negotiations

  • 13 Jul 2011 at 3:13 PM
  • Banks

How To Rebuild A Bank And Change The World

By Bess Levin

Listen up, people. From time to time around these parts we like to offer you How To Guides, to getting your shit done. Most recently we laid out the steps necessary to getting any bonus you want. Those who followed the instructions were more than pleased with their numbers come D-Day. Those who did not were laughed out of the room. Today’s How To is a bit more next level. On the surface it’s about how to run bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing. But as literally anyone can do that, we’re not going to waste our time. Instead, we’ll be showing you how to take a failing bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing and turn that shit around. It’s the difference between not having anyone to answer to when you decide to put a bronze casting of your balls in the lobby and have a giant-sized rendering of said balls replace those of the bull on Wall Street. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started we’re going to offer a bunch of tips we’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:

1. How to handle the succession plan with the current (and outgoing CEO): As you may or may not even be employed by the firm you’re about to take over, the fact that you’re naming yourself head honcho may come as a shock. Deal with it thusly: walk into his office, inform him you’ve acquired 51% of the company and that as such, “I’m fucking in, and you’re fucking out. Now get the fuck out of my chair.” Continue reading »

  • 01 Feb 2011 at 2:45 PM

Steve Cohen Plays Hard Ball With The Mets

By Bess Levin

As you’ve more than likely heard, the New York Mets are in a bit of a tough spot, on account of getting screwed financially by their investments with Bernie Madoff. They announced last week that they need to sell a minority stake and the organization has been working the phones trying to find a buyer, with zero success so far. Included in the list of people who have turned them down? Steve Cohen. The hedge fund manager, who has a box at Citi Field, was reportedly “adamant” that he wouldn’t shell out any amount of money without getting a say in the direction of the franchise. But disappointed Mets management shouldn’t take this as a hard no. Continue reading »

  • 20 Aug 2010 at 10:30 AM

How Much Is CNBC Willing To Pay For A Domain Name?

By Bess Levin

On the one hand, cnbcglobalheadquarters.com is a bit clunky. On the other, the network’s anchors announce at least once a segment that they’re “broadcasting live from CNBC global headquarters,” so maybe it’s worth something to them, branding-wise. The real question is, are they willing to negotiate with the convicted criminal currently holding the url hostage, who goes by the name #1 Stunna and is willing to sell it for no less than $100 million? Apparently Stunna has reached out to CNBC already but so far, there’s been no interest,** though he knows they’ll eventually come around if they know what’s good for them (“Stunna states that the lawyers that work for CNBC ‘must be clowns’ to not see the value in that as a domain name”).

**Or they may simply be intimidated by the pictures of Stunna wearing a Raiders hat sitting a crotch rocket.