• 02 Apr 2014 at 5:19 PM

JP Morgan Fugutive Open To Dropping Fugitive Status

A lawyer for a former JPMorgan Chase & Co trader accused of helping to hide trading losses tied to a $6.2 billion financial scandal said on Wednesday his client was open to leaving France to voluntarily face U.S. criminal charges. Julien Grout, the former trader, is accused of participating in a conspiracy to hide losses within JPMorgan’s Chief Investment Office in London by marking positions in a credit derivatives portfolio at inflated prices. He and another one-time trader at the bank, Javier Martin-Artajo, are considered fugitives by the U.S. government for not coming to the United States to face trial over charges stemming from the so-called London Whale scandal. But at a hearing in federal court in New York, Marc Weinstein, a lawyer for Grout, told U.S. District Judge George Daniels that talks were under way with prosecutors about a bail package that would enable Grout, a French citizen, to come to the United States. [Reuters]

Yes, he said that he’ll stay ’til this thing gets done but FYI, he’s already booked a one-way ticket out of this dump and it’s nonrefundable, so if you think he’s gonna just stand by while you people fumble around and fuck everything up, thereby prolonging his stay in this asylum one day longer, think again! Read more »

  • 13 Jul 2011 at 3:13 PM
  • Banks

How To Rebuild A Bank And Change The World

Listen up, people. From time to time around these parts we like to offer you How To Guides, to getting your shit done. Most recently we laid out the steps necessary to getting any bonus you want. Those who followed the instructions were more than pleased with their numbers come D-Day. Those who did not were laughed out of the room. Today’s How To is a bit more next level. On the surface it’s about how to run bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing. But as literally anyone can do that, we’re not going to waste our time. Instead, we’ll be showing you how to take a failing bank/hedge fund/private equity firm/financial institution of your choosing and turn that shit around. It’s the difference between not having anyone to answer to when you decide to put a bronze casting of your balls in the lobby and have a giant-sized rendering of said balls replace those of the bull on Wall Street. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started we’re going to offer a bunch of tips we’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:

1. How to handle the succession plan with the current (and outgoing CEO): As you may or may not even be employed by the firm you’re about to take over, the fact that you’re naming yourself head honcho may come as a shock. Deal with it thusly: walk into his office, inform him you’ve acquired 51% of the company and that as such, “I’m fucking in, and you’re fucking out. Now get the fuck out of my chair.” Read more »

  • 20 Aug 2010 at 10:30 AM

How Much Is CNBC Willing To Pay For A Domain Name?

On the one hand, is a bit clunky. On the other, the network’s anchors announce at least once a segment that they’re “broadcasting live from CNBC global headquarters,” so maybe it’s worth something to them, branding-wise. The real question is, are they willing to negotiate with the convicted criminal currently holding the url hostage, who goes by the name #1 Stunna and is willing to sell it for no less than $100 million? Apparently Stunna has reached out to CNBC already but so far, there’s been no interest,** though he knows they’ll eventually come around if they know what’s good for them (“Stunna states that the lawyers that work for CNBC ‘must be clowns’ to not see the value in that as a domain name”).

**Or they may simply be intimidated by the pictures of Stunna wearing a Raiders hat sitting a crotch rocket.

  • 03 Aug 2010 at 4:12 PM

Bonus Negotiations: How To Get ‘Em Done

Listen up, people. It’s never to early to start talking year-end bonuses and in order to ensure you’ll be making it rain, today we’re going to talk about this: strategy. Pick a number, any number. Visualize that number. What is it? A unit? A buncha units? You want it? You can have it, so long as you arm yourselves with the tools to go get it. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started I’m going to offer a bunch of tips I’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:

1. You must–must!– have a wing-negotiator. I don’t care if it’s a first year analyst, an intern, or the receptionist, you need someone who’ll be there to a) back you up but most importantly announce your entrance. You will wait outside the conference room and he/she will go in and let everyone know, “Alright, you suits, prepare yourselves for [your first name]-motherfucking [your last name].” Read more »