As we type, Mike Mayo and Vikram Pandit are having their long-awaited meeting. Prior to the sit-down, Mike Mayo released his “briefing book,” detailing the shit he planned to nail Citi to the wall for. Given his anger over not being invited over to the bank for the last two years, and the ensuing acting out by telling people that Citi is “not to be trusted” and that not even Jamie Dimon could save that shit-hole, one would presume Mayo’s list of reasons for why the bank will soon be consigned to the scrap heap of corporate history would be unimaginably damning. Here’s what he came up with. Continue reading »
Mike Mayo
It’s common knowledge among womenfolk that when one has a big date or otherwise nerves-inducing event to attend, the best way to tame those butterflies is to wear something that makes you feel hot (and/or do some shots beforehand). When you look good you feel good and when you feel good you can focus on the task at hand. For Mike Mayo, that date is Friday, when he meets with Vikram Pandit, the man who jilted him, for the first time in two years. Continue reading »
Recently, Mike Mayo has gotten into a bit of public with Citigroup. To recap, a few weeks back, the analyst started telling clients and whoever else will listen that the bank is inflating its profits and needs to a write down $50 billion of deferred-tax assets. For the offense, Citi apparently froze Mayo out, denying him any and all access to Vikram Pandit. This, being the worst thing you can do to a person, made Mayo hit harder, musing that maybe we can’t trust Citi at all. Somewhere along the way Charlie Gasparino got wind of all this and made it public, meaning Citi had to be all, “Mike Mayo? LOVVVVE him. There’s no freeze out, Vik’s just been really busy finalizing his fantasy football team, is all.” Citi has graciously extended an offer for Mayo to come over on October 1, which he’s accepted, at which time they probably think a little face time and sweet talking from Uncle Vik will be all that’s necessary to get Michael to upgrade Citi to “fucking awesome” in his book. According to Charlie Gasparino, that may not be the case. Mayo’s next note will more likely be along the lines of “we are about two quarters from consigning this dump to the scrap heap of corporate history.” Continue reading »
For the most part, you can’t swing a BD without knocking into someone who would rate Jamie Dimon on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “love that guy” 10 being “I’ve built a shrine to his cock at my desk.” Notice I said “FOR THE MOST PART.” Last week a guy on Facebook suggested he’d rather not be counted among the Dimon worshipers and today, in the midst of an otherwise glowing article about JD, Mike Mayo throws some hate in the direction of the House of Dimon.
“They are not Wells Fargo when it comes to retail banking. They are not American Express when it comes to credit cards. They are not BlackRock when it comes to asset management,” said Michael Mayo of Credit Agricole Securities. “And JPMorgan is not Goldman Sachs in emerging markets.”
Well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man. Furthermore, you think a guy who’s achieved the same level of fame as the woman who put the cone bra on the map is losing much sleep over what you think, boy? Continue reading »
So Mike Mayo said earlier that Citi “may have to write down about $10 billion in deferred tax assets in the fourth-quarter” and Steve Liesman reports that the House of Vikula had this to say in response: “We have no idea how analysts came to this conclusion.”
Here were some earlier drafts of the statement which would’ve been released had a media representative not intercepted :
* WTF?
* Is he insane?
* No seriously, Mayo, what are you smoking?
* We got nothing.
* What a whackjob this guy is
Maybe that sort of shit would fly with, I don’t know, Meredith Whitney, but not with this guy. Dimon should count himself lucky it requires too much effort on Mike’s part to unshackle the Mayo Jar, which is kept taped down during the day so as not to scare small children who are at eye-level with it, otherwise he’d be in the awkward position of having to tell people how his teeth got knocked out.
We’re all for unrelenting mockery of the Citi that never sleeps. That much should be obvious. But can we get a ruling on how much longer the story about Dollar Dominatrix Meredith Whitney downgrading the C in October is allowed to be discussed before we move on to more recent anecdotal evidence of the ‘group earning its You Suck recommendation, like CEO Vikram Pandit taking naps in the handicapped bathroom when that sort of behavior is expressly forbidden? The most recent instance, from the August issue of Bloomberg Markets Magazine, is actually not so painful in its rehashing of the tale, partially because it brings up a good point: Deutsche Bank’s Mike Mayo, and not Whitney, was actually the first to downgrade Citi, though she’s the one who’s gotten all the glory (attention she professes to “love”). But mostly because it brings up this:
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