shame

Or so he told one Bloomberg reporter. Read more »

  • 29 Nov 2011 at 1:52 PM

College Students Hesitant To Reveal Scarlet ‘B’

Time was, landing an offer from an investment bank in the fall of one’s senior was something to be proud of. Secured employment at Goldman/JPMorgan/Lehman Brothers et al for the following year was something you didn’t try to hide and you’d happily join Facebook groups started around the common cause of spending one’s signing bonus on kegs and in some cases, perhaps used it as a way of facilitating the bedding of chicks. Back then, a simple “I need to find a place before my job at [insert firm of choice here] starts” more than lubricated the situation in your favor and the notion of not whipping it out in social situations, with members of the opposite sex and otherwise, would’ve sounded crazy. Now? You keep that shit under wraps. Read more »

One of the most difficult and important part of being a hedge fund manger is the constant need to come up with new, outside the box ideas. This is, of course, crucial specifically with regard to investment ideas but also just generally, there is the never-ending pressure to maintain freshness in all matters of business. For instance, keeping employees motivated, hungry and on their toes. If you’re Don Brownstein, you (allegedly) “walk around a crowded conference room table while slapping the palm of [your] hand with a baseball bat, stopping behind traders while stating ‘The only way you can leave this firm is in a body bag.'” If you’re another luminary of the investing world, you go with white board markers as a means of positive or negative reinforcement, one marker good, two markers bad, respectively. If you’re John Duffield, who is being sued by a former employee for bullying, you suggest that the staff you employ does not act in compliance with the law and wonder aloud a) how they can look themselves in the mirror and b) whether or not they have any remorse for disappointing you, ’cause they should. Read more »

This fall, in a basement at Goldman Sachs, around 100 men and women will be inducted into an exclusive society. Membership will mean they’ll make metric ass-tons of money. They’ll get “investment opportunities not offered to other employees” (first dibs on client front-running, etc). They’ll be able to put in requests for “fashionable tables at New York restaurants” and hookers who are fine with the wearing of a Scream mask while being done from behind. They’ll be partners at Goldman Sachs. To commemorate this event, and for the practical purpose of tagging them so their status at the firm can be quickly verified with one quick drop of trou, these newly-made partners will have their nether regions dipped in a vat of gold, which will harden while Lloyd Blankfein gives a speech about how to carry oneself differently once they reach the upper echelons of GS (literally, as those things will drag if you’re not careful).

At the same time, another group of Goldman employees will be put on a bus and taken upstate. “Where are we going,” someone will ask. “Is this some sort of field-trip,” the dimmer ones will wonder excitedly. It’ll be in a warehouse in Buffalo, where no one can hear them scream that the head of HR will come out of the shadows, wearing an executioner’s mask and swinging massive clippers. The slowest of the bunch will still think they’re in for a treat, this setting being reminiscent of the partner’s retreat in ’03. The rest will know.

As many as 60 Goldman executives could be stripped of their partnerships this year to make way for new blood, people with firsthand knowledge of the process say. Inside the firm, the process is known as “de-partnering.”

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So, Bill Gates and Warren Buffett has this thing called the “Giving Pledge,” wherein the super rich promise to donate at least half their money to charities. The latest version of the list was recently released and it includes names like Jim Simons, John Arnold, Pete Peterson, Sandy Weill. Please take a moment to offer a golf clap for those guys. Read more »

Gordon Dickson was once Bank of Scotland’s risk officer. His career spanned several decades and made him a nice chunk of money. Then the crisis happened, the shares he’d bought over thirty years collapsed, he fell into a depression and declared he wanted nothing to do with this godforsaken industry. But he needed to find meaning in something and he needed a source of income (having previously relied on dividend payments that were no longer). And that’s when he turned to pirates. Read more »

  • 17 Jun 2010 at 2:50 PM

Citadel Securities Icer Goes With The Green Apple


From the front lines: “This just happened. He drank that fucker and quick. The best part was the lack of commentary. Just looked around to see if anyone was watching, took it down and got back to work. Oh, and it was a chick icing a dude.”

  • 03 Dec 2009 at 10:10 AM

Starting A List

benbernanke.jpgOf Senators who are under the impression that The Beard’s last name is ‘Ber-na-ke’. Obviously this will be added to throughout the day.
* Sen. Richard Shelby
* Sen. Chris Dodd (really?)

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