has been suggested? Will he make the trip out to Beamers, where there’s a reasonable assurance the girls are over 14? Will he remain in Palm Beach, having come to appreciate the asses o’ octogenarians? I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I do know, though. There’s only one way to commemorate this occasion. And I think you know what I’m talking about. Read more »

  • 14 Jul 2010 at 11:32 AM

Attention Women Of Dubai Ages 14-17

Break out the massage oils, ladies “Jeffrey Epstein will be a free man next week when his year-long probation ends. The billionaire, who’s been under house arrest since last July, will no longer need permission to travel. A source said Epstein — a registered sex offender because he pleaded guilty to soliciting teenage masseuses for sex — plans to move to Dubai.” [NYP]

Charlie Gasparino wears a lot of hats. Financial journalist. Former Golden Gloves hopeful. Son of an iron worker. Myoplex spokesman. First and foremost, though, he’s a New Yorker. And not just any New Yorker, but one with a taste for the finer things in life. As such, he’s better equipped that most to make restaurant, hotel, and shopping recommendations for anyone looking to impress their relatives in for a weekend in the big city. Chaz has a whole list of establishments, for every occasion (except for where to go if you’re looking to make the panties drop, which he claims he hasn’t done in years, and massages or similarly fruity-type shit).

FAVORITE RESTAURANT: San Pietro on 54th between Madison and Fifth. A very close second is Fresco by Scotto on 52nd between Madison and Park

BEST STEAKHOUSE: Sparks Steak House

BEST DESSERT: Sicilian cheesecake at Veniero’s Pasticceria and Caffe in the East Village

BEST PLACE FOR A ROMANTIC DATE: I’m married; can’t remember the last time I had one of those

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Picture 178.pngRBS moved into its new building in Stamford, an 11-story palace on I-95, almost a year ago. So there’s been loads of time for anyone interested in making the team feel bad about the fact that despite having 84 percent of its ass owned by the British government and the massive taxpayer bailout, the bank shelled out the money to build one of the most enormous and impressive trading floors in the world, where employees needn’t leave headquarters to grab a few drinks and watch whatever Olympic event tickles their fancy, as there’s a sports bar conveniently located inside. And yet. Today the Times seems to go out of its way to to point out that RBS, “the British version of Citigroup or the American International Group,” should be embarrassed to inhabit this place, rather than something more in line with their success, like the parking lot of the Howard Johnson in Riverside.

Like A.I.G., the British bank has been the target of many attacks by unhappy taxpayers, including protests during the Group of 20 summit meeting in London in April 2009 and a snowball barrage on some of its workers in London two months earlier that became popular images on the Internet. Last month, the British singer Billy Bragg rallied a crowd in Hyde Park in London to demand that R.B.S halt bonus payments.
And so, five time zones away, executives in R.B.S.’s American outpost are a bit cautious as they give a tour of their new offices, a $500 million building designed in 2006. “It’s very bull market,” said Michael Lyublinsky, co-head of global banking and markets for R.B.S. in the Americas…the 11-story building would probably stir the ire of British taxpayers already reeling from a government bailout of more than $71 billion at today’s exchange rate. But perhaps luckily for the workers here, those taxpayers are an ocean away.

Did the company ever consider “canceling the move in light of the bank’s problems,” the Times would like to know? Fuck no they didn’t, and let me tell you why. Reason number one: the cash bonuses they didn’t pay their employees for the past several years mostly made up for the costs associated with building this place. You know this is true because members of the staff were in such financial straits that they had to steal money from the firm. Reason number two: it’s not like they didn’t try to be sensitive to what people might think, which is why that sports bar? Was re-branded a “coffee bar.” And reason number three: it makes everyone feel really good about themselves.

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