• 14 Nov 2012 at 12:44 PM

Goldman Sachs Changes 70 People’s Lives

The following employees successfully made it through the “vigorous cross-ruffing” process and were inducted into the partnership this morning, after receiving a congratulatory call from Lloyd and an extra special visit by Gary, wherein the chosen few got to stick their grundles in his face. Read more »

The phone call lasts just a few seconds. The words “congratulations, you’ve become a partner,” are just about all Lloyd Blankfein, the boss of Goldman Sachs, will have time to say to the 85 or so bank high-flyers he will ring next Wednesday to invite into one of the most prestigious and lucrative cliques on Wall Street…Those aspiring partners who pick up their phones next week and hear not Blankfein’s New York tones but, perhaps, the more familiar voice of their divisional boss on the end, will know their time has not come. Some will walk. But others, as Sherwood puts it, “will go back to their desk, and work hard” and try again in two years’ time. [Guardian, Earlier]

Each year, after a long and very comprehensive background check, a lucky group of Goldman employees are abducted from their desks, blindfolded, gagged, and led by candlelight through a dark hallway and into a subterranean conference room. Standing on the table before them are Lloyd Blankfein, Gary Cohn and the rest of the management committee, who ask if they are prepared to pledge their devotion to the firm above all else. Those who agree have their nether regions dipped in a vat of gold and, at the stroke of midnight, are inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. While there are many ways that becoming a member of the club will change one’s life, the most important one involves the partaking of astronomical profits on payday. As a result, when people are not invited to join the group, they tend to get very upset. For instance, hedge fund manager David Tepper, who became a billionaire many times over after leaving the firm, was still so upset about the snub twenty years later that he bought and bulldozed the house of the guy who passed him over. Others probably wouldn’t have even gone to the trouble of buying the place first, and operated the wrecking ball themselves. Which is why we say in full seriousness that the Partnership Committee might want to watch its back this year. Read more »

Every fall, previously in the basement of 85 Broad and more recently at 200 West, Goldman Sachs names a class of new partners. Blindfolded and naked, they pledge their devotion to the firm. To commemorate the event, and for the practical purpose of tagging them so their status at the firm can be quickly verified with one quick drop of trou, these newly-made partners have their nether regions dipped in a vat of gold, which harden while Lloyd Blankfein gives a speech about how to carry oneself differently once they reach the upper echelons of GS (literally, as those things will drag if you’re not careful). At the stroke of midnight, as a baby seal barks in the corner, they are inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. And while one is more than welcome to benefit, monetarily, from this new position, being a member of the Brotherhood is less about sharing in its huge ass profits than it is making sure the partnership stays long and strong. Some people, apparently, did not read that portion of the fine print. Read more »

  • 19 Jan 2011 at 2:05 PM

Someone Get Matt Taibbi On The Horn

The Times has something huge on you know who. Read more »

While Stephen Colbert is all good with Wall Street bonuses, he is aware that 70% of American playa-hatas are not. He’d like someone making it rain this year to come on his show and make people understand why they money is deserved but so far no one has accepted his offer. Luckily, one of his writers found a lost credit card belonging to a Goldman Sachs partner last week. Specifically, the MasterCard of Buckley T. Ratchford, who was inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach in 2006. Read more »

  • 17 Nov 2010 at 1:15 PM

Goldman Sachs Changes 110 People’s Lives

In a basement at 200 West late last night, Lloyd Blankfein named the firm’s new partners. Blindfolded and naked, they pledged their devotion to the firm and promised to share in its huge-ass profits. At the stroke of midnight, as a baby seal barked in the corner, they were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. If you see one of the following people on the street, setting off metal detectors within a 5 mile radius with the gold rods in their pants, ask them if they need anything– be it a mint, a fluffer, a mouth to stuff and discard bills in denominations of less than 100 in or a body to walk across so they needn’t dirty their shoes by letting them touch the street. And for god’s sake, BOW DOWN– you are in the presence of greatness. Read more »