Northwestern Mutual

It probably wouldn’t be too out of bounds to say that at least a handful of you have considered jerking off in a coworker’s water bottle. Conservatively. As prudent risk managers however, you’ve held off until you could quantify how much non-reward you would be getting with each unit of risk. Finally, and not a moment too soon for some, we got answers. Read more »

If you’ve been wondering lately whether or not you’d actually go to jail for putting semen- your own or otherwise- into the water bottle of an unsuspecting coworker, but felt weird about asking and didn’t want to arouse suspicion, wonder no longer. Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions, as well as performing a blind taste test at home using a sample obtained from her fiancee? He pleaded guilty in February and was sentenced last week to time in jail, among other things. Read more »

Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions? He was found guilty yesterday and today, we finally have some clarity on why he did it and how his victim found out.

First off, the discovery of the crime. The first time it happened, MKL’s coworker (identified only as “Tiffany G”) unknowingly took a swig and tasted what she “believed” to be semen but wasn’t sure. “I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said. The second time she decided to test her theory. After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was. Read more »

These days, if you work on Wall Street and want to let people know that underneath that button down shirt and black pants beats the heart of an absolute freak, you’ve got to step up your game. If you’re going to get your name out there, it’s not enough to simply sexually assault a female colleague– you’ve got to manhandle her breasts with your feet. It’s not enough to sodomize an underling, you’ve also got to piss in his mouth. And if you’re going to “release an offensive material in a public space”– in this case, the material your semen– that space must be your co-worker’s water bottle. Twice. Michael Kevin Lallana knows what we’re talking about. Read more »