As you may have heard, UBS has been going through a bit of a rough patch. Despite posting an annual profit (of 7.2 billion Swiss francs) for the first time since 2006, things just haven’t been the same since the crisis, and some are suggesting it never will be, writing that the bank “doesn’t have a chance” getting back to pre-crisis levels because “too much damage has been done.” Not helping things is the fact that there’s been very high turnover in the last couple months, which may have something to do with the fact that people have a need to get paid. Read more »
Does It Surprise Anyone To Hear Guy Claiming To Have Banged LeBron James’ Mom Without A Condom Is A Former Lawyer For The SEC?By Bess Levin
The people who work at the SEC are awesome. Given. The greatest minds on Wall Street, you’d be hard-press to find a group of more impressive individuals. Their accomplishments are far too many to mention but to name just a few: Guinness Book of World Records holder for most attempts to log on to manboyjuice.com during the course of the business day, missed astounding number of scams even when they were literally all up in their grills over and over and over again, and so on and so forth. And while they’re used to the kicking of ass and the taking of names (just par for their course) and the unending accolades, it’s still gotta be a pretty proud day when when of their own is publicly recognized like this:
The lawsuit is explosive — in it, 55-year-old Leicester Bryce Stovell claims he met Gloria in a D.C. area bar in 1984 … and had unprotected sex with her on the night they met. He later found out she was 15-years-old at the time … he was 29. But the man making the claim isn’t some schmuck — dude is a Princeton graduate … who earned a law degree from the University of Chicago … and then became a Senior Legal Advisor for the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
According to Simon Johnson, it’s because he runs a big bank and is smart. Obviously, though, there are many, many other reasons why JD is deserving of the title. In order to protect ourselves, the nation, and fuck, the entire planet, we need to identify the most serious now. Is it: Read more »
By now you’ve probably heard about the killer whale, Tilikum, that savagely murdered an SeaWorld employee today in front of a packed audience (according to a guest, the trainer was “thrashed around pretty good” and at one point, one of her shoes flew off). A devastating tragedy, and something that perhaps calls for an avenging. By whom? Stephen Schwarzman, ’cause Blackstone owns SeaWorld.
Just in case you missed it, we ran a reader poll yesterday to predict what the Fed will do at 2:15, in memoriam of our fearless leader, Bon Quarney. Lon loved breaking out his crystal ball on such occasions (and what visions! Don’t get me started reminiscing…), and while the DealBreaker Fed Poll was his baby, we know Don would’ve wanted us to carry on with pomp and circumstance in his absence. In endeavoring to replicate that which was Mon’s market moving insight to a T, we now ask that you answer the same question a second time. So drop what you’re doing and start prognosticating. Last chance to get in. Be part of something historic. The free world’s fate hangs in the balance. And I do not mean that in jest– even though the poll asks “What will the Fed do?” which is to say, “Let’s predict what the Fed will do,” DealBreaker Readers (capitalized to emphasize how important you are) know that we’re actually telling the Fed what to do. Deciding for them. They’re actually sitting there waiting for our poll to close. So take this thing seriously, and when you cast your ballot, realize that it’s not just a poll– it’s Klarney whispering in Bernanke’s ear.