Phillies

  • 19 Oct 2011 at 2:01 PM

8 Year-Olds, Dude

By Bess Levin

You know who is the fucking rake? Underperforming kids who don’t meet their quotas around the officehouse because they’re messing around doing god know’s whatstandard kid stuff rather than keeping their eyes on the ball. This is particularly grating, the Journal reports today, for Type A parents who can’t understand how they gave birth to children who have no appreciation for making quarterly revenue targets. Take Ron Mattocks’ employ-I mean kids, for example. Three out of five of them bust their asses to get shit done, having realized at a young age that life? Is one big performance review, and you’d better deliver. Then you have Avery and Sawyer, 8 and 7 years-old, respectively. Not even sure where to start with these guys.

Mattocks, a former real-estate sales executive and Army captain, is a Type A personality. He is ambitious, drives himself to achieve and usually succeeds. One job that really tests his limits, though, is raising two laid-back Type B kids. When his stepdaughter Avery, 8 years old, or his son Sawyer, 7, starts to daydream and wander away from a chore,* Mr. Mattocks occasionally erupts. “The first thing out of my mouth is, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ ” he says.

Oh, these two slackers chap Mr. Mattocks’ hide something fierce and while he’d love nothing more than to fire them without pay like, yesterday,** their lack of ambition is nothing compared to their spirit animal across the pond.

Imagine, if you will, that you are London-based portfolio manager Scott Krase. Your initiative and work ethic have translated to tangible results. You married Christine, “a teacher, violinist and former competitive swimmer who earned straight A’s through grad school,” and your models indicated that together, you’d produced a more than acceptably motivated child. And then this happened. Continue reading »

  • 03 Nov 2009 at 8:48 AM
  • Sports

Phillies Win, Threaten To Undermine The Recovery

By John Shazar

phils.jpgPHILADELPHIA–The New York Yankees failed to end the World Series last night with a victory over the Philadelphia Phillies. For the superstitious among you, especially the Yankee fans, there’s an extraordinarily stupid “study” that says you should be extra fearful of a Phillies comeback in the series.
Since 1930, when the Yankees have taken home the Commissioner’s Trophy, the U.S. gross domestic product has grown an average of 5% in the following year. On those exceedingly rare occasions that the Phillies are the last team standing, things don’t go so well: In 1981, a year after the Phils’ first-ever championship after 97 years of futility, the economy grew a paltry 2.9% amidst sky-high interest rates and 7.5% unemployment. This year, the reigning champs have presided over what seems likely to be negative economic growth.
Here’s still more reason to root for the Bronx Bombers: The only other time these two teams have met in the Fall Classic, in 1950, the Yanks swept the Phils, leading to a prosperous 7.7% increase in GDP in 1951.

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