His name was Dan Tuckfield, and though the police say that their investigation “did not find that there was anything suspicious about the way the man died,” he did show “signs of decomposition” by the time they found him, which was almost immediately, so the neighbors are suspicious. Obviously this is very sad, but if there’s any consolation to be had, it’s the comfort we can take in the fact that Tuckfield was the happiest possible conditions when he passed: he was in a Jacuzzi and he was naked. It doesn’t get much better than that (the only way it could is if he was literally surrounded by bacon, not just in spirit, or if his tongue constantly regenerating strip of bacon). Read more »
Oliver Stone has said it before and he’ll say it again: nobody was supposed to see Wall Street and think “Hey! I wanna do that, too.” And yet, for the last twenty odd years, you people and the people you work with have never failed to approach Stone or Michael Douglas when they’re out to dinner to tell them you went to work on the Street after being inspired by the 1987 flick, ruining their evenings. Idiots! You were supposed to see movie and say Gekko, bad. Prosecution of “values underpinning American capitalism,” good. See? Simple little equation. And yet. And yet. That all kind of went over your heads, didn’t it? If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone. A much loved and sorely missed hedge fund manager didn’t get it either.
…according to his lawyer. Just like Seth Tobias (missed every day).
As noted earlier, gay pimp Billy Ash got married on Tuesday. Despite Filomena Tobias’s absence, it was reportedly a beautiful wedding, and Mr. and Mr. Ash are now enjoying a romantic honeymoon in Paris. But who is the other half of this Palm Beach power couple? Ash, that dirty, dirty tease, only told us his husband is “an on-camera weather guy who use to be a big deal on Wall Street, and yes, he’s Jewish and worth a bundle.” We literally have no idea who this catch could possibly be but trust that at least one of you can figure it out. So stop what you’re doing, and get on it. I don’t think I need to say it but just to be clear– this takes precedence over all other matters today.
I know I speak for all of us when I say it feels so good to be back on gay pimp Billy Ash’s radar. In his latest communication, Ash informs us that he didn’t just land any old shlubb of a husband earlier this week but a real catch. The nuptials were fabulous, as to be expected, in spite of the fact that “the gold digging, 4 time married, whore Filomena” did not accept the role Ash so very graciously offered her as flower girl but what can you do? Fucking Palm Beach widows and their inconsistent notions of gratitude. Anyway, as Billy-boy, in an uncharacteristic state of lucidity notes, “life goes on,” and when you’re spending the week in Paris with an “on-camera weather guy who use to be a big deal on Wall Street,” who’s Jewish and “worth a bundle,” there’s not much to complain about, not even the unavenged death of an old friend. Full e-mail after the jump.
I need to come clean with all of you about something. You know what it is. Seth Tobias. More specifically, my avoidance of the most recent Seth Tobias news. CNBC reported this morning that two sides, clearly delineated by bros (Tobias’s brothers) v. hos (Tobias’s widow Filomena), had reached an out-of-court settlement over the deceased Circle T founder’s estate, avoiding a “tabloid trial.” Therein lies the problem, and the source of the emotional hole I’ve been in for the last eight hours. Avoid a tabloid trial? Excuse me, but what the fuck?
This is the one we’ve been waiting for, people: on Monday, March 31, CNBC will air For The Love of Money: The Death of Seth Tobias, a one-hour documentary that will tell the “real” story of the Circle T founder’s death by drowning, with the added value of grainy reenactments, dramatic b-roll, voiceovers and talking heads. I’m so excited I don’t even care that the premise, “How far will people go for the love of money?” is way off base. (For the record, let’s get one thing straight: murder or accidental drowning, ST’s downfall had nothing to do with a love of money. CNBC should man up and give the show it’s proper name: “For the Love of Cock and Coke.” Help me out on this one, Charlie.)
From the preview, which we’ve watched many, many times this morning, here’s what we can expect: an absolutely WASTED Mark Haines offering his 2-cents on the guy, the widow’s 991 call, and shots of the pool where Tobias went down for the dirt nap (it’s not at all as I pictured it all those times I closed my eyes and reflected on that fateful night). From our wildest fantasies, here’s what we’re hoping for: footage of Andrew Ross Sorkin interviewing the management at Cupid’s, the gay club where Tobias’s stripper-boyfriend Tiger worked; a clip of Tiger dancing in a thong (plus the logical extensions: clip of Billy Ash dancing in a thong, clip of Seth Tobias dancing in a thong, clip of Mark Haines dancing in a thong); the recipe for the Ambien-laced pasta alla vodka Filomena Tobias supposedly used to drug her husband; and face time with personal assistant Billy Ash, AKA Mr. Madam the Ft. Lauderdale-based gay pimp (insofar that he is both gay and a pimp) who claims Tobias had a drug and alcohol addiction, and was murdered by his wife. Billy Ash. So. Much. Billy. Ash.
(As an aside: I don’t want to sound snarky about the tragic death of a hedge fund manager (although we could stand to lose a few more — market pruning and all), but the notion of CNBC trying to muster up the gravitas to do this story justice is a rich comic vein. Like the Mouseketeers performing I, Claudius. Anyway, can’t wait for Monday.)
Seth Tobias Preview [CNBC]
CNBC Presents “For the Love of Money: The Death of Seth Tobias” [CNBC]