partners

  • lloyd-blankfein-and-gary-cohn

    News

    Goldman Sachs Changes 78 People’s Lives

    The following employees successfully made it through the two-year “cross-ruffing” process and were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach this morning. Be sure to send them a congratulatory message at some point today; right now they’re with HR, receiving instructions on how to operate their newly promoted nether regions, which were dipped in gold […]

    / Nov 12, 2014 at 12:46 PM
  • lloydblankfeingarycohngoldmansachs

    News

    What To Expect When You’re Expecting To Make Partner At Goldman Sachs

    After two long years of a highly uncomfortable process called “cross-ruffing,” today is the day a small group of Goldman Sachs employees’ lives will be forever altered. In addition to the physical change that will result from the new partner status– their genitals will now a emit a light similar to that of a glowing […]

    / Nov 12, 2014 at 11:32 AM
  • lloydblankfeingarycohn

    News

    Goldman Sachs Changes 70 People’s Lives

    The following employees successfully made it through the “vigorous cross-ruffing” process and were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach this morning.

    / Nov 14, 2012 at 12:44 PM
  • lloyd-blankfein-and-gary-cohn1-260x193

    News

    A Third Group Will Lay In Wait For Twenty Or So Years Before Bulldozing The House Of The Guy Who Did This To Them

    The phone call lasts just a few seconds. The words “congratulations, you’ve become a partner,” are just about all Lloyd Blankfein, the boss of Goldman Sachs, will have time to say to the 85 or so bank high-flyers he will ring next Wednesday to invite into one of the most prestigious and lucrative cliques on […]

    / Nov 9, 2012 at 4:46 PM
  • Lock up your Hamptons Houses

    Goldman Sachs To Offer More Would-Be Partners Opportunity To Go David Tepper On An Executive’s Ass This Year

    Each year, after a long and very comprehensive background check, a lucky group of Goldman employees are abducted from their desks, blindfolded, gagged, and led by candlelight through a dark hallway and into a subterranean conference room. Standing on the table before them are Lloyd Blankfein, Gary Cohn and the rest of the management committee, who ask if they are prepared to pledge their devotion to the firm above all else. Those who agree have their nether regions dipped in a vat of gold, genuflect before Cohn’s groin, and, at the stroke of midnight, are inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach. While there are many ways that becoming a member of the club will change one’s life, the most important one involves the partaking of astronomical profits on payday. As a result, when people are not invited to join the group, they tend to get very upset. For instance, hedge fund manager David Tepper, who became a billionaire many times over after leaving the firm, was still so upset about the snub twenty years later that he bought and bulldozed the house of the guy who passed him over. Others probably wouldn’t have even gone to the trouble of buying the place first, and operated the wrecking ball themselves. Which is why we say in full seriousness that the Partnership Committee might want to watch its back.

    Goldman Sachs has begun vetting potential new partners and is expected to appoint a smaller number of bankers to its upper echelons this year, according to senior executives involved in the process… The nomination process for new partners ended during the summer. The internal vetting process began earlier this month and is expected to last until mid-November when the new class of partners will be announced. The vetting process is known within the bank as “cross-ruffing”, in reference to a manoeuvre from the card game bridge and typically sees a team of partners deployed to every division to talk to employees who know the candidates.

    [FT, related]

    / Sep 26, 2012 at 2:13 PM
  • GC: That sunscreen's not gonna rub itself in

    Would-Be Goldman Partners Will Have To Work Extra Hard This Year To Gain Brotherhood Of The Sach Status

    As Goldman Sachs shrinks, its elite inner circle will also be getting smaller. The Wall Street firm is expected to name fewer than 100 new partners this fall, one of the smallest classes in recent years, according to people briefed on the matter but not authorized to speak on the record…The selection process for new […]

    / Jun 7, 2012 at 12:12 PM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs Partners Put Own (Liquidity) Needs Before Those Of The Firm

    Every fall, previously in the basement of 85 Broad and more recently at 200 West, Goldman Sachs names a class of new partners. Blindfolded and naked, they pledge their devotion to the firm. To commemorate the event, and for the practical purpose of tagging them so their status at the firm can be quickly verified […]

    / Mar 29, 2011 at 11:37 AM
  • News

    Someone Get Matt Taibbi On The Horn

    The Times has something huge on you know who.

    / Jan 19, 2011 at 2:05 PM
  • News

    Stephen Colbert Threatens To Give Out Goldman Sachs Partner’s Credit Card Number Unless He Comes On Show

    While Stephen Colbert is all good with Wall Street bonuses, he is aware that 70% of American playa-hatas are not. He’d like someone making it rain this year to come on his show and make people understand why they money is deserved but so far no one has accepted his offer. Luckily, one of his […]

    / Dec 14, 2010 at 9:07 AM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs Changes 110 People’s Lives

    In a basement at 200 West late last night, Lloyd Blankfein named the firm’s new partners. Blindfolded and naked, they pledged their devotion to the firm and promised to share in its huge-ass profits. At the stroke of midnight, as a baby seal barked in the corner, they were inducted into the Brotherhood of the […]

    / Nov 17, 2010 at 1:15 PM

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