I submit to you that Michael Dell’s “presentation to investors” filed today will tell you everything you need to know about Dell, even if you don’t read it. Just look at it! Here, for instance, is the slide justifying the $13.65 price that Michael Dell and Silver Lake are paying to LBO the company:

Why is this a PowerPoint presentation? It’s all like this – 8 pages of dense bullet-point text, no graphics, no charts, no tables, no nothing. Just words. In complete sentences. Write a letter, man! You run a computer company. You have made a serious error in choosing the right software for your purposes.

The message of the presentation is the same mildly confusing message that Dell has been pushing for a while: Read more »

A couple weeks back, we went on the record to say that John Paulson was in the early stages of a grand comeback. The hedge fund manager, who had become a billionaire many times over thanks to his subprime bets, only to spend the last several years sucking a magnificent amount of wind, had finally turned things around in his Advantage and Advantage Plus funds, which gained 5.6 percent and 7.6 percent, respectively, in March. Like us, Paulson obviously saw the tides turning and while that had to have felt good, it left him with a bit of a conundrum.

While seeing Advantage plus lose over half its value from the end of 2010 through March of this year was probably not exactly JP (nor his investors’) idea of fun, the situation did present a unique silver lining, in that it meant that during the annii horribilis, those invested in the fund did not have to pay Uncle Sam a dime. Sensing a change in his investing karma, Paulson clearly panicked, waking up in the middle of the night to ask himself: ‘But wait? How am I going to replicate the euphoria of paying no taxes, without managing a hedge fund that loses a fuckton of money first?’ Read more »

Others beg to differ. Read more »

May 2010, Structured Portfolio Management founder Don Brownstein is said to “walk around [a] crowded conference room table while slapping the palm of his hand with a baseball bat, stopping behind [a trader] while stating, ‘I’ll kill you if you leave. The only way you can leave this firm is in a body bag.'” January 2012, Millenium Laboratories really cranks things up a notch re: suggestion of what fate will befall people who attempt to leave their company: Read more »

For starters, they’d like to see a management shakeup. Read more »

We haven’t had a conversation at length about it (YET), but it’s been pretty well-confirmed by this point that one of main reasons Eliot Spitzer patronized prosties was the no muss, no fuss aspect. He was very busy, he had “needs” and he wanted to get in and get out. Ashley Dupré was pretty okay with this but at least one of the hookers Spitzer banged prior to AD was not. She, along with one of her colleagues, appears in filmmaker Alex Gibney’s upcoming documentary on the former governor, Client 9, laying it out for us: she wanted to be romanced.

“In our second meeting I was rather pushy with him,” she told Gibney. “I was like, we’re going to sit and chit-chat and have a little date here. And it ended up being a nice couple of hours.” Ness was apparently game and obliged these little pre-fuck rituals, which made the hooker happy and dare one say, she developed a bit of a crush? “He’s so smart and so interesting,” she gushes. “I would have my little rants about what needed to be fixed in New York and…he listened.”

Her colleague, Brunette, was not as charitable and had no problem getting into all the shit that pissed her off about Spitzer. “I just remember he was extremely paranoid,” she bitches. “I was just like, listen man, if you’re so worried about what you’re doing then don’t do it. Even just getting a deposit from him was an issue.” Read more »

An enterprising young lady and recent graduate of Duke slept with 50-100* guys in her time down South and put her tops in a 42-slide PowerPoint presentation entitled “Fuck List,” exhaustively ranking the men in the following categories: physical attractiveness, size, talent, creativity, aggressiveness, entertainment, athletic ability and more. As most of the subjects are former lacrosse players, a bunch of them apparently landed on Wall Street after sleeping with the Angel of Darkness. [Deadspin]

*Just ballparking it.