• 29 Jul 2014 at 3:13 PM

Metro North Rider Follows The 150 Second Rule

A lot of financial services employees are going to take Metro North home tonight, some out to Westchester and CT, others doing the reverse commute from Greenwich, Stanford, and other hedge fund HQs. Even without the bar car, some of you are going to be drunk and probably all of you are going to be hungry. The question you need to ask yourselves is: will you eat chips off the floor like this fellow rider? Read more »

  • 06 Sep 2013 at 12:45 PM

Chatty CBOT Member Writes Check He Can’t Cash

Whether you’re on Amtrack, Metro-North, NJ Transit, Chicago’s Metra, or the lawless LIRR, the rules of the quiet car stand: thou shalt not blast music so loud that people can hear it through your headphones, carry on an indoor conversation in an outdoor voice, and, most importantly, never, ever call someone on your cell phone and proceed to give them and, by extension, the rest of the car, the rundown of your entire day, including a detailed account of how you “marched into the boss’s office and told him, ‘I’ll get you the damned TPS report when I’m good and ready!’”

And yet, day in and day out people violate these rules we hold so dear in flagrante. For example, this guy. Read more »

U.S. financial regulators are pushing to turn hedge funds into informers on the white collar crime beat. The Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) is working on a rule that would require U.S. hedge funds to file formal reports notifying U.S. authorities of any suspicious trading by employees or outside parties, the regulatory agency said. The rule being crafted by FinCEN, part of the Treasury Department, would force the $2 trillion hedge fund industry to police itself in much the same way banks, brokerages and mutual funds are required to do by filing suspicious activity reports (SARs) with the unit. Steve Hudak, a FinCEN spokesman, said a proposed rule for the hedge fund industry could be filed for public comment some time in the first half of this year. But the rule, which would cover activities such as insider trading and money laundering, will force funds to spend more money on building out their compliance and legal departments. Hedge fund lawyer Ron Geffner said he expects many in the industry will oppose the new rule as being both intrusive and costly. [Reuters via Dealbook, FINalternatives]

The following excerpt is from The Asylum: The Renegades Who Hijacked The World’s Oil Market, a new book by reporter Leah McGrath Goodman.

The board’s first trip to Dubai did not go smoothy. After meetings with city officials and the DDIA executives, the Nymex directors were looking forward to a night out on the town. They were told that alcohol was hard to come by in a Muslim city, but they’d also been informed Dubai had an impressive selection of exotic prostitutes. “You know what the pecking order is for prostitutes in Dubai? Arab women are the most expensive, followed by the European and American women, then Asians, then Latinas, then, well pretty much everyone else,” says the Nymex straffer who was asked by the board to look into the rates of sex workers for the night (the exchange’s budget, after all, did have a line item for “board entertainment”).

About eighteen of the twenty board members on the trip, according the staffer, wanted to go to the local brothels. “We were staying at the Emirates Towers. When I got back to the hotel that night, a board member was coming in who had two girls with him. At the hotel, you can sign in one hooker, but you have to pay a fee of $100. You can’t sign in two hookers because apparently that would be un-Islamic. The board member wanted me to sign the second girl under my name, because I didn’t have anyone with me. I didn’t want a prostitute under my name, so I wrote another board member’s name instead, and also his rom number. Then I went to bed. Hours later, I get a panicked call from the front desk. They’re telling me to come down, there’s been a big problem.” Read more »

  • 18 Jan 2011 at 10:02 AM

UBS May Allow Bankers To Don Red Underwear, Eat Garlic

Last month, UBS issued a 44-page set of style commandments for its client-facing employees that included wearing flesh-colored undergarments (never anything red or otherwise flashy), not eating garlic (or anything else that might cause breath issues), how to tie a tie, how to apply make-up, what kind of cologne and perfume to use, a strong opinion against facial hair and one in favor of watches (which demonstrate “trustworthiness and a serious concern for punctuality”). Read more »

The most wonderful time of year is upon us– the office holiday party season. On any given night this month, scores of you will have the opportunity to spend several additional hours with people you despise and possibly rub up against them on the company dime. Today brings a list of rules under the guise of “surviving” said occasion. You should pay attention to them if a) you’ve have little to no human interaction since joining the work force or b) you have no interest in making a splash. Read more »

This is just an FYI for anyone doing some risk/reward analysis re: whether or not freeing up the funds to buy unlimited lap dances by screwing clients is worth it– much to the chagrin of one Bloomberg columnist, you’re really just looking at a relative slap on the wrist. Read more »