CNBC reports that Sam Israel III, the convicted former hedge fund manager who no one believed committed suicide after he failed to show up to start serving a 20-year sentence for defrauding clients of a bunch o’ money, has been taken into custody in Southwick, Massachusetts. The industry’s biggest M*A*S*H fan apparently surrendered himself to authorities at 9:30 this morning. Finally, we’re going to find out if the unknown tattoo on the Bayou Group founder’s hip is a. two egrets having sex b. two egrets having a type of sex that is illegal in 38 states or c. a depiction of interspecies sex between a human and a bird (participants: Sam Israel and egret). While we wait for more info to come out, someone riddle me this: do conjugal visits have to be between one human and another or are the rules flex enough to include feathered friends? Interested parties would like to know.
Samuel Israel III
It’s going to be a great day and let me tell you why: Page Six reports that not-dead former hedge fund manager Samuel Israel believed in time travel and before the hours got crazy over at his Ponzi-scheme, spent nights and weekends building his very own Delorean. According to a trader who worked with Israel in the mid-90′s, Sammy-boy “brought two of my friends from Wall Street into his basement and showed them the contraption [which he said he working on for the government].” We’re not even going to run a poll asking you to pinpoint exactly where the industry’s biggest M*A*S*H fan shipped off to, because it’s patently obvious. A time and place where the interspecies love between a man and an egret is accepted.
Fled To Past [NYP]
The U.S. Marshals Service is still hot on the trail of Sam Israel III, the convicted former hedge fund manger who no one believes committed suicide. A wanted poster from last week noted that the industry’s biggest M*A*S*H fan has two tattoos, one on his left arm and one on his hip. Today brings word that the arm ink is that of a bird, though it doesn’t say what kind. Those of you on (fake) suicide watch, however, will recall that Israel’s business card also had a bird on it. Not being ordained ornithologists ourselves, at the time, we guessed it was a pelican. Oh how wrong we were. Luckily, one of you dabbles in bird porn and did not give us a free pass. To the guy who dressed me down with the comment, “egret [bitch]…it’s an egret…[get it fucking right, you stupid whore],” please come forward and dazzle us with further displays of your intellectual plumage. Completely sincerely: you are (intentionally or unintentionally) the funniest person on this thing. I just wanted to tell you that. Moving on.
Putting two and two together, we feel confident the bird tattoo on Israel’s arm is that of an e to the gret, which he clearly fetishizes. But what in god’s name is the tattoo on his hip? What is so deviant that it needs to be concealed from the public? We have some good leads, but we and the U.S. Marshals would like your input. So:
We spoke with the U.S. Marshall’s office earlier and, sadly, at this time, they’ve yet to put a bounty on Samuel Israel III’s head, but at least one enterprising vulture stands to make some dosh off of the hedge fund industry’s biggest M*A*S*H fan. An unidentified seller from Islip, New York has put what he claims is an authentic Israel business card on eBay. The current bid is up to $6.00, and the auction ends June 19. In our professional opinion, the card looks pretty legit, though also extremely easy to fake, provided you’ve got some pelicans in your clip art file. As luck would have it, we do, and will be printing up dozens of these bad boys in an attempt to defraud anyone looking to bid on a little piece of history. Just like Sam would’ve wanted it.
Bayou Fund Sam Israel III Business Card [eBay]
Missing hedge fund manager’s card for sale on eBay [Stamford Advocate]